


A Rose by any Other Name Would Smell as Sweet

by Miserable_toad



Series: A Rose by Any Other Name Would Smell as Sweet - The Theatre Chronicles [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Arts, Eventual Smut, Everyone is of age, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Just wanna see Snape have a happy ending, Literature, No war, Remus deserved better, Shakespeare, Slow Burn, Smut, Swearing, Theatre, Yes I'm a frustrated literatur major, but romantic smut, cringy shakespeare references, curse words, cursing, explizit language, of course, redemption arc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-16
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:01:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 44,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24214846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miserable_toad/pseuds/Miserable_toad
Summary: After meeting Dumbledore at a party with Slughorn, he employs you as a teacher at Hogwarts for the new subject of theatre/literature of the Wizard World. One of the first tasks to do is to form a theatre group and organise a performance at the end of the school year. Yet, this subject is rare at Wizard schools and you are met with quiet a lot of suspicion from your students and colleagues. This causes more than one sleepless night and after Dumbledore can’t take your exhausted face every morning at the teacher’s meeting, he sends you to Severus Snape to get a potion that’ll help you sleep. Reluctantly you go to the teacher you’ve been most afraid of but with every visit your feelings for him change for the better. The menacing potion master seems to feel the same..
Relationships: Severus Snape & Original Female Character(s), Severus Snape & Reader, Severus Snape/Original Female Character(s), Severus Snape/Reader, Severus Snape/You, Snape & Reader, Snape & original female character, Snape/Original Female Character, Snape/Reader, Snape/you, snape female character, snape oc, snape reader
Series: A Rose by Any Other Name Would Smell as Sweet - The Theatre Chronicles [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2070411
Comments: 117
Kudos: 266





	1. Methought I heard a voice cry ‘Sleep no more!

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic and English is not my first language, so excuse any mistakes. I hope you enjoy it as it has been in my head for aaaages. This plays in a non-canon time where business is as usual at Hogwarts but Remus Lupin is Defence against the Dark Arts teacher and his condition is accepted by everyone (because I love him as equally as our dear but difficult Snape AND HE DESERVED A BETTER ENDING). Slow start because I suck.
> 
> Following chapter will come very soon!!!!
> 
> This is a work of fan fiction using characters from the Harry Potter world, which is trademarked by J. K. Rowling. I do not profit financially from the creation and publication of this story.

My first day at Hogwarts. I still can’t believe it. I’ve never thought that I’d get a job here with my.. profession. Three weeks ago, Slughorn invited me to one of his parties. He’s seen one of my plays in the small London Wizard Theatre and was entirely enchanted by it. Though it was his first play to watch, so I’m not sure how to take this compliment. Nevertheless, as theatre and literature are still something not entirely accepted as important or anything of high value, I nevertheless felt honoured. During the chill get-together, he introduced me to Albus Dumbledore. After some drinks, we chatted about fiction, theatre and the arts (muggle-and wizard ones) and his regret that these things are quite non-existent in the wizardy school world. A couple of days later, I got an owl with an invitation to teach all these things to his students. And naturally, I accepted as kinda broken actor and literature scholar.

Now, I’m here. I had some days to get familiar to the school, my room and offices as well as most of the teachers here. Minerva and Sprout welcomed me with open arms and immediately talked to me about their favourites works of fiction. Remus has visited me several times in my quarters and showed me books from the muggle-world he loved. But of course, there were some.. other reactions, too. Especially, Severus Snape, the potion master has looked at me with suspicion and rather ignored me during all meetings. I don’t think he likes me very much. Yet, his whole attire fascinates me. His tendency to dramatically walk away with his Dracula-like coat would make him a perfect actor on stage. I’ve seen types like him in many of my companies. Yet, I think he’d not be fond of this idea.

Dumbledore announced me in the great hall on the first day of term. It was interesting to see the reactions of the students. While many on the Slytherin table rolled their eyes and whispered how useless the arts are in their careers, many on the Gryffindor and especially Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw table clapped and looked at me with joy. But after the feast students from every house came to me and proclaimed, they will not only join my literature and arts classes but also join my theatre group. The first day couldn’t have been any better in that regard.

Yet, the whispers behind my back and the snarky looks caused me to be very unsure of myself. I reworked my first lesson schedules over and over again for hours and rearranged the material for the theatre group for way too many times. At about 3am I gave up on perfecting every little worksheet and took a walk because I knew sleep wouldn’t come that night. It’s typical for me really. MY ability to sleep vanished every time I was nervous or scared. It was especially bad when I had fears about the future, financial troubles, or when I was love-sick.. ok so maybe just every time everything wasn’t happy and well and I have to deal with things every adult has to deal with. My body cut on sleep every time I felt any kind of trouble apparently. Thanks for nothing. This status continued with the added stress of daily teachings and the difficult task of putting together the theatre group. The only time I don’t feel nervous at all is when I’m on stage or in front of a class. It feels like home, a parallel world and paradoxically…. it’s soothing and makes me feel at ease. The preparation for it however.. is a different story.

My first session of the drama group was compiled of about 25 students, which is way more than I expected. But after the introductions, I realized that apart from the half-born ones, most experience with theatre came from scandal-driven made-up stories from the papers, which dramatized the whole business too much. Only three had acting experience and the choice of the right play lied entirely in my hands as no one could recommend one that was realistic to perform with a cast made up of beginners. However, I was thrilled to have the curiosity and interest of the students and decided we’ll perform Hamlet because who doesn’t love Shakespeare! This should even impress the theatre-haters with the elements of blood, betrayals, and tragedy.

Unfortunately, the preparations left me rather sleepless Dumbledore noticed this after a month of short naps and 2-3 hours of sleep. One morning of me looking miserably at the way too early teacher’s meeting, he took me aside. “I know you’re under a lot of stress and uncertainty, but you got to sleep and this can’t continue. I suggest you visit Severus and he’ll help you with a calming potion.” However, that wasn’t something I was very keen on doing… I replied: “But…. I don’t think he likes me much. I’m not sure he’ll be pleased with me putting extra work upon him with my anxiety.” Dumbledore insisted though and told me to stop putting more pressure on myself on talking me down. He said: “Severus might be… difficult. But I can assure you, he is fonder of your profession than he might admit voluntarily. Tell him, I send you. It’ll be fine. Otherwise...” and here he winked at me with a smile.” I have to seriously think about employing a teacher that suffers that much under her work here. ”That was something like a jokingly thread but nevertheless it convinced me. I don’t want to screw this up. Well then, up to the dungeon….

Ok, not directly to the dungeon. I taught my lessons and procrastinated with absolutely everything to do before deciding on a time in the evening. I knocked after standing 5 minutes in nervousness before his office door. I heard a “come in” and stepped into the cold cellar of the potion realm.


	2. The Fault is not in our Stars but in Ourselves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severus Snapes agrees to help our young arts professor with a sleeping potion. However, this won't help her for the current night and she decides to visit the gardens to have a look at the stars. One familiar dark and brooding professor joins her unexpectedly...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In a rush of creativity and energy I actually finished the second chapter on the same day as the first. Beware, this bench will be visited maaaannnyyy times and there will be many more cringy Shakespeare quotes to come. Thank you for reading!

He sat at his desk over a pile of papers. The school year has just started but I guess if you’re giving pages upon pages of essays because you’re a strict teacher, you also have quiet a lot to do from the start. I preferred to give more reading and then expect everyone to discuss the work in class. He looked up when I entered but then relaxed his manner and redirected his eyes back towards the essays. “I didn’t expect you Prof. (y/n). Thought it was one of these annoying first years bothering me again with silly questions.” – he ended writing a sentence with his quill and put the feather away in the ink pot with a swift and almost over-exaggerated gesture. Gosh, that man could have been a brilliant actor playing dandy villains… He folded his hands together and put them on the desk, saying “Take a seat” and gestured to the chair in front of him. I felt like one of his students before the oncoming storm of detention but quickly reminded me of the fact that I’m a grown-up, I’m his colleague, we’re even roughly the same age and oh God I gotta say something… get yourself tooogeeethhherr…..

I stuttered: “Yes, Dumbledore sent me to you. I have some trouble sleeping and he suggested you could make a potion helping me with that? Only if you’ve got the time.. I don’t want to burden you with more work. But I was thinking it might be good idea to try. I’m thankful for any help, really… ehm…yeah….” Welp, that have been way too many words. Why is he making me so nervous? I’m usually quite good at playing the professional, reasonable grown up without anxiety functioning on 2 hours of sleep. “I see…”, he said looking around in thought. “Are these problems common or have they never existed before? Maybe it’s just some.. nervousness about a new environment?” – wow ok, that sounded condescending but let’s just ignore that. I told him that these problems, unfortunately, are normal for me. Though they have been a bit more extreme than lately. Awkward pause. He stood up and went to his shelves, taking one or two different coloured bottles. He arranged them on one of the working desks and looked at them for a few seconds in silence. Then he shifted his head towards me and replied “Yes, I think I know one potion that might help you. – he nodded looking at the bottles - I’ll need some time to prepare it though. I’ll get back to you tomorrow morning, if that’s alright with you?” – I nodded and said yes. “Fantastic. In the meantime, I’d try to work on whatever the root cause is. Constant use of potions are not an ideal solution nor will I be able to mix you one all the time.” – he said sternly and then told me I might leave now. I rushed out of the classroom with a nod and a rather quiet “Thank you”.

Ok, so that’s been handled well.. more or less. I was glad that I might get some relief but he’s right. That can’t be the solution long term. It also doesn’t help me with tonight. Thanks to my procrastinating before the visit I’m out of work for now. After some hours turning over in my bed, I decided to take other measures. Instead, I was going for a walk on the Hogwarts grounds, breath some fresh air and have a look what the stars have to say.

I sat on one of the benches behind the castle and just breathed slowly. I looked at the stars and remembered one quote from the muggle comic Calvin and Hobbes:  
“If people sat outside and looked at the stars, I’ll bet they’d live a lot differently – How so? – Well, when you look into infinity, you realize there are more important things than what people do all day.” And yes, looking at the stars always sooths me. The stars don’t care about our silly little problems. They might not even be alive anymore. They shine and that’s it and I shouldn’t take everything so goddamn seriously.

I continued looking at the stars for a while and then a voice startled me, interrupting my philosophical emptiness: “You can thank the stars for not being a student. Filch informed me about someone in the gardens and I was prepared to give 2 months of detention.” – I looked to my left and Professor Snape stood there with one eyebrow elevated and a questioning look on his face. “I’m sorry. I.. it’s just..well, you know about my sleeping problems by now. How’s the potion coming along?” – I said. He sat next to me on the bench and replied “Well, it’s done but it needs time to develop. It will be done by tomorrow.. as I already said.”- ahhh no. “Oh Sorry… I didn’t want to imply your not doing your work. Apologies.” I looked down on my feet and we just sat in silence for a while. But with the stars above me and my nerves soothing, I felt brave to overcome this silly nervousness. Hell, I’m a teacher and an actor, I can do small talk. I think. “It’s quiet late though and you’re also here. Was it really just Filch’s alarm going off on you or why are you here?” I turned towards him and saw a smirk on his face. “Well, primarily yes. I wish Filch would turn to other teachers from time to time. But to answer your question, I know sleeping potions not only because I’m the potion master. However, I know how to use them responsibly and do my job well despite of the waking hours.” Ouch, here he goes again mocking me. “But maybe I was just surprised to see you here instead of a mischief-making student and thought to.. investigate.” He turned his gaze away from me and looked out to the woods. So, that means.. he wanted to know what’s up? Is that it? Why couldn’t he just say that he wanted to know how I’m doing or so. I’m confused but intrigued. “Oh” – I uttered articulately. “Thank you, Professor Snape. I’m not doing any mischief, promise! I just really like this place and come here if I need some reflection and peace. The stars sooth me somehow, you know.” He looked up and I did the same. Just two idiots watching the stars together…or so.

I became conscious of how close he was to me. I sat just inches away from him, I could feel his heavy coat next to my hands. This closeness felt nice. “I guess, no one can disagree with that.” – he muttered. “I hope you haven’t had a talk with Sybill though. I don’t think her readings of the stars are anything worth following.” I replied “Well, she’s very friendly and nice. Seems a bit disorganized but no, I don’t need the stars to tell me anything. Their existence alone is what gives me peace. And in the end the fault is not in our stars, but in ourselves.” He sighed and turned towards me saying “The drama teacher citing Shakespeare. How predictable. Nevertheless, I have to agree with this muggle fellow.” Wow… wait a second, he recognised the quote! “I didn’t expect you to notice it. Was hoping I could sell it as my own wisdom” – here I winked and smiled at him – “not many wizards bother to read anything from the muggle world and especially not something related to the arts.” He stood up and let out the quietest laugh, I’ve ever heard. “You didn’t fool me, but it might indeed work on others”. He looked me straight in the eyes and smiled: “But now, I’ve got to get back to my rooms. Good Night. Thank you for this conversation.” And with that he was gone. His gaze at the end sent a shiver down my spine and I don’t know why. It didn’t feel threatening though, but my heart beat faster. He has ignored me for most of my time here so far, but this was… interesting. I couldn’t explain any of this, but I knew one thing: I’d love to do this again.


	3. If Music be the Food of Love Play on

The next day I agreed to have lunch with Remus after a rather wild literature class discussing Jane Eyre’s parallels to witches in the muggle world. He always looked a bit worn down but that is more due to his werewolf condition. Thankfully Dumbledore supports him unconditionally and defended him eagerly against any Slytherin parents wanting to leave his teaching position. Although, most of the students love him, and I can see why. He is very down-to-earth and doesn’t judge based on appearance, house or gender. He is the teacher that knows when something is wrong and tries to help you. A sweetheart really. Yet, I know he doesn’t have it easy and the daily bickering of rich parents and the Slytherin house take its toll. I trusted him from the first moment I met him and I appreciate his openness and general chill attitude. I told him about the events of yesterday and mentioned my rather unusual encounter with Severus. He almost spit out his tea – “Wow, ok. I’d never expected him to voluntarily watch the stars with someone. That sounds so _romantic™_ – here he jokingly slurred his language and pretended to flirt with me - I mean, I’ve known him for so long and our relationship is certainly…. complicated. Nevertheless, that is one side I’ve never seen nor expected of him. Who would’ve thought our little dungeon bat would sit on a bench with a woman while longingly looking at the stars. Maybe he’s gone soft over the years.” – he told me. I asked him what he meant: “Well, you see. He is very hard-working, focused.. always soooo focused on anything he does. A perfectionist quiet often. I respect him for that despite our history and, frankly, hatred for each other. But he never seemed to have time for such things that are outside his work, or anything really that makes life enjoyable. Little things that make people normal. “– here he paused and played a bit with his fork in the food. “On the other side, he could hide it very well. He was always a very buttoned-up person but that’s understandable with his past. I don’t think anyone actually knows him these days apart from Dumbledore maybe.” Here we both paused a bit in reflection. He might be right. I don’t know anything about him. After the first meetings, I also never thought we would have much contact with each other, apart from great feasts and faculty meetings. It’s certainly strange.

After seeing a poster on the wall, I thought of something: “To change the topic a bit – are you going to the concert, today, Remus?” He sighed and said: “Do we really have a choice? I think all teachers have to be present because who else should listen to 2 hours of choral songs” – he winked and continued: “I mean, our choir is not bad per se but I have heard their rehearsals next door for weeks now and I’m not sure it’s going to be headache-free. Their last concert was also disastrous.” I commented: “Oh, come on. Now you’re just mean. Is that appropriate for the most popular teacher at Hogwarts?” – He replied: “Oh, stop it! My preference for music sung in tune won’t endanger my position. But I could use some new competition for a change.” Of course, my answer was: “Challenge accepted!”

Later I arrived in the Great Hall, which has been transformed into a very fancy concert hall with red-velvet seats and a stage fit for the best choir in the whole country. Indeed, most of the teachers have already taken their seats near the front stage. Some were standing around talking to students and colleagues. Though the concert is not mandatory to attend for students most of them welcomed the change of pace. In contrast to literature and theatre, music has its place in the wizarding world starting from the rather cringy school themes to the holistic themes of the Merlin symphony. Music is a tool for concentration and bonding – thus it serves a clear purpose for the wizards and witches. After having a look at the stage, Minerva offered me a seat next to her “Come on, dear. Nice to see you. I hope you enjoy your first concert at Hogwarts. I swear it’s tolerable most of the time.” I smiled, thanked her and sat down. After some minutes of conversation about tea, the latest edition of the magazine “Baking magical sweets for any occasion” and the last transformation exam, the choir took its place on the stage. While they were still shuffling with their sheet notes, I suddenly felt a person taking a seat next to me. I thought it might have been Remus as he still was deep in conversation with Flitwick when I arrived. To my surprise though, it was Severus. He nodded at me and let out a silent hello, as the choir started to sing. I did the same but then focused on whatever was going on in front of me. It flattered me but still I felt unsure. I looked around to see if there were any other seats available and yes, indeed they are many available to choose from. Thus, he didn’t have to sit next to me, but it might have been an active choice. Though, I know that he often sits next to Minerva. Somehow, they both seem to get along well despite their differences and the constant rivalry of their houses. But I don’t think that this was the main reason. Or am I reading too much into this? Oh, gosh, yes, I AM reading too much into this. Yes, absolutely. It’s a perfectly normal action, sitting next to colleagues. Also why do I care? Why do I care that he is so close to me again? Why am I feeling his body next to me despite not touching? What is wrong with me? Ok, back to the concert. Calm down.

  
I was pleasantly surprised as, apart from one or two wrongly sung notes, the songs have been performed well. One second year Hufflepuff also performed a smashing solo and was applauded for many minutes afterwards. Afterwards, Minerva said to me “Well, that was way better than last year’s performance. They have improved tremendously! You should have been there back then. I’ve never heard such mutilation of beautiful songs before. It was very entertaining though. We poked fun at Flitwick for a month. We might have overdone it a bit though…” . I agreed. I enjoyed it much despite the distraction in form of a tall man dressed in black next to me. I looked to my side and Severus had already stood up and made his way out of the hall. Pity, I’d love to hear his opinion on the performance. That reminds me. He still owes me a potion.


	4. All the World’s a Stage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After an surprising visitor during your drama club session, you finally get to pick up your sleeping potion. And oh boy, did you get more than anticipated. The potion master is one for surprises. (Seriously I can't write summaries)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a delay here because life and stuff but I’m very eager to continue. The perfume described here is basically Tom Ford’s “Santal Blush” which is one of my most favourite fragrances I will never be able to afford. Thanks to Taylor Swift (love you!) for bringing it into my life and making me aware of how broke I am. Regarding the whole story...frankly, I have no idea what I’m doing here. Any commentary is welcome. But now without further ado chapter 4!

However, there was my drama club session before I could dedicate myself to my hopefully peaceful potion-induced sleep. I transformed my classroom into an adequate rehearsal room with a bigger-on-the-inside costume closet, a music box, and, of course, a small stage. I also put two rows of chairs in front of it just to set the mood. This was a more sophisticated set up than my introductory session where we only discussed what we expected and what work we would choose to perform. I asked all my students to read the play before tonight, so everyone has an idea who they want to play or what function they want to take over (lightening, sound, costumes etc). Well, that worked…. More or less well. The muggle or half-born born students already knew the play or were familiarised with it through film-and cartoon adaptions. Thus they were able to suspend their disbelief enough to know what to do. The few wizards and witches without that background had more problems with it. “The language is worse than in our History of Magic book!” “Will we also have to hurt and kill ourselves on stage?” “Hamlet could’ve just taken the throne by using a spell. Why make it so complicated?” When did Hamlet live? Can’t we just ask his ghost to tell us his history?” - were just some of the questions and comments. All valid but still. After setting straight that - no, no one will have to go on a murder spree and no Hamlet’s ghost is not currently available to chat to – we tried to get into the acting by choosing one scene and act it out in groups. I also chose some third year Huffelpuff and Gryffindor students who were good in charms to take care of setting the atmosphere by making the room a bit colder and creating some snow clouds. In the end, this is one big advantage of the wizard world. No need for bad-smelling fake blood and chemical snow. Unfortunately, I also had to ensure that only the drama club members got in. I put a spell on the door that allowed only registered students and staff to enter. This was a precaution, as I received some rather unfriendly and mocking letters in my pidgeon hole the other day. Nothing too threatening but certainly bullying in nature. I don’t want my students to be mocked publically and Dumbledore agreed to it. Though Hogwarts doesn’t seem to care too much about that when it comes to Quidditch. Here the competing teams frequently join other trainings and bully them openly. I’m not too keen on that but maybe that’s just something I don’t understand about sports.

Everyone was busy pretending to be guards in the bitter cold (with real 100% magically produced snow). I looked around and noticed someone watching us. A tall, brooding man stood in the back of the room learning towards the wall with crossed arms – Professor Severus Snape. As usual, he wore a a buttoned up jacket, some straight cut black trousers and a long, heavy cloak. He is a skinny but muscular type, at least what his way too tight jacket reveals. He clearly doesn't need to hide anything. I can only imagine that his choice to wear the heaviest and thickest clothing one can wear should accentuate his role as the teacher that can silence a hall with only a whisper. Or maybe it’s just always horribly cold in the dungeon and it's more of a practical nature. He looked at me closely with his mysterious black eyes and gaunt but elegant face. I wondered how he got in without being noticed by anyone. On the other hand, he was famous for sneaking up on students wandering around after curfew. I made my way up to him with a bit more jest and bravery than I probably should have felt. In the end I was at my safe place, my classroom and he was the intruder. Thus I said: “Look at that. The Potion Master sneaked into my small empire of drama. I’m honoured – how can I help you, Professor?” He replied: “I thought it might be entertaining to see students pretend they’re a tree. – he looked at one group at the front who overdid the ’tis bitter cold’ scene with excessive trembling. More like they’re on a rollercoaster and not like a real person freezing –“However, I see they rather guard hallways pretending to be cooking blenders. Still it’s a treat to watch them without having to scold anyone myself.” – before I could comment on that he continued: “However, I came to tell you that your sleeping potion is ready to use. Please see me in my office after your class to pick it up.” And with that he left the room with his infamous swoosh of his long, black cloak. That man needs to learn how to end a conversation properly. Unless, he does all this on purpose.

After class, I put my stuff back to my room in the Ravenclaw tower and made my way down to the dungeon. I knocked on the door and got called inside. Before I can walk to his desk, Severus stands up, goes to one of the shelves behind him and picks up a bottle. Then he rushed to me and steps up very close, while holding a bottle with purple liquid in front of my face. This is without doubt an invasion of my personal space, but I must admit I don’t mind. His face is only inches away from mine and his eyes are hidden by the bottle in my sight. He smells like sandalwood, cinnamon and ylang ylang? I wonder what perfume he uses. While dangling the bottle teasingly in front of my face instead of handing it me directly he exclaims: “This is a bottle that will refill three times. I won’t give out sleeping potions to get addicted to. So… Make. This. Count. This is my personal recipe, so you won’t find it in a book. You wake up in 6 hours later and it induces an especially deep and regenerative sleep.” And with the last word he hands me the bottle. I take it and read the handwritten label on it with further instructions. He says while walking back to his desk: “If you need a refill. Talk to me and I’ll decide if I brew you another.” I took another closer look at the bottle and then said: “Your own personal recipe? Does that mean you sometimes need a sleeping potion, too? Or was it just an experiment?” Now seated behind his desk he replied dismissingly: “It wouldn’t be a very worthwhile experiment. Creating a sleeping potion is more like elementary school chemistry. However, the standard versions are dreadful in its execution. If I need one, then I’d rather sleep without waking up feeling like I’ve just been driven over by a horse carriage.” With this he takes up his quill and continues grading essays. Maybe I should just say goodbye and leave him in peace, but I won’t let him get off that easily. I’m intrigued and I can still smell his perfume..

I sit in the chair in front of his desk and exlaimed with a sigh: “That’s quite... ingenious still. I wish I could refine medicine that easily. It would also help me with my play. I never use effect-potions because I don’t feel safe using them on students and I lack the knowledge of brewing refined versions like in London. However, I guess this is on me. My potions grades have been acceptable, but I always felt too stupid to master them properly. Not that this is an excuse.” He looked up and seemed to observe me for some moments. Shit.. maybe that wasn't a very favourable thing for me to say. Now he dislikes me because a) I just confessed I suck at potion-making and b) I haven't left his office ten minutes ago when I probably should have. Before I could stutter an apology, he says: “Well, there must be a reason why I’m the potion master and not you. – here he dramatically paused for some seconds. His attention for drama is truly admiring – “Yet…don’t tell this to any of my students but no one is too stupid to make a potion and receive good grades. I sincerely believe that. However, it can be a mixture of laziness, an insufferable attitude or the wrong teacher at the wrong moment in time. If you had acceptable grades that means you’re capable and from what I’ve seen I don’t think you’re too stupid.” I looked in disbelief. I don’t really need that kind of pep talk but it’s nice to hear that from someone I clearly didn’t expected it from. He put his quill away, folded his hands and continued: “I can show you how to brew any potion you might need. However, I then expect only the utmost of concentration and motivation in that regard. In return. I might be more patient to you then to any of my students.” When that offer finally has set into my mind I stuttered: “That would be.. that would be wonderful! It would strongly improve my stage set and performance! Thank you so much!... but… - and here the doubt came that he only does it to mock me- “why help me? We’ve barely known each other, and you've already brewed the sleeping potion for me. Can I do something for you in return or do you simply want to make fun of me?” He looked away from me and replied “You don’t need to do that and no I don't want to mock you. Also, wait before you thank me - I can’t guarantee you’ll be successful in brewing those. In the end, I’d be a terrible potion master if I didn’t help my colleagues – independent of sympathy or duration of acquaintance.” Ok, that’s a bit of a bummer. So, he feels only obligated because I’m a colleague. However, If that means I can spend more time with him and I can get better at potions... What do I have to lose?

Yet, he wasn’t finished with his speech. He looked away from me on a bookshelf to his right and continued. “Regardless of this, I also must admit that I rather welcome a professor of the literary arts at this school. Especially one who seems to be competent enough to fight the prejudices of elite wizards. We can learn from fiction and it would certainly benefit many students here to take this seriously.” “Oh” I replied like a true master of the arts. “I mean, that’s great. I agree wholeheartedly. It’s just a rare disposition. Especially for the headteacher of the Slytherin house, which.. no offense.. is significantly underrepresented in my classes.” “None taken” – he replied. “I don’t have much influence when it comes to subject choices of my students. And despite my favourable judgements towards my house I hate them all equally unless proven by them otherwise. Yet, the house cup is a competition and I intend to keep winning.” - he said with a slight smile on his face. Ok, I hate him for that attitude (because I’m not very competitive in nature), but I have to admit the smile is kinda cute and I hate myself for thinking that. He’s kind of asshole but I’m so intrigued by this dramatic, elegant guy that I willingly overlook his actual image and reputation here. When he took up his quill again I stood up and said “Well, then I don’t want to hinder you from work any more than I've done. Thank you so much for the potion and... everything. Have a good night!” He nodded said: “Give me some feedback if the potion works for you, I can make some adjustments if needed. Good Night then.”


	5. Thy spirit within thee hath been so at war

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> During your first "lesson" with Severus Snape, you get a flashback of something long forgotten and avoided.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is angsty. TW: for shouting abuse, horrible teachers, classmates, and almost passing out.
> 
> Yes, I know a real flashback doesn't work that way but this is what I can produce with my limited writing abilities. Thank you so much for reading! I've also wrote some very emotional, romantic, loving, intense scenes for the future chapters and I can't wait to share them.

I slept like a sweet little lion cub. Ok, no idea if they sleep well but that was the first thing that came into my mind this morning. I felt refreshed, full of energy and entirely at peace. Gosh, that sleeping potion was truly magic. I basically hopped into the great hall for breakfast and Remus looked at me like I’ve turned myself into a unicorn and exclaime: “What the hell happened to you? You look almost like a normal person today. Are you the real (y/n) or did you simply have a good night’s sleep?” I sat next to him and eagerly poured myself some pumpkin juice. “Yes, actually I slept like a baby. Severus’ sleeping potion is really something. Highly recommendable 10/10. Might work for you, too, you scruffy little dog.” He jokingly stuck his tongue out and finished eating his pancake before saying: “First of all: I’m anything BUT a little dog and I think scruffiness is not a negative thing because it makes me look cute – I let out a small ironic haha at this – “and secondly: Congrats! He didn’t poison you! That means he tolerates you, which is better than what the rests of us get: pure loath and hatred.”

“Doesn’t he also make your wolfsbane potion?”

Yes, but I’m convinced he’s putting something in there that causes headaches afterwards just because he can.”

“But you can’t prove it, dear! Anyway, any plans for the weekend?”  
  
“Yes, I have a date with my very attractive girlfriend Tonks so sorry no intercourse this time unless you’re open for a threesome.”

“Stop it! No, thank you, I’m good! You’re hanging out way too much with Sirius. I haven’t forgotten how he flirted with me the first time we’ve met. Worst pick up lines ever! But I’m happy for you. I don’t have any plans, yet but we’ll see. Might get a bit of reading done.”

“How boring but that might be just the perfect weekend for you. If you want to you can ask our dungeon bat to join. Maybe he feels social for once.”

“Haha, very funny. But either way I’m glad to have a bit of a break from teaching.”

I appreciate that Remus is so open and easy to be around with. Sometimes I fear we became best friends way too fast but it’s like in school. You click with someone and it’s you and your best friend against the world. His girlfriend Tonks has been in his life for a couple of months now and gosh they are so in love it makes me happy. Makes me miss having a crush and a relationship sometimes. I haven’t been in one for ages. I’m just scared and don’t connect that way with people. Well, unless you count celebrity crushes, fictional characters and poets long dead and gone. Hopeless indeed. I wish Franz Kafka’s ghost would actually be available, but he wasn’t a wizard so anyway...

When I passed my pidgeon hole in the faculty office I saw a tiny parchment roll bound with a green band. I opened it and read: “If you’re free this weekend, we can begin our lessons tomorrow at noon. Research which potions you’d like to learn and prepare their specific names. If you’re unable to come let me know through an owl, as I’m not coming into the teacher’s offices anymore for today. Yours Sincerely, S. Snape.” Ok, that’s my weekend settled then.

On Saturday, I arrived at the potion classroom with a long roll of parchment containing the potions I’d like to make, a thick notebook so I can make notes, and my fluttering nerves bundled together in my stomach. To be honest, I was nervous and this felt like a math exam. Perhaps this wasn’t the best idea after all. However, upon entering the classroom, Severus presence calmed me somewhat. I know others wouldn’t feel that way when entering the classroom. Yet, I simply feel like meeting someone familiar. Is that strange? Am I making sense? Probably not.

We discussed some of the potions I had in mind and he chose one of the simplest for a start. He put the instructions on the Black Board and I, as his temporary student, sat at the front table. I felt nervous and it was difficult to not see myself as a teenager again. Here and there did he tell me how to put ingredients into the pot or how to cut them rightly but apart from that he focused more on supervising. The potion was easy but I’ve never dared to try it myself without equipment, ingredients or someone to look after me. Unfortunately, I also forgot why my self-confidence and trust in potion making has disappeared. While looking at the flask turning a bright green with reddish streaks, I remembered something. It felt like I’ve seen this before. I’ve been here before. I started shaking and my mind went blank. It was like a deja-vu, a flashback to something I’ve completely forgot and actively pushed away from memory. How could I forget the main reason why I’m not doing this? I heard shouting in the back of my mind, my equipment pushed to the floor, glass breaking, a man shouting, screaming in my face and the entire class laughing. How could I ever forget this? I started shaking and the knife, which I used to cut some radish looking things fell from my hand to the floor. My vision went black and my knees became weak. Suddenly, I felt arms around me, heard a voice calling my name from very far away. I looked around and saw Severus with panic on his face, trying to lead me to a bench that was put against the wall. I remember sitting and he giving me a cup of something warm to drink. Slowly I got back to reality and my vision normalised. I felt Severus holding both my shoulders to make sure I don’t fall to the floor. When it came to me what happened, I only muttered an apology and held my face in my hands. He didn’t say anything for a while, put his long coat over me and then proceeded to finish the potion and put the equipment away. He then returned to my side still silent. After some minutes, he asked: “How are you?”

I was embarrassed and felt nothing but shame. I apologised again and stood up wanting to leave the classroom but he stopped me in saying: “Please don’t leave. We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. We can simply forget that happened or not. That is your choice. I won’t ask. I’m not mad. But stay. I don’t think it’s wise to go up all the stairs when you haven’t recovered, yet. I don’t want to be responsible for any deaths in this castle.” I looked at him and he sat, arms and legs crossed on the wooden bench looking towards the floor. I obliged and got back next to him. “I forgot.” I said “I forgot why I gave up on potions. Why my grades have been mediocre or down right only passing. I forgot otherwise I wouldn’t have put you in this position. I’m sorry.”  
  
“You’ve apologised two times already that’s more than enough.”

“Sor -I mean. Yes.”

“I can be a horrible teacher. I know that. It’s not a profession I chose willingly, not that this would be an excuse. I know it’s not right. Yet, I never scream. I try to control my emotions at any times and let words speak for themselves. Whoever was responsible for this memory didn’t have the right to do what he did. Don’t beat yourself up about it. You outgrew him.”

“Thank you but… how?

“Obvious when you’re holding your hands over your ears and mutter ‘Please stop shouting’.

“Oh…..”

“As I’ve said: It’s fine.”

We sat in silence for a while and I sipped at my tea. When my spirits came back, I tried to lighten the mood as I always do in these awkward situations: “Are you giving tea to your frightened students, too or am I an exception?”

“My students usually hate and fear me behind my back so I’m afraid I can’t offer them this. Furthermore, it would ruin my reputation. If they want to be cuddled they can go to Minerva with her endless supply of biscuits. No, this is something reserved for grown-ups. English courtesy you might even say. When you don’t know what to do. Make tea.”

“I see. You’re not that frightening to me so far.”

“As I said. You’re my colleague, not my student.”

“Yet, you seem to be nicer to me than to the rest of my colleagues.”

“Maybe. However, I’d argue I’m a role model of courtesy and politeness.”

I chuckled at this “Remus wouldn’t agree.”

“Well, me and Remus have a difficult relationship.”

“He said exactly the same and yet I like you both.”

“Interesting indeed. We’ve barely talked.”

“Just a feeling. Thank you, Professor Snape."

“Call me Severus. No need for useless titles here.”


	6. There is flattery in friendship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a heavy and choatic sleep, you'll awake restless in the middle of the night. You decide to talk a walk to your usual bench and form a pact that might just change the future..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey folks. Thank you so much for your kind comments, kudos and hits in general! They really make my day!!! It’s the first thing I’ve written for many years. I used to be a very active poet and writer but lost my connection with it due to some life events. Slowly, I’m trying to get back to it again and alone the fact that people read and enjoy something I’m putting out there is amazing! Thank you! I'm trying to get the next chapters up in a weekly schedule but whenever I have more time to write and finish a chapter, it'll go up.
> 
> I’m not sure how to proceed with the timeline/canon/not canon kind of thing. However, I see that in my story Lily and Severus had a fight involving the m-word and then she and others turned their back on him. He thought about joining dark forces and did some stuff but there was no war, Voldemort didn’t succeed and everyone went on with their lives. However, James and Lily Potter live in another country thus Remus and Sirius have more contact with each other than with them. I hope it makes sense somehow. It will be more of a topic later focusing more on Severus perspective and choices.

I returned to my room sometime later and went straight to bed. I didn’t even bother taking off my clothes. Unlike me, I fell asleep immediately and dreamed of potions spilling on an enormous piano. I awoke around midnight knowing only too well I won’t be able to sleep anymore for tonight. I sighed, there go my attempts at a normal sleeping schedule. I decided to take a walk because I was desperate to escape my thoughts dealing with whatever happened today.

The night breeze soothed my spirits and I watched a black and white cat making her way through a flower bed. I sat on my usual bench and looked up. It was a bit cloudy tonight, so I couldn’t see much of the constellations but here and there some stars glistened their way through. I tried to control my breathing to calm down and focus on the here and now – in and out – in and out- in and out. It’s ok. Everything is fine. We can deal with this. Yet, my mind managed to wander back again and again to my anxiety, my pain, my tears and the memories I pushed away for so long. This was not the only thing I felt though. Between all these dark clouds was a warm light. Something I had longed for back then. Something that could have saved me. I closed my eyes to focus on this positive feeling. To push everything else away. Let this light surround and heal me. Everything is going to be ok.

Suddenly, I heard footsteps near me. I opened my eyes and saw Severus standing under the lamppost next to the bench. The soft, warm light fell on his long black hair and I saw that he didn’t have his cloak on, just his buttoned jacket. He held a book in his left hand and his wand in the other still lightened up by the Lumos spell. He looked so elegant and mesmerising in the dim light. He greeted me by saying with a slight sarcastic undertone: “Either my sleeping potion was ineffective or you have slept too much already.”

“The latter. That’s the problem with going to sleep in the afternoon – you’re awake for the rest of the night. Or it’s just me and my body.”

He sat next to me, turned off the light on his wand and looked at the cloudy sky. Neither of us said anything for a while. We just watched the sky and somehow it didn’t feel awkward at all. However, after a while I asked: “What about you? Why are you sitting with a sleepless arts teacher on a bench at 2am on a Saturday night?”

He replied: “I’ve worked until now and needed a bit of fresh air before I go to rest.”

“What did you have to do? Grading essays again?”

“No, not this time. I brew potions for someone who found herself unable to produce them herself.”

“Wait….do you mean me?”

“Obviously.”

“Which potions did you do?”

“All of them actually. They have been put in my personal storage. You can have them whenever you need.”

I was flabbergasted. Shocked. Flattered. Anxious. Basically, all the emotions at once. Classic.

“You didn’t have to do that! Why are you doing me so many favours? We’ve barely known each other. Is this.. a joke? Do you want something in return? I…”

“No, I don’t. Don’t think I’m doing this because of any ulterior motive. I’m not that kind of man independent of what is said behind my back. I simply thought it could help you and make you feel better after today.”

“That’s… sweet. Thank you. But why bother bothering? I’m not saying I don’t appreciate it but I still don’t understand why?”

He sighed and said after a while: “I’m rather attached to muggle fiction. Especially, Shakespeare. I started with one old and rather battered collection of my mum when I was a kid and reread and studied it for years after. Yet, I never saw a play on stage. I turned my back on all things related to muggles when… certain events happened and then I was busy with my profession here. Frankly, I’m also not a person who longs to travel a lot, so it never occurred to me to actively visit a theatre and put myself in a crowd of people. As I’ve mentioned before, I found myself rather satisifed, for once, with Dumbledore’s staff decisions when I heard he had invited you here despite the controversial treatment of theatre in the wizard world. He always tries to support subjects and people, who he deems to be capable of bringing change into this old conservative world. He also gives people a chance whose fate might seem hopeless and one could argue this includes my appointment, too. Recently, I’ve came to the conclusion that if I want change and growth in me or others, I need to actively support what I think is worth it and take an open stand. Therefore, I want to support you. I want you to have everything you need to change their minds and I assure you, I don’t need or want anything in return for my own benefit. You don’t need to defend or stand up for me in any way. You don’t have to mention my name. You don’t need to be sympathetic to me. All of this is of no relevance to me. It’s the cause I want to support… and you.”

I was speechless. That was so sweet and kind. He trusted me with this information and opened up despite everything I’ve heard from others. “He won’t talk with you much. He hates everyone here. Better to leave him alone. He only listens to Dumbledore. He is still mad that he didn’t get the DADA position. He is the Slytherin headteacher so he’ll dislike you as his house is firmly against half-born and anything muggle. It’s just how it is.” He is a respected teacher and potion master but apart from that he is feared and despised. He lives rather isolated from the rest of the staff. That was what everyone apart from Dumbledore told me so I thought I won’t bother. But he is so different to me. And we’ve barely known each other but I feel somehow safe with him. Like he speaks the truth and I can trust him. This could be a mistake but then I decided this was worh the risk. Suddenly, I had an idea.

“Then let’s make it official. You and I will run the drama group. I take care of the performance and the students. You are responsible for the magical effect potions and will teach the students how to brew and handle them, too. For your time and effort, you’ll receive some perks in return.” – he sighed and opened his mouth but before he could interject, I continued – “I insist upon it. You’re welcome at every rehearsal; you’ll have an official title that will be communicated to others and you’ll be a permanent member of my team. Of course, taking into account that we actually survive for more than one year. What do you say?”

He looked at his hands for some moments in deep thought, ever so slightly clutching the book on his lap. He then replied:

“What an unusual offer. I won’t argue with a lady about her requests. However, are you sure that my name won’t cause any distractions and keep other people away?”

“Oh no. Probably the opposite. They’ll be curious to know what made you do it and will flock to us even more.”

He chuckled: “Then let’s make up the most fantastic story and draw them in.”

“Agreed.” – and we both shook hands. His hand was warm and his skin softer than I expected. When our fingers touched my heart skipped a beat. Our eyes met doing so and I swear I could see some joy concealed behind his usual monotone mask. I felt like this was the beginning of something important and certainly something very good.

“YOU DID WHAT?!” – Remus almost choked on his toast on Monday morning and the entire hall looked at us suspiciously. “Calm down Remus, I don’t want the entire school to think I’ve just murdered someone.” I quickly said, doing a quick motion with my wand to refill his glass with orange juice. When he could talk again Remus apologised and continued:

“Oh, I gotta send an owl to Sirius this is hilarious.” I send him an evil look and then he said:

“Seriously though. Severus Snape as part of an extracurricular activity, voluntarily and outside of his office hours is… What did you do to him? Have you managed to put a spell on the untouchable chemistry master?!”

“Calm down! No, I don’t think that would’ve worked and is probably very illegal.”

“I swear, I won’t report you to the ministry of magic if you tell me.” – he laughed – “No, but for real. This is very unlike him. However, I do remember Lily telling me once that he used to read a lot of muggle books in his childhood. I wasn’t sure if that continued into his later life as she cut contact with him after the fight. Actually, we all did this in one way or the other. The first time I saw him again was after I started working here. He mentioned that it was a recent decision. I wonder what caused him to do this…”

“Maybe it wasn’t a particular event. I mean people grow old. They realise what they did was wrong and want to change. I sure regret many things I did. I have the feeling I improved much over the years but I'm still working on becoming a better person."

“Yes, we all do that hopefully. Including me. I regret many things I did as a teenager…. or last year for that matter. Yet, he has been so isolated and stuck in the same old grudges, I never thought he’d do something else. I’m flabbergasted really. Maybe you are just the person he needed.”

I looked at the empty chair reserved for Severus in the great hall. He never joined dinners unless they are connected to a big event. I wonder…


	7. Speak the Speech, I Pray you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> During one of the drama club meetings, (y/n) struggles to find an acting partner to demonstrate a scene properly. Thankfully, there is one tall and gaunt man that comes to the rescue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I’m not a teacher, especially not for drama. I’m not even a good actor. The only acting experience that I have is that I’ve played a pirate cook once in a play that was set in the time when Hamlet was saved by a pirate ship.During the performance, I actually said one of my lines too early so that was that... I study and interpret plays that’s more of my thing. So, all the methods described here are probably bullshit. Severus is also very talkative here. Dunno, if I’m writing him way out of character but hey, we’ve never seen him talk much in the books or the movies so maybe he opens up with attractive but awkward arts teachers. 
> 
> As always thank you for reading, commenting, and all the kudos!! <3

Another session of my drama group and I gotta say, we’ve made progress. It’s been a tough job getting students acting roles when they’ve never had contact with all this. I also knew that I’ve chosen a rather difficult play. Maybe I should have started with something else. But the students were invested in the story now and hey, who doesn’t love a challenge? It’s also still a school performance, not a Globe audition.

Everyone did a good job in the small groups and most of them were comfortable giving feedback there and discussing certain scenes. This time, I put up a stage that is as high as the one we’ll be using in our final performance because now it should move into a more serious direction. Before we try to put together the scenes in order with the designated roles, I wanted to address some techniques many students were unsure of how to perform. I also wanted to prepare them to perform in front of an bigger audience and not just one or two other people in the group. It was still just me, their peers and Severus but it’s still significantly more than before. Severus usually sat in the back of the class, arms crossed, legs stretched outs - a critical but relaxed pose, rather unusual for him. The students have become used to his presence. It did make some of them nervous in the beginning but a lot of the stress went away upon learning that that he couldn’t give them detention or a bad grades in here. He wasn’t very interested in doing so in the first place. He was here for a change of pace.

One of the problems was the aside instruction in some of the scenes. They struggled to see how it should be performed. They felt weird doing so and didn’t see the point of directly speaking to the audience and not to the character on stage. So, I thought I should show it rather than tell. I asked:  “Anyone comfortable enough to perform the scene with me? You can use your book and just read the lines to me so don't feel nervous.”

Silence. Somehow they are ok within their own groups but standing on a stage in front of everyone else seemed to be a problem for that moment. I was ready to perform on my own but suddenly a voice came from the back of the room:

“If you need some assistance, Ms (y/n) I’m familiar with the scene and can try, with my humble acting abilities, to be your acting partner.”

Ok, we can do this. Students are eerily silence as Severus, elegant and confident as Julius Caesar, walked up the stairs on the stage. He picked a book from the pile of copies and stood there waiting. We agreed upon me being Lord Polonius and he Hamlet. He pretended reading the book and I said to him: “ O, give me leave: How does my good Lord Hamlet?”

“ Well, God-a-mercy. ” - said Severus, turned towards me and closed the book in his hands.

“Do you know me, my lord?”

“Excellent well; you are a fishmonger.” – he put emphasis on fishmonger by his usual slow and articulated speaking style. His deep voice rolled around the g and I knew he would’ve been perfect for that role. Severus performing style was in the beginning a tiny bit stiff and controlled but on the other hand, it suits the Prince of Denmark. Furthermore, he didn’t seem to look into the book for the lines. He performed them by memory. It was marvellous and I demonstrate the scene properly to my students.

At the last line Severus did something that showed he was acting and not just his usual snarky self, which frankly is easy with Polonius. When Polonius humbly took his leave Severus replied faithfully to the script:

“You cannot, sir, take from me any thing that I will more willingly part withal: except my life, except my life, except my life.” - here he repeated the words loudly, walked around me and put a different tone and manner for each repetition on. In that moment, I was in awe and thought to myself: This man is perfect.

Applause. Cheering. The students liked it. I took Severus hand, turned to the small group of students and bowed. He followed bowing rather reluctantly but I could feel how he squeezed my hand a bit. I felt myself blushing and slowly let go. He returned to his seat at the back and I turned around pretending to order some props to order my feelings. When the applause and talking faded I once again put my students in pairs and everyone had a go at performing these two roles in front of the others. It went much better now that they had a clear picture on what to do and some even interpreted gestures and tones in their own way.

At the end everyone said goodbye not only to me but also to Severus in a happy way, waving and wishing us a good evening. I walked up to Severus and sat in the seat in front of him, turning the chair around so I could face him. “Well done. You would have been a marvellous actor and you even knew the lines. I’m impressed!” 

“Don’t flatter me that is just the bare minimum if you’re part of a drama society, aren’t you?”

“Come one, take the compliment, I mean it! When did you learn the lines?”

“I simply read it so many times that I remembered it.”

“Still impressive. Wish I could do that so easily.. Did you ever act it out on your own or with friends?”

“No.”

I looked at him with suspicion.

“Ok, maybe in my youth, I did. On my own usually. Although I must be admit that Hamlet’s wit here is nothing too far away from my own experiences so there wasn’t that much acting involved per se.”

“Nah, don’t try to get out of that. Should I tell you a secret?”

“Seems like you are ready to tell me either way.”

“Correct. When I was a kid, I read almost all my books aloud to my stuffed animals and toys. Later I did act out plays on my own as a well. I guess, I was a teenager who was more interested in fiction than people. How absurd all this may sound it does help you acting, reading, understanding, extending your language abilities. So, nothing to be ashamed of. Well apart from me just telling you that I was a weird outsider with an obsession for books in my youth but I guess that comes with the job description.”

“Mhh. I’d say we have that in common.”

“You’ve also read fairy tales to your stuffed animals?”

He shook his head, while rolliung his eyes but in a joking kind of way: “No, but the outsider aspect.”

“I’m sorry to hear that but yes. I guess interest in the arts often comes from feeling something’s missing. That there is a lack of meaning in reality and a desire to fill this with imagination. It also shows an interest in solving problems creatively. It just often brings people together that are from the same roots. Of course, there are many exceptions to this rule. Especially when it comes to the elitism in the muggle world around the arts. But I often find myself flocking to the same kind of people while doing this. So, there might be a connection.”

“I’d agree with that. I have to admit it was a pleasant experience.”

“I’m glad to hear that. Thank you, Severus.”

He stood up and moved towards the door. Suddenly, I had an idea. Before my brain could stop me with reason, I asked:

“Hey, ehm. Are you free for a tea tonight? I’d love to talk to you more about literature and plays. Maybe I can recommend you some works? You know like…a little book club? Just between us. If you want? I love talking about it and you seem like someone with whom one can do.. that…” – wow very articulate. I clearly know how to speak. Not.

He looked at the door and bit his lip slightly in thought. He then replied: “Thank you for the invitation. Unfortunately, I must decline. I’m assisting Albus in an important matter for the rest of tonight. Would you be free tomorrow evening? We see each other anyway at the great feast in celebration of the 200th anniversary of the first Quidditch team at Hogwarts. We could go after that?”

“Yes, of course. That sounds great. See you tomorrow then!”

\--------------

It was mandatory for teachers to attend feasts celebrating important dates. However, there were a couple of empty seats as it clashed with a teacher’s conference in France, who were entirely uninterested in the local Quidditch history of Hogwarts. As a consequence, Remus, Flitwick and three other teacher were absent. Thus the seat order was not as strict as usual. The hall was decorated with Quidditch logos, paintings of the first and current Quidditch teams and there was a constant buzzing as snitches flied around in the air to set the mood. Severus sat at the left end of the table and I thought maybe I should take a seat next to him for a change.

“Hello Severus. Is that seat available?”

“Of course, go ahead."

“You’re not often here for lunch. Are you eating in your office usually?”

“Yes, it’s just more convenient for me to not disrupt my working flow with useless eating. Furthermore, I also need a break from seeing students from time to time.”

“Understandable.” And here we both looked into the crowd of students in their Quidditch uniforms or Quidditch fan attire. “I mean, I love my class to bits but some of them are so…. Without respect or interest. How is it being a headteacher for an entire house?”

“The job title comes with more responsibilities. You are responsible for everything your house does and it reflects on your image. This is more difficult when you have students who think of themselves as untouchable because in a way.. they are. Money and connections run deep in the wizard bloodlines. I’m not afraid to scold and punish them but you always have to be cautious. One misplaced word and our headmaster will feel the consequences and the school's image will be hurt. As the house motto says, you have to be cunning and plan ahead to achieve any progress with them.”

“Sounds tough. But you seem to be well equipped to do so. Wow. Are there any perks to that job?”

“If you mean money, no. We basically get paid in exposure. However, your quarters are a bit bigger than the rest of the staff. I got the position because I’ve been here for so long and am apparently the only one capable enough to deal with this rather difficult house. In the end, I’m also a Slytherin. However, as it is with everything in life: Nothing is clear cut. And I’d argue there are enough cunning and manipulative students in every house who use their false pride to put down others.”

“I aree. Nothing is ever black and white. Good people do bad things. Bad people do good things. We grow up, we learn, we change, we fail. Stereotypes are sadly often a beginning but they should never be the end of a judgement. People are fluid in their actions and attitudes.”

“Well said.”

Dumbledore made a speech celebrating sports and our food arrived floating from the air. It was nice despite me being utterly uninterested in Quidditch usually. Dumbledore sat next to us for a while and talked about my progress with the group. Before he left to talk to some students, he had something left so say: “Oh, and Severus. I’m delighted to see you being a part of the group, too.” Severus just nodded absentmindedly and continued to eat. When the feast ended everyone returned to their quarters or offices. So, I and Severus made our way to the Ravenclaw quarters.


	8. Love is a smoke raised with the fume of sighs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally, tea time with Severus. During all this, the protagonist realises she's fallen for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This might be a bit emotional and messy but heeeeey those are the days. Thank you so much for reading, your kudos and comments!<3
> 
> I always wonder what Snape's favourite book would be...

To say I was nervous was a massive understatement. Sure, we got closer during the last weeks due to his involvement in the drama group but apart from that we didn’t spend much time together alone. And to bring him into my quarters felt… like something else. Yet, I know myself only too well. I’ve grown rather attached to that mysterious man. I’ve caught myself staring more than once at him, simply watching how he moved with the ever presence of elegance and utmost concentration. His long black hair assists him in his dramatic turns and movements and I’ve found myself utterly fascinated. I only hoped I didn’t pretend, overinterpreted, overanalysed signs that were not there. Because when it comes to hard evidence, I only have his offer to work with me, what he shared about his life and work, almost hidden smiles and his hand softly squeezing mine on stage. That could mean everything and nothing. In the end, he could simply be polite while feeling repulsed by me.

Nevertheless, we’ve arrived at the Ravenclaw tower together. Thankfully, Ravenclaw staff don’t have to solve the riddles but gets a note with their solutions every morning. Because as much as I’m glad I was sorted here, gosh these riddles are annoying. I’ve never been good at solving them, so I’d always feel utterly unworthy to belong in this house. While entering Severus said: “I always found the riddles rather amusing but I’m not sure if they actually prove any intelligence at all.”

“I hope so. Otherwise, I probably don’t belong here. I find them often quite stupid and exhausting. Every time, I overthink the words too much and feel like an idiot when the solution is plain simple.”

“That is indeed brave to say as a Ravenclaw. Maybe I should send Flitwick a note.” - he said in jest.

“Don’t you dare! Oh, here we are. These are my quarters. Don’t expect anything too grand and it’s certainly not as tidied up as I wanted to.”

I did mean that but I’ve also tidied the whole room for about 3 hours the night before…

“In my experience, this is most often said by people who actually have made an effort to clean everything.” – he said while stepping inside and taking a look around.

“Ok, ok Mr Mindread. I take that still as a compliment to my household skills though”

He chuckled and followed me deeper into the room. My office consists mainly of bookshelves that cover every wall. In the middle was an old and big desk made of oakwood with a set of chairs on the one side and a huge leather chair on the other. The roof was the same as everywhere in the towers: an enchanted roof with a blue and starry night sky. I stepped to the wall on the left and said my password while moving my wand casting a recognition spell. The bookshelf opened up on one side, revealing stairs towards my private living quarters. They consisted of a living room, bedroom, and a small open kitchen. Here, too were book shelves everywhere and pile of books laying around. Attached to the living room was a tiny balcony with a beautiful view over Hogwarts grounds.

I invited him to follow me in my living room and told him to sit on the couch while I was brewing some tea. He sat there looking around but after a while went to the balcony to look outside. While looking he said: “A wonderful view. I always forget how small but comfortable the Ravenclaw quarters are with their balconies. Certainly a difference to the dungeon. The roof should give you much comfort though. Weird how you still long for more stars at night.”

“Well, yes it’s magnificent. However, the real stars are something else and I also just like sitting and walking around in the gardens.”

He returned to the couch and looked closely at a pile of books put on the table in front of him. After asking with a small “May I” he picked up a book from the pile on my table and looked absentmindedly through it. This felt unreal. He on my couch. The most unsocial and mean teacher at Hogwarts being so quiet and polite.

After putting the tea on the table with two glass cups, I sat beside him and said: “And what do you think of the book?”

“Jane Eyre. Interesting. I appreciate the growth of the character but in the beginning, she was quite a nuisance.”

“So, you’d rather be strict and violent as the pastor was?”

“Well, I don’t agree with his morals but I do agree with the strictness. Students are incompetent.”

“They’re just children. They do stupid things. They don’t want to study but have fun. Were you the perfect student back in the days?”

Here he paused for a bit in thought before saying: “Officially, I never broke any rules. Sometimes I had the intention but was disrupted or changed my mind. However, yes, I have to admit, I disagreed with my teachers but more in private. Slughorn was a rather incompetent potion maker. He was more interested in collecting names than grades. He and Minerva also protected students that broke the school rules many more times than I could count. I’ll never forget that from the oh-so-brave Gryffindor house. Especially, as they are always quick to stop me doing the same favouritism they’ve been practicing for more than a decade”

“I guess Slytherin and Gryffindor have a long tradition of hating each other. In general, I have the feeling that Hogwarts is not really interested in an anti-mobbing agenda.”

“That never was the case. You give up after 11 years of teaching here and even more after knowing how it is to be a student. And I admit, this might include my harsh teaching methods.”

“So you feel regret? Why not change?”

“I don't know... No, I don't feel much regret. Someone needs to be the villain here.”

“How can you say that when you know it’s wrong?”

He sighed and looked sternly at the teacup in his hand: “Maybe I’m just an asshole. Not that this is an excuse. I expect perfection because I try to show perfection in everything I do and I may say, I often achieve it. On the other hand, maybe I’ve just given up after years of seeing incompetence rewarded, privilege favoured, voices ignored and change rarely happening. So, I play the role that they’ve made me out to be because it fits. I know I’m responsible for some emotional scarring. But be assured I’d protect every student with my life when it should come to that, independent of their houses or standing. I’m not a good person (y/n), as you know, and I certainly don’t feel the need to justify myself to anyone.”

“I know, you don’t have to. I don’t want you to. I don’t want to reform you. I just want to get to know you better because that’s what I want to do and I feel like we have a common passion. Despite all this you’re here and at least show self-awareness. And I still want to talk to you. What does this say about me?”

“Truly, I don’t know. Maybe you’re mad and I shouldn’t be here.”

“Glad you are. Despite all this.”

He looked away, pretending to see something at the window. But I could see him smile softly. I felt like with this discussion our relationship has grown. We put something aside, we set boundaries and exchanged viewpoints. We returned to the discussion of books.

“Next to Shakespeare what do you usually read?”

“Everything that seems to have a purpose.”

“Oh, so no trashy romance novels and dragon stories?”

“I don’t see the point of “trashy romance novels” but I have to admit that Victorian novels are often full of silly love games and yet I read them.”

“I agree with you though I’m not so romantic at heart.”

“Love can be a powerful motivator. Yet, it bears many risks and clouds judgements. I have to say I prefer their controlled and polite way to make connections. I also try to read authors that show other perspectives. Voices that have previously been ignored. I have to admit, I need some recommendations in that regard though.”

“I can help you with that.”

We sat there for hours taking up books from shelves and talking about them. I’ve never seen him that.. emotional? Like he usually is very controlled. Smiles and laughter are always short, glimpses, you have to watch it closely. Yet, here…he seemed to smile more and more, show emotions clearly. When he hated a book, he hated it with passion, when he loved it you could see him gushing about it. Every book he didn’t know was picked up with curiosity, questions and a genuine interest. 

I watched his black eyes reading pages, his soft and gaunt fingers handling the books with the utmost care. At one point did we sit on the floor because I looked for a book on the lowest shelf and he joined me there instead of staying on the couch. I still know how special and untypical that felt for him. The tall man sitting on my blue carpet like a little boy. I smelt his perfume and looked at his expensive and fine clothes. I wondered why he wears his sleeves so long that they hide parts of his hands. Maybe it gives him some kind of comfort? I had to stop myself staring at his face out of fear he’d ask what the hell I was doing. I think that was the night I fell in love. Here, in the sanctuary of my room away from everything he was outside. Where he felt human, kind, compassionate. From here on, I knew I was doomed for a possible heartbreak and I had to be cautious.

We also talked about our relationship to literature and writing. I told him: "I feel like words connect us and the written word connects us even after our death. Just think about how many of these authors are long gone and yet we talk about them. Even if they weren't heard during their lifetimes, we listen and remember them, giving them the attention that they deserve. I hope one day my words will survive and mean something to someone."

"So you don't think you are appreciated and heard now? You're an academic and stood on the stage for many years. I'd argue people listen to you" - replied Severus.

"Yes, I know that sounds horribly selfish from my privileged perspective. People listen but my words are about others or even words by others for that matter. I feel unheard most of the time but that's ok. I also don't think anything will survive after my death. I will simply be forgotten and my words, too. Yet, that's a destiny most of us share. It's the human condition. "

Severus looked in reflection to the starry roof of my room and after some moments said: "Indeed. but you will be remembered for being a wonderful and intelligent person. I can assure you, your words will one day find the way to the people's hearts and minds. My words will mostly be stuck in someone's nightmares, which, I guess, is more than many get." We looked at each other and I saw some sorrow in his deep and black eyes. I felt the same. Yet, I think in that moment we both gave each other some comfort.

Late in the night he made his leave. I accompanied him outside the Raven tower while he was carrying a small pile of selected books. 

“Thank you for the tea, the stimulating discussions and the new reading material.. Have a good night.”

“Thank you for coming! It was really.. nice. I hope we can do that again, sometime.”

He smiled softly and returned to the Slytherin dungeons, robes wooshing and his head up high.


	9. The quality of mercy is not strained.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After catching up with Remus, you find your classroom destroyed and your heart broken. Yet, an owl in the middle of the night brings a message of kindness and an unexpected solution to your sleeping problems.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, that took a while. Probably a ton of tense mistakes in here. Apologies in advance.
> 
> The slow burn is slowly burning faster and I hope you'll like it! Thank you so much for reading! <3

A couple of days later, Remus had returned to Hogwarts. As the weather was gorgeous, we decided to take a walk in the forbidden forest during our break. You could feel it was getting colder and winter would soon be in full swing but our cloaks kept us warm enough.

“I tell you” – said Remus. “The hidden wizard restaurant on top of the Eiffel Tower is marvellous. The wine and food were superb! That was worth going to this waste-of-time conference. I swear, I almost RAN out the door when Professor Whitaker was done with his hopefully final seemingly endless monologue praising himself. He consistently had to give a 10 minutes ‘not a question but more of a comment’ monologue after every. single. presentation! Some people need to learn to keep it short and simple. Especially when I have a train to catch.”

“Ah yes.” – I commented “Some things never change. When I’m in a conference or a seminar I’m sitting around thinking of the shortest, most effective and relevant thing to say while others just… talk… without any consideration or thought. It’s a skill though.”

Remus watched some squirrels running up a tree and said: “Yes, I guess but you can do that without being an asshole. Anyway, enough of me gossiping about the so-called elite of the teaching wizard society. How have you been? I heard you’ve been filling my seat next to you with someone else.”

“Oh, and who might’ve told you that, I wonder” – I teased. “Well, to make it short. Severus could easily be a first-class actor and we both spent one inspiring evening talking about books. All very innocent and uneventful. And you know you’ll always be my favourite person to sit next to.”

“Seems like someone did at least an average job entertaining you. Just talked about books, eh? Did he scold you on your miserable book taste.”

“What?! I have an excellent taste! Don’t you dare!”

“You don’t like Brecht though. Or any of my cheesy horror story magazines.”

“I can appreciate someone’s impact on the arts without personally liking him. Brecht’s a dick that’s a fact! And I’ve never said I don’t like your magazines. I just find them too predictable.”

“Ok, ok! Did he scold you though?”

“Of course not! He was rather charming.”

“That’s a word I’d never use describing Professor Severus Snape but you do you.”

“There’s a slight problem though.”

“Oh, what would that be?”

“Remus, you’ve know him longer than I do. Do you know if he..”

“I’ve known him for over 10 years, but if you’re asking me if he has some ulterior motives being friendly to you or if he actually has or had something like a love life in the past– I’m afraid I can’t give you a satisfying answer.”

“…I’m very transparent, am I?”

“Yes, you are. Frankly, I think Severus, too.”

“What do you mean?”

“Anyone can see that there is something different in his behaviour. He never has been that friendly and caring with a new colleague before. I mean he and Minerva get along well in a competitive and respectful way. He and Sprout talk almost daily but it’s more business than anything else. He respects her knowledge and needs her supplies. Dumbledore often invites him for tea into his office. Apart from that, I’ve never seen him interact with someone on that close basis. He was very attached to a friend of mine during our school years but that didn’t end well and we’ve never talked much about her past together with him. Either way…. I don’t know what to tell you apart from it’s unusual. You should still be cautious though but it seems you two would get along very well IF that’s something he… does.”

I did return to my classroom deep in thoughts. Should I go further? Or maybe that’s not on his mind at all and I over interpreted it. I don’t know…

However, when I turned towards the hallway to my classroom door, all of these thoughts vanished form my mind. The door was unhinged and splintered wood lay all around the floor. It seemed it was forced open with an explosion. After I stepped inside, I saw that my books had been ripped apart and the pages were plastered all over the floor, walls, and the roof. My desk was placed upside down and all the costumes burned to ashes. Over the windows the following words had been written with red paint: “Whore”. In addition, there were enchanted paper planes flying around the room with the same message inscribed on them. I was shocked and paralysed for some minutes. Gaining my strength back, I ran to Dumbledore’s office to get help.

Shortly after, the heads of the houses, Remus, and Dumbledore stood in the room to get an overview of the damage. Remus and Severus tried to find out more about the culprits and the way the security spells have been broken. Dumbledore assured me he won’t tolerate this on his school grounds and will start an investigation immediately. He gave instructions to Pomfrey, Minerva, Severus and Flitwick to inform their houses and communicate that this is not acceptable and that there will be severe punishments. However, he also said that if someone voluntarily comes forward, this will be considered on milder terms. After gaining all the information one could from the crime scene, Remus and I stayed in the classroom to deal with the mess. I’ve stayed quiet during all this. Remus could see I was in peril and hugged me tight after we’ve cleaned everything up.

When I returned to my quarters all the pain I’ve swallowed during the day came pouring over me. I cried on my bed and felt utterly helpless. I’ve expected the backslash. I knew the pure-blood wizards would hold onto the connection that people who act are frivolous liars. That this kind of time-wasting entertainment shouldn’t exist and not taught at a school. But to see the safety of my students compromised.. I wasn’t prepared for this at all and I blamed myself for this.

Sleep was impossible despite my exhaustion. I’ve run out of Severus sleeping potions and didn’t want to use ask for more. In addition, it was raining heavily outside and thus my calming night-walk would’ve been too wet and unhealthy. What to do…

Suddenly I heard a noise on my balcony. A black owl tapped with her beak on the glass door. I let her in and she shook herself to dry, making her surroundings, including me, a bit damp. I gave her some food near the fireplace and took the letter attached to her feet. I read:

“Dear [y/n],

I hope my owl finds you well and it won’t be lost in the rain. 

I can imagine that it might be difficult for you to sleep tonight. I’ve prepared more of the sleeping potion for you. If you need some simply come to my office and knock.

Be assured my house will pay the price if the culprit is one of them.

Yours Sincerely,

Severus Snape”

I made my way to the dungeon immediately. I knew my eyes were puffy and red and I certainly didn’t look very well but I didn’t care. I wanted to talk to him. I just wanted to see him.

While I went downstairs, I heard thunder rattling outside. The rain had transformed into a storm. The thunder made the walls shook and I hurried downstairs.

I knocked and the door opened automatically by magic by recognising me. I stepped inside the office but couldn’t see anyone at first. I looked around and saw that one of the walls was open and through that Severus stepped towards me. His cloak and jacket were missing. He only wore the white shirt and black pants he usually wore underneath his three layers of clothing. Another thing was different this time: he had tied up his long black hair. I certainly wasn’t expecting such a relaxed and casual look. You could see his skinny but muscular chest under the shirt. He seemed to wear a necklace with a pendant on but I couldn’t make out what it was. To be honest, he looked very dashing like that. “Wow.”- I exclaimed before I could stop my brain. “I mean.. hi Severus. That’s not one of your usual looks but I have to say I rather like it.”

“This is not a look. It’s almost midnight and the only person I was expecting was you as Filch has to annoy Flitwick tonight. Contrary to popular belief, it’s not very comfortable sitting in my quarters in my full cloak. I reckoned that would be acceptable with you, taking into account our close acquaintance.

“Oh no, I’m glad you feel comfortable with me. I hope I’m not interrupting one of your free nights then.”

“I rarely have ‘free’ nights. There are other duties to follow. Yet, I invited you and opened the door so obviously no – you’re not interrupting. Apart from that, I have to tell you that you look dreadful. I assume you didn’t catch a wink so you can certainly use a refill of my potion.”

As always the gentleman… “Thank you, Severus.”

“You’re welcome. Come in.”

His quarters were similar to mine, as there were bookshelves on most of the walls and a fireplace. Yet, it was much darker due to the nature of the dungeons. He had a dark-green velvet couch and an old but cosy velvet reading-chair near the fire. A small shelf was on the wall over his desk containing various bottles of potions. I could see another door that presumingly lead to his bedroom. It was quiet spacious. On one side were enchanted windows that showed the outside of the garden upstairs. You could see the thunderstorm raging but it felt so safe and warm down here.

He pointed towards the couch and I took my place while he got some tea. He put it on the antique living room table in front of us and then sat opposite me, handing me the familiar bottle with his sleeping potion.

“Thank you. It’s so warm and cosy here, that’s such a strong contrast to the rest of the dungeons.”

“The Slytherin common room is similar. So far no student had reason to complain. It’s just the classroom and the hallways that are so cold and sinister. We might look unpleasant from the outside but we do care about a certain kind of luxury and comfort in our house.”

“Yes, of course.” I nodded and sipped on my tea.

“So, should we talk about what happened today or would you rather not? I’m not a healer and I personally don’t see the point in rambling to other people. Yet, I know it helps others. In any case, I’m listening.”

“There is not much to talk about though. For wizards, theatre is a gateway to prostitution because people pretend they're someone else. In addition, they kiss and hug on stage and do other ‘shocking’ displays so what good can it be, right? God-forbid it actually teaches anyone to not be a dick in real life. It’s fine.” –I said angrily and sarcasticly, convincing no one with the last statement. “I’m just worried about my students. They shouldn’t be confronted with it so early on..”

Severus replied: “They will be fine. Either they’ll continue and stand up for what they’ve learned or they quit. I can assure you, my colleagues made clear to their houses what their position is. The students can decide for themselves.”

“Maybe, but at this point it feels like their life and reputation is in danger.”

“Then Dumbledore, Remus and I will make sure they are safe and supported.”

It felt nice to hear that though it didn’t help much with my fear. “I appreciate it. I really do.”

Severus sighed and looked me straight in the eyes: “Yet, you are here and have doubts. Your eyes are red and puffy from crying, your hair unkempt and your clothes damp. You can’t sleep, you’re shaking and you are scared. Why are you scared? You knew it would be difficult but you also know you have support. Why would you let some stupid minor thing like this get into your head so easily?”

“You’re right… I know.”

“Then act like it.” - he said sternly.

I nodded and looked to the floor. I knew he was right. Yet, I was shaking. To hear him say those words was being confronted with the truth of my fear, worries and insecurities. Tears filled my eyes and I had to control myself. I didn’t want to end up crying on his couch so I looked down and pretended to be suddenly very interested in my tea.

I heard a deep sigh next to me, followed by a clinking sound of a tea cup put on the table. I didn’t want to look up, I didn’t want him to see me like that. He probably despises my weakness in this situation. One thing happens and I break down. For how many years, am I doing this? Why does it still bother me?

I expected him to leave the room or order me to go out but he did none of these things. Instead, I felt his hand touching mine and holding it tightly. He didn’t say anything. His hand was warm and his fingers softly intertwined mine. We just sat there for a while, holding hands in silence. I calmed down and instead of crying my heart was beating faster of joy. I was blushing but I didn’t care. That act was so kind, so soft, so warm, so comforting. After a while, I felt peaceful and my tiredness came over me. Bravely, I put my head on his shoulder to close my eyes for a bit. I could hear him sigh and moving slightly, contemplating what to do. Slowly, he let go of my hand and put his arm around me instead. He pulled me closer and I put my arm around his waist and my head on his chest. I smelt his perfume and heard his heartbeat. I could feel his muscles underneath the shirt. I felt like sitting in a cloud of warmth, peace and safety. With this, I quickly drifted into sleep. And all that without the help of a potion.


	10. I will wear my heart upon my sleeve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You wake up in Severus quarters and can't get your head around last night's events. You find an open ear for your thoughts with Minerva and Remus. In the end, you decide to play open cards.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not much to say about this one. Life sucks some times and I really needed a portion of fluff to cheer me up so I wrote this. Hope you all like it. Sorry about grammar mistakes. Also I realised there's an awful lot of tea drinking in my work. So go ahead and make yourself some tea to set the right mood! Tea's awesome and I mean that unironically.
> 
> Comments always appreciated. Thank you SO much for reading this! It means the world to me!

I woke up on his couch, covered with a green velvet blanket. After a short feeling of disorientation, I remembered where I was and how I got here. It still felt unreal though. Did last night really happen? Did I really fall asleep on him? And he let me just do that without complaint? He held my hand….I looked around: On the table next to me were tea, some scones and croissants on plates as well as a butter knife next to a jar of marmelade. There was also a small roll of parchment put into the empty teacup. I sat up and read:

“Good Morning [y/n]

Unfortunately, I have some important appointments to attend and thus can’t personally talk to you right now. As it is Saturday, I knew you didn’t have any classes to attend, so I reckoned it was fine to let you sleep in. Feel free to have breakfast before you head out.

Best regards,

Severus.”

As short and non-revealing as it could be. The breakfast looked amazing, so I didn’t hesitate to dive in. Meanwhile I looked around at his room and it was now illuminated by the sun coming from the enchanted windows. It was breathtaking and you really had the impression they’d lead outside just like the roof in the Ravenclaw tower. I hope I can be a guest here any time soon again.

I headed out to the teacher’s common room to find anyone to talk to about last night. It’s true, I didn’t have any appointments and it was Saturday. The teacher’s room is usually quite deserted at the weekend but one or two people were almost always around. To my disappointment, Remus wasn’t there but Minerva sat in one of the chairs with her coffee, reading the newspaper. When she saw me, she put it hastily away, stood up and greeted me with a long and tight hug. Petting my arm she said:

“I’m so sorry about yesterday, dear. How are you? Do you have time for a cup of tea in my office? I’d really want to talk to you about what happened in a more private place.”

I took up the invitation and nodded thankfully. We went to the Gryffindor quarters, where she let me inside her office. She offered me some biscuits and a nice and warm Darjeeling tea before saying the following:

“Now that we can’t be interrupted… I just wanted to say I’m sorry. When I told my house about the events, they all seemed to be very shocked. The ones who are in your class assured me they will continue their activity in the drama group. So, you see, they are very committed to you and your class. Never think, we won’t support you. I really can’t imagine anyone in my house holding these antiquated views of the arts but I’m old enough to not be a fool. Just because they are Gryffindors doesn’t mean they are all perfect little angels. I made clear to them that I stand by your side no matter what. If anyone has a problem with this, they are free to discuss it with me and I will make sure they soon know why they’re utterly wrong.” Her tone was sincere and resolute. I was deeply touched to have the support of such a strong and wonderful woman. She might be a bit stubborn at times but gosh, I admired her so much.

I replied: “Thanks Minerva. That really means a lot to me. I feel so much better knowing you all stand by my side. You’ve all been so kind to me last night. I’m not scared anymore.”

“Right you are. I’m sure Remus will help you with any precautious. Don’t you worry.” – she said and tapped my hand. “I have to admit, I’m looking forward to your play. Shakespeare is very entertaining after all and some of my students have been cast in very interesting roles by you.” – she smirked lovingly and took up another biscuit.

“Oh, you won’t be disappointed. The students really want to put up a high-class performance despite having little or no experience. We still need a solid number of rehearsals, but they will give a splendid performance at the end of the year. I’m sure of it.” - I said this with way more confidence than I actually had but hey, we gotta advertise us well.

After finishing her biscuit, Minerva folded her hands on the desk and said with an elevated eyebrow: “Now… do you want to talk about the other thing, too?”

“What other thing?” – I replied.

“You didn’t return to your quarters last night. My owl came back with her message. I was a bit worried at first but then I thought it’ll be alright after I checked in with some of the portraits.”

“Oh...” – ok, how do I get out of this. I wasn’t ready to share my silly feelings to other colleagues than Remus that soon….

Minerva just smiled and tipped my head lightly with one of her fingers: “You don’t need to hide behind the bush, dear. I know you and Professor Snape have spent quite a lot of time together lately.”

I exclaimed: “He just gave me another refill of my sleeping potion”, which was the truth. Though that wasn’t what put me to sleep in the end..

Minerva shook her head: “But that’s not it, isn’t it?” I was a bit of lost for words at that. After some seconds of silence, she continued: “Come on now. We’re grown-ups and you’d be surprised to know how much flirting and seduction is going on within the staff departments. Now, Severus is usually never involved in things like this so it’s certainly something else.” Ok, I need to come back to her at some point to hear her elaborate on that. Sweet, sweet gossip. Yet, let’s stick to my thing at first. It’s interesting how everyone I talk to about Severus is basically saying the same thing, so I said: “That’s what everyone is saying actually. That it’s unusual for him to be so friendly with someone.”

She replied: “Because it’s true. You get along well?”

“Yes, we do.”

“Can I be frank?” – she said, while looking sternly into my eyes.

“Of course.”

“Where do you think this is going? What do you feel for him?”

“I…. “and here I swallowed hard. Because vaguely telling it to Remus is fine but openly admitting it to someone new is difficult. I’m also not entirely sure of my concrete feelings, yet. I said: “I don’t know but… I think I’ve definitely fallen for him and would love to connect .. on a deeper level with him.”

“That’s a relief to hear.” – she replied quickly, taking another sip of tea. “Why?” - I asked with a puzzling face. She continued: “Because my dear, he’s head over heels for you.”

Finally, I could get a hold of Remus and we decided to watch the Gryffindor team during their training. It’s convenient because no one takes note of us in the stands. They’re way too focused on their training. The Hufflepuff team also isn’t interested in bullying their next game’s opponents during trainings. So, we were safe in that regard.

“Ok. That’s.. Minerva is very good in reading people and she certainly never holds back putting things bluntly.” – he said while watching some of the students trying to shoot a goal. “I guess we can take her word for it and he does have a sincere interest in you. We also have to take into account, of course, the fact that you were _holding hands_ ” -he said in a teasing tone, putting up his hand in a melodramatic gesture.

“Shut up, jerk.” – I pushed him slightly in jest. He continued: “For real, if that’s how a Professor Snape looks like being head over heels in love… that’s kind of disappointing. Though no, now that I think of it, I can’t see him doing lovey dovey talk or flirting with anyone. Still.. do you.... do you want to have a relationship with him? I’m not judging, really! In the end I wished he’d finally found someone to make him chill a bit. He's so goddamn tense.”

“I don’t know.. yes? Like we’ve just spent a couple of months working together, I don’t want to push this too fast. I only know, I want to pursue this further and be closer to him. But what if he just felt sorry for me yesterday. Or maybe he wanted me to calm down so I don’t ruin his couch with my snot or whatever.” – I said and put my head in my hands. UGH the whole thing shouldn’t be so complicated. I feel like a teenager..

Remus sighed and said: “I don’t think he’s the type for that. Once, I saw him give additional homework to a crying and clearly stressed out student without blinking an eye.” – Remus took up a stone and threw over the stands. He has a point, I thought. In the end, he could’ve just ordered me to leave. That reminds me.. “Minerva also told me I shouldn’t let his insecurities destroy anything good in his life again. She fears that he’ll try to get himself in the way of happiness. What do you make of this?”

“I agree. I think many people, me included, are responsible that he truly believes he’s the villain and he just sticked with it. I don’t think that’ll change much even with the prospect of love. I think in its core there is a self-manipulating tendency that comes from a deep feeling of insecurity. It doesn’t mean he can’t change. It also doesn’t mean that he shouldn’t have or deserves a fulfilling relationship. You might have to convince him of that fact though. If it ever gets too… intense.. don’t be a fool. Come to me, talk to me and we make sure you’re safe. Your past doesn’t give you a free ticket to being a dick.”

Bad memories came back to me. Of me being too patient, too naive, too.. compliant, not seeing that a person is abusive, manipulative and cruel. All the thoughts of ‘I don’t deserve any better’ come back to me. Maybe Severus is not the right choice.. what if it becomes similarly… nightmarish? But I can’t stop my heart and so far he didn’t show any red flags. He self-reflects. He apparently wants to change. And I can’t stop thinking about him and wanting to be with him. He has been nothing but kind. Harsh sometimes, but kind and caring. Honest with his flaws. Finally, I said to Remus: “I guess, I should just do the reasonable and grown up thing: be open, see where it goes, and talk to him?”

I returned to my quarters to do some reading in preparation for the upcoming week. Remus assured me he’ll come on Monday to put some new spells on the walls to guarantee protection. It was difficult concentrating though. My mind kept going back to last night’s event. The good and the bad parts of it. I sat on my balcony for a while to order my thoughts. It was a foggy afternoon and you could barely see the woods through the misty clouds. It was so peaceful. I’m surprised about my own calmness, considering that someone broke into my classroom, destroyed it and hasn’t been caught, yet. The overwhelming support here helps. I’m really lucky to be here and not.. in that other place.

I heard my doorbell ring and walked to the door to see who it was. I didn’t expect visitors and I don’t hold office hours on the weekend. Let’s hope that doesn’t mean bad news. Yet, the enchanted mirror next to the door, which serves kinda like a camera, showed me instead a tall, gaunt man in front of my door: Severus. I opened: “Hey” – I said. “Good Afternoon, [y/n].” – he replied. “I’m finished with my appointments today and wanted to tell you that I’ve found a potion that could help securing our classroom. I just checked with Pomfrey and Sprout and we indeed have all the ingredients for it. I think I could brew it until Monday.”

“Oh my God, that’s great!” – I replied. “Ehm.. would you like to come in? You can tell me more about it then. I’m intrigued. Thank you so much. Everyone supports me here, it’s overwhelming.. in a good way.” With that, I went back to my quarters and signalled him to follow me. He took a seat on the couch and I got some biscuits and drinks from the kitchen and put them on the table. After I sat down, he handed me an open book and pointed to the illustration of a potion on it. He explained to me how it works and how it leaves a trace on the perpetrator when he walks through it, which is invisible and can only be lifted by a spell. This spell can be modified during the creation of the potion and thus can only be used by its creator. It’s ingenious really. Complicated to make but I had full trust in Severus, who would surely have no difficulty brewing it.

After we agreed on the details on where and how to use it in my classroom, he told me more of his exchange with the Slytherin house last night. He told me, that some of them didn’t seem to be particularly shocked about the events but these were the students he knew to have a rather negative opinion about theatre. However, knowing that their own headteacher was on my side made them reluctant to give any rude comments. We talked a bit more about the beautiful edition of the potion book he had with him and did some more small talk about literature and the life of a teacher at Hogwarts. It felt so natural to talk to him. It was so easy and made so much fun. I decided it would be a good moment to ask about last night:

“I wanted to thank you again for yesterday. For the kind words and the delicious breakfast. May I ask you something though?”

“Speak your mind. No need for formalities.”

Ok, now comes the hard part. I sighed. “Were you nice to me only because you felt sorry? I mean, I fell asleep on you and you just let me without any complaints and you.. did take my..?”

He interjected suddenly: “I’m not sorry for anything and I certainly don’t feel the need to be friendly to anyone out of pity. I’d argue I didn’t give you any hints that this might be the case”

“But.. I mean, you were right. I was just.. the events of the day came all down on me in that moment. I realised how naïve I was to think that it wouldn’t happen here. I was also sad that I doubted myself so much after something like this. I will fight this. I will go on and hold my composure but it’s still.. difficult, you know? I didn’t have the right to load everything on you.”

“I offered you my ear, so it’s fine. I told you not to apologise for things that have been initiated and consented by me. And yes, it is difficult and it is frustrating. Yet, I’d rather have you here doing your work trying than simply giving in.”

“Thank you…” – I was really touched by this. No, don’t start crying again,don't be too emotional again. I still have questions to ask: “So, holding my hand wasn’t just an empty gesture out of the ‘How to comfort other people’ book?”

He sighed and slightly shook his head: “First of all, I wouldn’t read such a book and I doubt it exists. Second, I don’t need a handbook to know what people want or need to be comforted. I just often choose to ignore it for their sake. Third, I don’t hold hands with anyone as a purely performative gesture.”

“But does that mean you would hold my hand even if I wasn’t crying like a baby?”

“You weren’t crying like a baby. You were _almost_ crying like a baby. But yes, Sherlock your deductive skills led to the right conclusion here: It would indeed ‘mean that’.”

“So………. you’d do it again?” – I asked curiously and looked at him way too happily.

“You’re insufferable do you know that? Are you not capable of asking directly if you want something specific?”

“And are you not capable of replying directly?”

“I don’t feel the need to spell out what is obvious. I don’t reward stupid questions.” - and with this he sighed, shook his head and took my hand again. This time was different. I wasn’t in a mood of despair; I didn’t need someone to get me grounded again. It was purely for pleasure. He looked down at the table but I could recognise the faintest blush on his face. His fingers were closely intertwined with mine. I could hear my heart beating up again and recognised him breathing slightly faster.

“This is nice.” – I said after a while.

“What a thoughtful observation.” - he said.

“Stop ruining the mood, Hamlet.” – and I sat closer to him. Once again, he let go of my hand and put his arm around me. He pulled me close, drawing circles on my shoulders. After some time, he took my other hand into his, looked at me and said quietly:

“You know. I’m not.. I didn’t join your group because I wanted anything of a superior motive. I truly want to support your cause, and these were always my intentions.”

“I know. Don’t worry about it.”

“In addition, I know I’m theoretically a perfect man.” – I rolled my eyes at this. “Yet, I don’t know if I... I’m not the best of keeping close relationships. I’m not the easiest man to be around. I don’t want to fool you.”

“I didn’t think so. It’s fine. To be honest, me neither. But I think we should just communicate, be honest with each other and see where it goes.” – I paused for a bit in thought. “Of course, if that’s what you also want...” Yes, just ruin anything brain. “Have you… had other relationships?”

He played a bit with my fingers and touched my hand softly: “Yes, I’m not a virgin if you mean that. But my former relationships either failed because I was.. frankly, a bit of an asshole, so there are on me. I don’t want to make these mistakes again. Others were nothing serious. My recent ones were more of a.. practical nature than an emotional one. They also have been some time ago, too. I assure you my intentions are not in that direction here. If I ever try again there should be more.”

“Same. My last relationship was very abusive. He didn’t respect me and I was too stupid to realise it sooner. Then I was alone for many years until I came here. Fiction is an escape for me in that regard. Drama, too. I thought when I leave my last working place, my home, my town.. I’d escape it all. In addition, I kind of gave up on love and dating and stuff.” – I sighed, realising I was sitting here with arms around me, holding hands with a man, which can definitely be identified as ‘love, dating’ and stuff’. The irony. I chuckled to myself.

“What’s so amusing?” – he asked.

“Well, guess at the moment I’m not really behaving like I might have given up on love.”

“I know that feeling.” – he said quietly and turned his head to my side. I could feel his breath on my hair and I wondered if he wanted to kiss me right now. Because damn I’d love to do that. For now though, this was perfect.


	11. The course of true love never did run smooth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Severus has to rush to an appointment, your romantic evening has come to an end. However, he suggests going to London with you the next day and you couldn't be more excited. Unfortunately, prejudice and disrespect for your profession haunts you there, too in the form of a blond man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes: It’s the London DATE CHAPTER. Be prepared for fluffy fluff fluff overkill. I’m so in love with this dungeon bat. Thank you for reading!

We still sat there on the couch, fingers intertwined, his arm around me. He lightly put his chin on my head. It was pure bliss. For some moments I closed my eyes and just took in his warmth, his heaving chest, his soft breath, to be in such close proximity to him. I loved this moment so much and wished I could stay forever like that. Alas, all things have to come to an end. He spoke: “I have no desire to leave but unfortunately, I have an appointment with Pomfrey in about 10 minutes.”

“Oh, sure. I’m sorry.” – I uttered and stood up to accompany him to the door.

“Once again, there’s no need for an apology. I didn’t realise how late it is already.” – he said walking slowly towards the door. He stood for some moments in the doorway, clearly pondering on something. He rubbed his hands together nervously. His long hair fell into his face and he looked rather cute and shy like this.

Finally, he asked: “This might be rather sudden. But I have to go to London tomorrow to get some rare ingredients for my class next week. Would you like to accompany me?” – is this a date? Is he asking me for a date? My heart fluttered and I exclaimed way too enthusiasticly: “Of course! I mean, yes, I love London! I could also have a look at some of the bookstores to get some material, too. Sadly, Hogwarts is quite understocked when it comes to muggle literature. I’d love to go with you.” He sheepishly smiled: “Very well. Then we’ll see us tomorrow. We can meet up at 8 in my quarters. Have a pleasant evening then.” And with this he bowed, took up my hand to place a soft kiss on it and left. I could still feel his lips on my skin, his hair that touched my arm while bowing down, the soft fabric of his shirt that covers half of his hand. This certainly has been a very interesting weekend so far.

I spent the evening pondering about my clothes of choice, what to say, do, and the endless ifs and maybes and whens. In the end I decided to go with a long black velvet dress. It was sleeveless, so I wore a cozy and long dark green cashmere pullover over it. I also decided on my thin but long autumn black coat with fine flower applications on it. I’d leave my cloak here, as we might also go into muggle territory. In the end, a cloak is not really en vogue with muggles these days. I went to sleep after arranging everything for the next day. However, before I tried to sleep, I received a reply from Remus. His little red owl arrived about 10 minutes after I’ve sent mine telling him all about my day tomorrow. Remus replied: “Monday evening, my place. Leave out NO DETAILS! 😉 Love, Remus.”

The next morning, I was up way too early. I wasn’t tired though. The excitement kept me awake. My night was spent making up elaborate scenarios that ran in any direction. It occurred to me that it might not count as a date if he had something to do in London and just tagged me along. Shaking this off, I decided against coffee. Usually, I need at least two strong cups to barely function, now I decided not to drink any because it might increase my nervousness. With a deep breath, I made my way to the dungeon to his quarters.

He opened the door and was dressed in his usual black buttoned up jacket with the white shirt underneath. However, he also wore a black woollen coat over it instead of his heavy cloak. Around his neck hung a rather old knitted black scarf. He also wore black fingerless gloves. I thought he was dressed a bit too warm for this autumn weather. On the other hand, it’s London we’re talking about and it got indeed much colder over the night. I greeted him with a slight tremble in my voice. I was still nervous even though we’ve spent months together talking about literature and organising the drama club. Yet, this was the first time I went outside Hogwarts with him alone. He nodded and greeted me with a soft smile.

“I think we should use the floo powder network to get there. Probably the fastest way, though I don’t necessarily enjoy the sensation of getting sucked into whirlwinds.”

“Agreed. But I’m with you.” I went first and concentrated on speaking clearly despite my nervousness and the butterflies in my stomach. On arrival in the Leaky Cauldron, he followed soon after me, his hair slightly dishelved. He put it in order a bit and then pointed to the door towards Diagon Alley. “I have to get my ingredients first. Millain’s store has the worst opening times in the entire country, while being run by the most unpleasant store owner in London. I want to get it done and over with. Feel free to stay here and wait or accompany me. We can go and look for your books afterwards.”

“Sure. No, I can come with you. I don’t mind.” – I replied. He nodded and to my surprise, hold out his hand to me. Tentatively, I took it and we walked out hand in hand. I really didn’t expect he would do that here. Sure, it seemed like no one we knew was in the pub at the moment, as most of the staff preferred to stay on Hogwarts grounds during the weekends. Still.. What if someone asks him about me? I felt flattered without a doubt. Yet, this was such an open gesture for a private man like him. Blushing and feeling rather shy I walked next to him to the store. He was right. According to the small wooden sign, they have an opening time of about three hours on the weekend. Luckily, there was only one person in front of us in line. Severus sighed loudly and I could see how annoyed he was. Tapping with his foot on the floor, he whispered to me “Millain always takes ages to get an order done because he thinks gossiping with each customer is part of the deal. Socialising is for fools. If this wasn’t the only place to get two extremely rare ingredients, I’d avoid this shop like the plague.” I chuckled a bit but then it was our turn.

“Oh, who do we have here? Professor Severus Snape.” – the old and trembling man said. He had a long grey beard that reached to the floor and wore a bright red waistcoat over a white but tattered shirt. He looked rather amused on seeing Severus, almost smirky. “I assume you want the usual? Oh, how I wished you’d let me supply you with some other ingredients, too. I wouldn’t bet on the Hogwarts grown ingredients. Mine are always the best.”

Severus replied coldly: “Yes, the usual, please. I’m sure your ingredients are of the highest quality. Yet, I prefer not coming to London too often.”

“I see. But you are not alone today. Who is this fine lady next to you.”

With this he offered me his hand and gave me a rather sloppy hand kiss. Very stark contrast to Severus yesterday. It was rather awkward and wet. “Oh, I’m [y/n]. I usually don’t need potion supplies. I’m working more with books.”

“Yes, the study of runes and history is important but also very theoretical. Not really my cup of tea.” – he said dismissingly while turning around and looking for the asked ingredients. I didn’t want to correct him. For wizards, the study of books does not mean literature but runes and history. I didn’t want to hear his thoughts on my profession, so I’d rather accept this lie. Severus took up my hand again and squeezed it lightly. He exchanged a knowing look and then stared impatiently on the clock put on the wall. I could see why that guy is not a very favourable character. He indeed walked slower as a sloth and his small-talk felt more like a police investigation. He was interested in so many details. You really had to make an effort to not give him too many details, while staying relatively polite. In addition, he trash-talked other stores while continuously advertising his own products. I could see how annoyed Severus was but he kept his temper apart from some snarky but hidden comments. After what felt like 4 hours, we finally got out of the store.

“Sorry about that” Severus told me outside. “Insufferable man. But now that we’re done with the annoying part. What shall we do now?”

I could feel my stomach rumbling. I was too nervous to eat properly this morning, so I said: “I’m actually a bit hungry. Would you mind going to a Café? Having a bit of a sit down with coffee and cake? I know a marvellous café, muggle bound though, but I liked it a lot during my days in London.”

“Of course, lead the way” – and with this he offered me his arm like the true gentleman he can surely be sometimes.

Some minutes later we found ourselves opposite the Globe theatre in a small café. After we arrived inside, Severus said: “Next to the globe. How fitting for you.”

“Well, yes. What do you expect? But the coffee is also superb, I promise!” We looked for a small table for two rather hidden in one of the back corners. We sat opposite from each other. I ordered one piece of the delicious looking carrot cake as well as a Café Latte. Severus simply ordered black coffee. The whole situation felt kinda unreal. Sure, we spent many evenings together either in work in the classrooms, or in one of our quarters. But this was.. even if it wasn’t a date it sure felt like it. I told him: “You know, I spent many afternoons in here on my own, drinking coffee, writing, reading. I used to work for a year as an assistant at the Globe. One of the best years of my life but it was also lonely in a way. I got along well with my colleagues and had some friends but something was always missing. It’s nice to be back here… with someone.”

He propped his chin on his hand and looked at me: “Yes, you briefly mentioned it. It must have been quite inspiring to live and work here. For me personally, London is too crowded. I prefer my loneliness. Nevertheless, I appreciate the vast cultural landscape and the restaurants. And I enjoy your company here. Though I wouldn’t call your milk with a bit of coffee a real drink.”

I loudly disagreed: “Excuse me! I just appreciate the softness of milk in the mixture. I have an excellent taste in drinks.”

He chuckled: “Whatever you say.” – he said sipping on his black drink of bitterness. His other hand lied so close to mine. I wanted to hold it but hesitated. I know we’ve been through all this but I’ve never did it on my own initiative. I felt more comfortable when he does it. I’m scared of going too far, of doing one thing too much that doesn’t sit well with him. Although I knew everything points to the other direction. Why am I like this? During my constant back-and-forth in my head, Severus looked at me with curiosity. He smirked and then said: “Do I really have to repeat myself? You’re not a teenager anymore. Grow up. Just do it.” I huffed and took his hand: “Don’t be so mean! It’s still hard you know? In the end you’re the poster child of a threatening dungeon bat. I don’t want to do something that doesn’t sit right with you.”

He put his other hand on mine, too: “I never liked that nickname much though I have to admit I do indeed share some characteristics with bats. I’d prefer going out at night and hiding away from humans as much as I can. However, if you need it to be spelled out: I don’t mind you touching me. Quiet the opposite… I welcome it.” I could feel the the heat running up my face, blushing heavily. He looked up with an elevated eyebrow and said with a sarcastic, monotone voice: “Shocking, I know. For all that matters, I’m surprised myself.” I giggled and took another bite of my cake. Yes, this does indeed help.

After a while, I asked: “Are you the type to hang out in Cafes?”

“Sometimes. I feel invisible in muggle Cafes. Not like in Hogwarts where everyone recognises you and you can’t do anything without gossip, without judgement. Also without responsibility. I don’t have to scold anyone here.” He let his eyes run over the other tables in the room. I replied: “Yep, you have a point. What if someone recognises you though?”

He snorted: “I don’t mind being seen with you, if that’s what you mean with your implying questions. Do you, Miss [y/n]?” I smiled: “No, not at all, Professor Severus Snape.” – I retorted mockingly. “I’m flattered to be here with you. No matter how cheesy it may sound.”

After I finished my cake, we went to some of the bookstores along the Thames and I found plenty of material for my classes. During all this we talked and exchanged our opinions just like we did back in my quarters. We also looked at some of the antique wizard bookstores to buy some of the newer history books and children’s books that are the only ones actually telling stories.

It was getting dark but we walked slowly along the Thames just taking in the atmosphere. I went to one of the handrails to have a closer look at the sunset. It was beautiful and mesmerising. And so damn romantic, it’s rude. I could feel Severus walking up behind me and putting his arm around my waist. I turned around to face him, putting my hands on his shoulders. I looked deep into his black eyes and if there ever was a perfect moment to kiss someone it was this one. I ran my hand through his soft, long, black hair. He smelled like oakwood and violets and I could feel his breath on my lips. He was so tall and beautiful, so elegant and lovely. He moved with so much care and consideration. He put his hand on my cheek and quietly asked with his signature deep and rolling voice: “May I?” I nodded and held my breath. And then finally, he moved in closer to kiss me. His lips were soft and moved slowly. I could taste the strong coffee he drank hours ago but it wasn’t a bad sensation. His arms enclosed me and moved around my back, pulling me closer. I slipped my hands through the open coat onto his jacket, stroking his chest, while running my fingers through his hair. I felt my knees getting weak, overtaken by the sensation. So warm, so soft, so electrifying. I was embraced by his smell, his skin, his taste. When our kissing became more intense, I let out a small moan and immediately felt embarrassed about it. I stopped the kiss and uttered a shy “Sorry” but he shook his head and softly whispered into my ear “Don’t. It’s rather.. mesmerising.” His voice sent shudders down my spine and he kissed me again. After a while we stopped and just looked at each other. He smiled. A smile that I’ve never seen on his face, so happy, so full of joy, loving and open. He stroked my cheek again and put his coat over me: “I think, it’s getting cold. We probably should return.” I hadn’t realised it had gotten significantly colder until now. It was dark and the stars could be seen above us.

We walked hand in hand back to the Leaky Cauldron, glowing of happiness and warmth. However, before we could get closer to the fireplace, a voice interrupted our actions: “Severus! What a pleasant surprise to see you here. Usually you’re not in London at this time of day.” – We turned around and a tall, skinny man with long blond hair in expensive and rich clothing stood in front of us. His clothes were unnecessarily pompous and probably so expensive, that I could never afford them during my lifetime. He had a silver walking stick in one of his hands with a silver snake on it. And then I knew who he was: Lucius Malfoy. “Indeed.” – Severus said with fake politeness. “Nor are you a frequent guest of this establishment, Lucius”

“No, I’m not but sometimes you have to meet up with this folk to get business done. Who is the lady next to you? Have you finally found another.. arrangement? It was about time. I suggested a fine brothel to you ages ago but you never seem to take up my offer.”

Severus looked angry and even with his utmost controlled temper, it was clear to me how much he wanted to cut Lucius head off. Yet, he replied coldly instead: “I’ve told you I’m not interested in that kind of establishment. And she isn’t part of it. She’s the new teacher at Hogwarts.”

Lucius smirked: “Oh, the little drama queen, I assume? I heard about it. Just another brothel, I’d say. But she looks fine for that.”

Severus was about to speak but I interjected: “Thank you Severus. I can speak for myself. With all due respect, Mr Malfoy, I don’t care what you think of me or my profession. In addition, I don’t think less of sex workers and I’m sure they have to work hard to please you. You should respect them more.”

He snarked: “Maybe I should respect them for the fact that they know where their place is. I cannot say this about your folks. You lie and pretend you're something better, wasting time and space among our lines.”

“I don’t think I can sway your opinion, so it isn’t worth wasting my energies debating you.” - I snapped and took some steps away from him.

Lucius mouth twitched and he turned towards Severus: “At least she’s intelligent enough to realise that. Well, I have to take my leave. Have fun with her, my friend.” And he swiftly walked out of the pub. Severus bit his lip and said sternly: “Let’s leave. Now.” And with this we returned to Hogwarts.

After our arrival, Severus paced restlessly in his room, trying to shake off his anger. I didn’t dare to talk and just stood there without knowing what to do. He then said: “I’m sorry about that. Please don’t think Lucius is my friend. He is an acquaintance; I sadly have to deal with from time to time. I have to do this to defend Hogwarts. To ensure our existence. We used to be friends for a short while during my school days but I don’t…Please, don’t think I’m on the same side as him. I despise him and I surely don’t go to brothels with him.”

I let out a deep breath and calmly said: “It’s fine. Maybe I should’ve ignored him.. I appreciate you standing up for me but I can defend myself, Severus. I hope I.. I hope you don’t regret going out with me after this.”

“No, never.” He rushed towards me, putting his hands on my shoulders and looking at me in shock. “Never. Please believe me.” – I could hear genuine fear in his voice, a weakness that I haven’t heard before in a man so resolute and controlled as him. His lips were trembling, his eyes wide open, he really was scared. He was fearing the worst. Like I would walk away immediately. He acted like he wouldn’t be believed. What did happen to him that he had this fear? I’ve never seen him like this before. I took his hand and said: “It’s ok. I believe you. Don’t let this ruin our day. Because I really liked being with you today, Sev.” And with this I kissed him softly. He returned the kiss and hugged me tight. Then he said: “I feel the same.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first time for me writing a kissing scene. Feel free to let me know if that’s working out somehow in the comments.


	12. Our doubts are traitors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After this eventful weekend, a new working week at Hogwarts begin. Doubts and fears creep into the readers mind but she distracts herself well with work. Once again, she asks Severus for confirmation. At the end of the day, Remus finally hears all about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't like the ending that much but it's fine for now. I hope I'm not rushing to fast into the relationship, let me know if I do. Severus will also encounter fears and doubts. But in a different way. In the end, it'll stay a very cheerful story because I'm a sucker for fluff and happy endings. Especially for Severus Snape., I mean his life is just so tragic in a way and he never really has a moment of happiness, hasn't he? I desperately need him to be happy somehow.

It was almost midnight when we parted and I was very reluctant to leave. We talked for a bit more over a chamomile tea and kissed good night. I was scared to wake up tomorrow and see that it all had been a dream after all. That he would regret kissing me and pretend that nothing had happened. Too many times in my life a man claimed to adore me, kissed and slept with me. Then, like Hamlet I might argue, pretended it was just my silly, little, naïve heart that felt too much. “It was nothing.” – they said “We are not compatible. I’ve never seen you as anything like that.” And then they went on with their lives. I was left behind questioning my mind, my decisions, my memories. Did I see too much into that? Was my judgement so clouded? It left me deeply insecure over the years. I caught myself thinking the same things here now, too.

On Monday, I gulped down my coffee and went to the weekly teacher’s meeting. Obviously, I wouldn’t smooch and flirt with Severus in a professional set up. We said ‘Good Morning’ to each other but he was deep in conversation with Albus. I also didn’t catch a word with Remus as he had to quickly leave for his lesson. We just winked at each other and he mouthed a silent “Catch you later!” into my direction.

I caught up on breakfast afterwards, as my lesson didn’t start until the second period of the day. As we were writing an exam my muggle literature lesson was quiet and uneventful. I must admit that after a quick look over the papers, I was pleased with the performance of my students. I was too busy to catch up on lunch as I was helping Hagrid to teach the third-years how to deal with Hippogriffs. After some unpleasant experiences, mostly due to careless behaviour of the students, he wanted to make sure that two pair of eyes were watching the scene. We bonded about our shared love for magical creatures. I volunteered to help because I was not as work loaded as my colleagues.

I arrived in my classroom about half an hour before my drama session. I quickly ate some pumpkin bread and a coffee to stay awake. This will be a tough session. The classroom looked better than before and had been secured rigorously. Yet, everyone at Hogwarts knew what happened and thus I wanted to stray from my usual rehearsal schedule today. I moved the chairs into a circle and then waited for the students and Severus. I was nervous. Not just because of the events of the day before but also what my students would say about the incident.

I opened the door at 4 and invited the students to sit in one of the chairs. Severus came some minutes before the lesson started and at first took a seat in the back. However, I gestured him to sit next to me in our little witchy circle and he obliged reluctantly.

“I’m sure everyone here knows what happened last Friday to our classroom. That’s why I want to change things up a bit. We’ve known each other for a couple of months and I’m very impressed by your curiosity for theatre, your constant improvement of your skills and your kindness towards each other. This is why I wanted to give you this opportunity to talk to me and everyone else here. Do you have any feelings, questions, or fears about what we’re doing here? Or what happened? Why it has happened? Be as open as you want to. I won’t force anyone to say anything but I encourage you to take this as a safe place. Severus and I will try to help you as much as possible.” Here Severus shot me a quick look of panic but I ignored that. “I don’t want to pretend it didn’t happen nor do I want to ignore that theatre will always have a difficult position in the wizard world. But I think it’s a cause worth pursuing. Because we will prove them wrong. Yet, it’s not weak or wrong to question things and to be scared. Just be open with me. I’ll be, too.”

So, I told them all I’ve experienced during my career. How I studied in the muggle and wizard world. How I worked with the first wizard theatre company. How we were thrown out of schools and clubs. How the ministry only reluctantly protected us at first. But also about the support, the plays written by brilliant witches, which still need to be published, the audience members who changed their minds and Albus Dumbledore’s support. They listened closely and then told me all about their weekend. How some of them were scared and others considered leaving out of fear that their parents would judge them. But also how they loved acting, creating and discussing the work. Some even started to write their own plays. We ended on a hopeful note. I finished the class early as this was all needed for today. I felt hopeful.

When every student had left, Severus and I put the chairs back in order. I noticed that Severus used wandless magic to move things around. I knew he’s a brilliant wizard but I couldn’t help feeling impressed by it. I said: “Wandless magic? I envy you being able to do this so casually. I always get a headache from the sheer energy and focus it costs.”

He replied: “Well, if you’re doing it wrong you indeed get headaches. It’s also not strictly necessary to use wandless magic in this context. But sometimes it’s faster and more convenient. Or..” and here he looked at me smirking “ I simply like to show off sometimes.”

“Oh, that’s what it’s all about.” – I laughed. “You don’t need to do that for me.”

“Maybe I just wanted to compensate that I didn’t have anything to contribute today. Nevertheless, I think that you did handle the affair quite well.”

“Thank you, Sev.” I said, suddenly becoming nervous again. Why is this still so difficult? We kissed yesterday. I should feel more... comfortable by now. There is another question that came into my mind though: “May I ask you why you didn’t become the Defence against the dark arts teacher? You clearly have the skills and competence to do so. I heard from Remus that the position was in peril for many years.”

He let out a harsh breath and leant against the stage, arms crossed. I hope I didn’t touch a sensitive topic here. After a while, he glanced up to the ceiling and said: “Yes, I do have the abilities. I’ve held a grudge against Albus for a long time. In the end, I’ve asked for this position for 8 years. Each year he declined. It was almost a tradition before the semester starts. Me writing and he declining politely.”

“You’ve been a teacher for 10 years now. What has changed?”

“I got older.” – he smiled softly. “I was 21 when I started. I must admit Albus had a point, despite my solid belief back then I’d be perfect for that position. I was too insecure and impulsive. It was hard for me to teach potions at my age and this class.. it wouldn’t have done me well. I was too unstable. In addition, and that is something you have to keep to yourself: the current teacher is an improvement to his predecessors. I feel like he is competent enough to teach our insufferable students at least the basics. A task many others have failed.”

I was beaming: “Ok, I’ll keep it a secret despite me thinking that Remus would very much appreciate this hidden compliment.” I winked and got closer to him. He still manages to mesmerise me, enchants me every time I’m close. How can a man be this elegant? His black eyes looked at me questioning, daring. I took his hand nervously. I sighed and asked: “Severus, did yesterday really happened?”

He scoffed: “Are you having memory problems? Doesn’t seem to be a very favourable trait for someone who teaches drama. Needing a potion for that Ms [y/n]?”

“Shut up. I’m… could you just say yes? To ease my mind. I know it’s irrational and stupid and childish but..”

And here he turned towards me, put his left hand on my waist, the other on my cheek and kissed me. It was a tender and slow kiss pulling me closely to his body. I felt flustered and could feel a flush creeping up my face. I opened my mouth to feel his tongue on mine and he obliged with a deeper kiss. Slowly, his hand started to wander over my neck touching, exploring cautiously. Each touch of his fingertips sent electric shocks throughout my body. I got goosebumps and another moan slipped from me. I felt myself entirely lost in this moment, no thoughts left in my mind. It’s remarkable how easy he’s able to draw me in, to throw me off my feet, to distract me from anything else. It never stops feeling unreal. He was certainly quieter and more controlled than me. Nevertheless, his soft and deep breaths drove me made. When we broke the kiss, he whispered into my ear: “Is that proof enough, Professor [y/n]?”

I felt my knees going weak and I held on to his shoulders for support. I nodded and spoke slowly out of breath: “Yes…. I’m sorry… I’m questioning my own mind quite a lot. But you’re doing a good job making me forget that.” – I chuckled.

He smirked. That cocky little ass. I hate that he knows how good he is at all that. He hugged me tight putting his head on mine. Then he said teasingly: “You don’t say. I have to admit, I can say the same about you.” He gave me a short kiss on my head before letting me go and putting the last chair in order saying: “Now where do these doubts come from, I wonder. You have no reason for it. So far, everything I’ve seen from you points towards a sophisticated and thoughtful person. Though one could argue that your choice to involve a certain potion master in your class might have been illogical at first.”

“I’d counterargue that it was a perfect addition.” I retorted. “I don’t know. No, I do know but.. It’s difficult to talk about it. I guess, it can be summarised as bad experiences in the past. I know, it’s the present that counts bla bla bla. It just, takes some time to accept that.”

His expression hardened a bit while he replied: “I’m sorry to hear that. I’m afraid, I have one or two bad experiences of my own. Unfortunately, I have to go and I think you also have an upcoming appointment.”

I looked at him puzzled: “How did you know?”

“Well Professor Lupin is not the best actor in the world and his interrogation tactics are clumsy at best. Tell him, he should take one of your classes that would be beneficial for all of us.”

I laughed out loud: “Oh, I will.”

I headed to the Gryffindor tower and Remus quarters. When I knocked on his door, Remus opened, smiling at me beaming like a small child. In his right hand he held a big bucket of popcorn. I laughed: “What the hell, Remus?!”

He led me through the door: “Hey, I’m here for the tea, the gossip, the action, the stories and my popcorn is ready! It’s hard enough to keep it a secret from Sirius for now since you asked me to stay quiet about it for a while. So I really need you to share it all with me so I can at least talk to you about it.”

I scoffed: “Well you haven’t been very successful in keeping quiet in front of Severus.”

Remus sat on the couch next to me chewing on some popcorn, speaking with his mouth full: “Oh, of course he did tell you. I had some free minutes in the teacher’s office when the dungeon bat came in and I couldn’t stand his emotionless face. I just HAD to ask him how his weekend was, you know?”

I shook my head: “Oh, my sweet summer child. I heard that didn’t went well.”

“No, not really. But it was entertaining at least. Minerva and I laughed our asses off. But returning to you my fair lady. How was your date?”

And I told him all. How we talked on Saturday, how we went to London, how we kissed. I also mentioned my first meeting with Lucius Malfoy (Remus comments: “He’s A DICK. A literal dick. You should ask Sirius what he thinks of him.”) and about my fears that Severus might change his mind. Remus is a great person to talk to stuff like that. He doesn’t judge and I do appreciate his advice. It also made the events of the days more real now that I shared this with a trusted friend.

At some point Remus offered me some wine and asked: “So, will you ask him to go with you to the Yule Ball?”

I took the glass and thought for some minutes: “That’s like.. in a month?! I haven’t thought about it so far. I mean we’re not teenagers anymore, Remus. Do we really ‘need’ a date for this?”

“Yes, of course. Otherwise where’s the fun in that?”

“With whom will you go then?”

“Unfortunately, Tonks is in Egypt over that weekend. I asked Sirius, as I assumed you’d be unavailable.” I chuckled and he continued: “Hey, we’re best buddies, we can go to ball together dancing and having fun just like you guuuurllls. Also I’d say we’d make a very good couple if Sirius wouldn’t flirt with almost every creature on the planet. We’re both very handsome after all.” – he said not entirely serious.

“I agree wholeheartedly. Or did he just wanted to spy on me and Severus?”

“Both. Both. Both is good.”

“You goofballs. Don’t ruin my night.”

“Oh, we won’t but in exchange you have to give us a good show and take good care of our potion master." He held out his glass of wine to me and said: "But first, a toast to us both and our friendship. May we have a great winter with lots of love and joy!” And here we clinked our glasses together. I was glad to have such a good friend.


	13. But break, my heart; for I must hold my tongue.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hogwarts is busy and you don't see Severus as much as you want to. But one cold night an opportunity arises. In addition, Severus has found the perpetrator of the classroom-destruction and he's not happy about it. Remus and you are also looking forward to the Yule Ball.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, that took a while. Sorry for the delay! Originally, I wanted to include the Yule Ball scene in that chapter, too but decided against it in the end. I didn't want to rush writing that very important day in the lives of Severus and the reader ;D
> 
> I still feel very awkward writing kissing scenes and stuff. But I hope it's not too cringy.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading and your kudos! Comments always appreciated <3

The next weeks went away in a blur. There was so much work and it wasn’t exactly helping that Dumbledore had left for a business trip for three weeks. The consequence of that was that Severus and Minerva split the headmaster’s work among them. Thus, me and Severus only saw each other at the drama sessions and occasionally for lunch or dinner in our private quarters. I missed him dearly and hoped that we would see us more often again in the near future.

One day, the ghosts added additional drama into the mix. They’ve managed to break through a water line while having a secret party. We all awoke with half of our classrooms under water. Despite our magical abilities, it still took the whole day to clean up the mess and put everything in order. I returned to my quarters late, exhausted and with a nasty headache. However, insomnia decided to disrupt my need for rest and I just shuffled around uselessly on my bed. I put on my coat and went outside for a walk but it was cloudy and rather cold. Winter had made its arrival quickly and I dare say that autumn was way too short to be enjoyed. The weather only made me more depressed, so I returned inside. In that moment, I saw Severus coming out of the great hall and decided to say hello.

“Hey, Severus.” – I uttered still freezing. Maybe I can catch him for a bit longer than an hour or so this time. Severus looked elegant and handsome as always but his eyes looked tired. Despite his ever-going desire to always look cool and controlled it seemed like the last weeks of additional work had taken its toll on him, too.

His eyebrow rose when he saw me and he asked: “Still awake?”

I smiled, “Yes, but I could ask you the same question.”

“Well, Filch was bothering me with some rebelling students in the great hall.” He sighed, looked back and continued: “But it seems like our caretaker cannot tell the difference between a lost bird and human beings.” After he shifted his gaze back at me, his forehead furrowed: “You look like you’re freezing. Were you outside?”

“Yes. I couldn’t sleep but I guess the season of pleasant night-walks is over. Now, I need a fire to turn to.” – I told him, pulling my coat closer together.

Severus mouth curved into a cheeky smile when he offered me the following: “May I suggest the one in my quarters? It would be my pleasure.”

“Yes, absolutely!” – I beamed.

He looked around. We were alone and most of the students have either returned to their quarters or common rooms. He took my hand and led me to his quarters down in the Slytherin dungeons. Even though he was willing to show affections openly in London, we both somehow agreed, without talking about it, to keep it low at Hogwarts. I also didn’t feel brave enough to directly talk about it. I always dreaded being the one asking the ‘What are we?’ question. Many men have accused me of being clingy, holding naïve expectations and I hated the patronising tone in their voices. With Severus, I just followed with what worked now. I didn’t want to ruin anything. I was scared despite his assurances in the beginning that if he loved again it would only be in a serious relationship.

When we arrived at his quarters, he prepared tea and put the fire on in the fireplace with a quick spell.

“Waaaaarmm” I only uttered while taking a seat in front of the fire.

He scoffed with his signature sarcasm: “Excellent conclusion, Professor. Fire is indeed warm. Some might even argue it’s ‘hot’.” I laughed. But two can play that game, so I replied: “Wow, that’s outrageous! This is science going too far!”

He chuckled and sat next to me. I snuggled into his arm and he held me tight. This felt wonderful, just like coming home. I missed him so dearly during the last couple of weeks. By the looks of it, Severus seemed to feel the same. He was beaming, smiling and petting me softly on my shoulders and arms. It was so cosy and warm. After a while I told him: “I never thought I’d spend my evenings like this at Hogwarts. I could get used to it. Maybe I’ll even enjoy winter like that.”

“Not fan of snow and Christmas?” – he asked curiously.

“Oh, don’t get me wrong I LOVE Christmas but the cold and the dark and everything.. not so much. It’s depressing really. I like the spooky tones of autumn and Halloween but winter is.. heavy and frustrating somehow.” Thinking to myself, I often dreaded that seasonal depression also exists among wizards without a cure. In the end, I rather enjoyed a good and fine summer day than a day of heavy winter numbness. But to each his own.

He nodded. “I see your point. For me, it’s not much of a difference really. At least in winter, many students stay indoors and refrain from walking illegally on the grounds after dark. Either way…I agree, I certainly could enjoy winter.. like this.” He closed his eyes and leaned his head on mine. He seemed relaxed and happy and that meant everything to me. We talked a bit about the last weeks and how he wished Dumbledore would return soon. Apparently, Minerva is rather annoyed with the whole affair as she didn’t think his trip was necessary. After we had done enough ranting about our day, I was longing to ask something different.

“Severus?”

“Yes?”

“A while ago, you mentioned you had one or two ‘unpleasant experiences’. Would you… like to talk to me about it? I just.. I want to get to know you better and it seemed like it was important to you.”

He was quiet at first and looked up in deep thought. Then he said: “It’s difficult… for me to talk about these events. You might have noticed I’m what people call a ‘buttoned-up’ person. But don’t think I don’t want to share these memories with you. I do. Maybe I just need more time. I’m sorry.”

I took his hand and said: “It’s fine! Really. I respect and understand that. Do you want me to tell you anything we haven’t talked about before?”

He said in a cautious tone: “You mentioned your last relationship..”

“Yes right…” I pondered about how to tell the boring story. “It’s not much to say, really. He always had to have the upper hand. He looked down on me and my passions, my interests, my concerns. In the end, he showed a complete disinterest in my life. I should’ve taken this as a sign to leave but I stayed because.. well we’ve been together for so long. It can’t end that way, can it? He made me feel like I was annoying, clingy, selfish and I believed him. I thought, something must have been wrong with me. I needed to improve. But even my improvement was not enough, which basically was me trying to become his ‘perfect girl’; always doing what he wants, listening to all his problems while staying quiet on mine, being attentive and subservient. Yet, after he yelled at me in public calling me an ‘ungrateful bitch’ …I left. I couldn’t take it anymore. I know I was dumb to let all of that happen but…. I’m a very loyal person, forgiving and forgetting and all that. I’ve learned my lesson but I still have his voice in my head. The one telling me everything I do is wrong. I know it’s stupid but..I don’t know..”

Severus had listened attentively and with concern. He turned towards me and put his hand on my cheek: “It’s not. Stop putting yourself down. When you live with this for years it’s ingrained in you. He abused you emotionally and this leaves scares which take years to heal. The first step is certainly not putting yourself even lower than he did. You didn’t do this to yourself it was him.” I was close to tears after hearing this. I moved closer to Severus and kissed him. I didn’t know what to say nor how to say it but I knew I wanted to feel him. To thank him with my affections for understanding and not judging. He put his arms around me and held me close. Neither of us committed to let go of the other.

Our bliss was broken by a loud bang of the clock that signified it was indeed very late now. Slowly, the exhaustion of earlier crept back into my bones. But I didn’t want to leave, yet. I asked: “Severus, I know it’s late but somehow I don’t want to go. Can I… stay with you, here? Not for like.. necessarily having sex.. now. I’m really tired but I want to just stay with you.”

He studied my face for a while with a rather puzzling expression but then said: “I don’t want you to go either.” I went to my quarters to get some pyjamas and brush my teeth and stuff. I changed in his bathroom because it still felt awkward to change in front of him (bit silly, I know) and then went to his bedroom, which had its door wide open now. His bedroom consisted of a big double-bed with velvet green beddings, some dark-wood bookshelves and a huge dark closet. On a bedside table laid some books in a pile and a big Slytherin tapestry had been put on the wall. Severus was sitting unexpectedly shy on the bed in black long cotton pyjamas. He had tied his long hair into a ponytail. I sat next to him and gave him a tight hug. He then put his hand on my waist and after a while we started kissing again. When I lied down on my back, he leaned over me and put his elbows on each side of my torso. We kissed for a while further and I could feel the heat running up between my legs. Yet, I didn’t want to sleep with him for now and I felt like neither did he. I just enjoyed feeling him so closely, so intimately in his most private room. I ran my hands up his chest and put it underneath his shirt to feel his skin. I could feel his muscles and chest hair underneath. He was warm and his skin so soft. I felt his chest rising more rapidly and him breathing faster. He moved away from my face and started kissing my neck. When he was touching a rather sensitive spot there, I couldn’t help but moan. Getting the drift, he continued kissing me there until I laughed heartily. He leaned back and looked at me happily. We just smiled at each other for a while then he rolled to the side and held me close; then said “I highly enjoy this but we probably should catch some sleep.”

“I agree… to both. Though I don’t know if I can sleep with the amount of adrenaline you give to me.”

He chuckled before kissing me again. I turned to the right and he spooned me, kissing my back and wishing me a good night. But one last question came to my mind: “Sev, would you like to go with me to the Yule Ball? You know.. as a date together?” As I couldn’t really see him, I was quite nervous to hear no reply for some seconds. Finally, he said: “I’ve never had a date for that event. I’d be delighted to.” I beamed “Thank you, good Night, Sev” I uttered before we both feel into a peaceful sleep.

I had to schedule some more rehearsal dates this week as usual as we got closer and closer to the holidays and our final performance. We’ve been through the entire play and the students have become so much better. However, some things still needed additionally instructions and we needed more time. Sadly, that also meant that Severus couldn’t attend some of the additional rehearsals because Dumbledore was expected to come back next week the earliest. I missed his presence behind me and his occasional commenting on how to improve certain scenes.

At the moment, our leading role, played by a young Hufflepuff boy, struggled with Hamlet’s angry solitude after he promised his uncle and his mother to stay in Denmark. He didn’t understand why Hamlet wasn’t more open in direct confrontation with his uncle instead of holding his tongue. Despite him being deep in mourning, he let the king scold him about his unmanly grief. I hope I could make him understand what the reasons were and that it’s always difficult to criticise people with immense power.

On Friday evening, I received a letter from Severus telling me to come to his classroom as soon as I could. I was worried and rushed there immediately. When I entered the classroom, Severus stood leaning onto his desk looking quite troubled. He just said: “I know who it was.”

It took some time for me to get what he meant. He meant the person who destroyed my classroom. It didn’t seem like good news though…

“Who?”

“Draco Malfoy. And you can conclude yourself whose boy that is.”

“fuck…”

“Yes, indeed. I had my suspicions but no proof. However, during my potions class today, he bragged to his classmates that he’d plan another attack. Or maybe he wanted me to know and looked for my approval. I’ve talked to him and made the opposite clear. I don’t think he will go through with that particularly pathetic plan but.. there’s not much I can do.” He sighed heavily.. “I’ve talked to Lucius just now but I can’t go as harsh as I want to. I gave him detention that he likely won’t attend because Lucius will find some excuse or other to slither his way out as before. I’ve taken house points but that isn’t important to him. Lucius power as school benefactor is too big. And Albus is as uncooperative as always. He thinks it’s not worth the trouble if he hasn’t killed anyone. His absence right now doesn’t make it any better.” 

I shook my head and was shocked. I didn’t think our headmaster would push that aside so easily nor protect certain students in that way. I told Severus that Dumbledore had always supported me but I reckoned even Hogwarts needed money from those kind of benefactors.

Severus retorted harshly: “It’s not even that. It’s also the connections. Lucius is a master in manipulating everyone to his favour. The minister thinks highly of him. He respects me to a certain degree but because I’ve changed over the years and he stayed very much the same his goodwill towards me has decreased. He also finally catches the drift that he can’t manipulate me. I’ve seen through his tricks. Lucius is terribly predictably even when he thinks he is so clever. But..” and here he clenched his hands digging his nails into the desk “We can’t shut him down. We can’t throw him out of the parent’s counsel. We can’t punish his son too harshly because he’ll twist it into a conspiracy and damage our reputation with the state. Albus knows this, everyone knows this and thus we must comply. It’s the same old story and I’m so.. sick.. of.. IT.” He looked away from me and I could feel his frustration and anger despite his utmost control. I stepped closer to him but was taken back by a stern “Don’t.”

What to do now? I sincerely just wanted to hug him and somehow comfort him and said: “Severus, I can see you’re angry and frustrated. So am I. But we will just go on. We’ll prove them wrong. And now that we know who it was we can both outsmart this boy and his following. It’ll be ok. You’re everything but powerless.”

He scoffed without looking up: “That’s what you seem to believe despite it all?”

“Yes, and it’s true.”

“I can’t get him off the school. I can’t get anyone off here. No bully and swine that roams these halls will be punished. I can give detention or take house points but what does it really change for those who have power? Nothing! I’m older. I’m the teacher and yet I can’t change a goddamn thing and so many people are just looking away and.. I..” And here something made him stop his tracks and he uttered: “Please. Leave me alone for a while.”

“No.” I thought to myself that I couldn't leave him like this.

He looked surprised at my refusal and chuckled in a sad way: “I’m not asking.”

“And I’m not your student nor your slave, Severus. You are angry, rightfully so and it’s ok to show this. I want to get to know you more and I want to share the feelings you feel. It’s fine with me. You don’t have to pretend. You’re not weak in showing emotions and expressing them. You don’t need to be in control all the time. Just let me get close to you. Let’s scream and shout and be angry together and then we’ll find a solution. You are not alone anymore. I won’t look away. I’m here, please!” – and I started sobbing because I didn’t want him to feel like he can’t do these things. I didn’t want him to feel powerless or alone or useless. He is the most wonderful person and I wanted to give him and myself hope.

Severus still didn’t look at me, his long hair hid his face. I stepped towards him and hugged him tight, kissed him softly on his cheeks. I was ready to be pushed away but that didn’t happen. I felt him shaking. After a while, he put his arms around me, regaining his composure a bit, hugging me tightly. He continued to hide his face by hugging me and that was ok. I’ve never seen him that vulnerable before. He always seemed to know better, to be prepared. But here he let himself be unreasonable. And that meant the world to me.

After a while, he let go of the hug and faced me again after adjusting his hair. He looked tired, his face was wet so he might have been crying just like me. But there was a kind and loving smile on his face. He kissed me lovingly and then just whispered:“Thank you.”

We talked after this and agreed we’d continued rehearsing and preparing the play. In addition to our current security plans, we might hire some of the prefects of other houses to stand guard as they were more keen on standing up to Slytherin. Also, we talked about how we could punish Malfoy’s boy without drawing attention to us. Nothing too harsh of course. Yet, we both can definitely outsmart him. Severus seemed to have regained his usual composure, his snarkiness and sarcasm. I think all this brought us closer together and I felt like he trusted me more.

Finally, Dumbledore returned and Severus was discharged of his additional administrational tasks. It was also the week of the Yule Ball and everyone was busy thinking about dresses and dates. It’s a weird that the ball is named after Yule but takes place much earlier than the actual Yule time. No one knew why it simply wasn’t renamed. Traditions be like that.

The evening before the ball, Remus and I met up to show off our outfits and catch up on the latest gossip. He stood in front of me with a very fine and elegant brown Victorian suit, which he wore with a silk dark yellow cravat. The colour combination worked well on him though I personally wouldn’t have chosen something like that for myself. I nodded in approval and told him: “What a fine gentleman we have here! You look exquisitely handsome. Sirius will be pleased to have you as a dance partner.” Remus bowed jokingly and replied: “Thank you, thank you! Yes, he’s one lucky guy indeed. But come one, now it’s your turn!” I went into the bathroom to change into my chosen dress. It was a long, slim dress made of dark-blue silk with star constellations stitched upon it. I had a fitting blue jacket in case it gets too cold. I also wore a golden necklace with a (fake) diamond star pendant and a simple golden bracelet. What can I say? I just like stars and it’s quite fitting with the Ravenclaw theme, too. I put my hair into a chignon and put my pearl (once again fake, I’m poor) earrings in. When I came out to model for Remus he just gasped and exclaimed: “OMG our little Ravenclaw star! You look very beautiful! Severus is a lucky man.”

I turned around playfully a couple of times more and then said: “I sure hope so…. Maybe he’ll gets discouraged though when I mess up the first dance with him..”

Remus jokingly threw a lose grape in my direction: “Oh shut it! We’ve practiced so much this week. You’ll be fine! Believe me! Just look him lovingly in the eyes and he’ll forget about everything anyway.” He winked and refilled my glass of champagne. We talked for some hours more, guessing everyone’s date and exchanging stories about our classes being obsessed of finding the right partner. Remus was glad Minerva decided to give all houses dancing lessons as Severus and Flitwick continued to ignore the pleas of their students to teach them more about it. I had to admit, I was very nervous and excited for the next day..


	14. I would not wish any companion in the world but you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the day of the Yule Ball but you had a rather unpleasant night. Full of anxiety, hopes and uncertainties you follow Severus to the dancefloor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics by Taylor Swift from the song “This is me trying.” I’m obsessed with her latest album ‘Cardigan’ so I’m not sorry at all to include the lyrics here. This fic won’t be over anytime soon. Still much to work through with these two. I have to admit, I wasn’t very satisfied with chapter 13. Sometimes I tend to pack way too much of my own insecurities/anxiety and stuff in there, which might ruin the story for anyone outside. I apologise for that.
> 
> Listen to the song here to set the mood during the dance: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9bdLTPNrlEg
> 
> Thank you all for your kudos and comments!! They really make my day every single time! Thank you so much for reading!

There were no classes on a Saturday, and we’ve all been busy with our own preparations for the ball. I woke up nervous, scared and numb. I had a nightmare in which I was back in London in our old backstage area. He was there, threatening us, yelling at us, making our life hell. As a consequence, a heavy cloud hung over me. I was looking forward for this evening for weeks and now anxiety reigned my heart. In addition, I’ve found another note in my pidgeon hole with the familiar red lettering of ‘whore’. I tried to calm down with tea and did some reading in my studies, thinking to myself: “Please don’t ruin this evening. Everything is going to be fine.”

Severus had send me an owl to let me know he’d pick me up at 6. Punctual as ever, he arrived at point 6 on my doorstep. He was wearing a finer version of his usual buttoned-up jacket made of soft cord fabric. His jacket was embellished with green and golden tendrils growing all over it. He wore a finer white silk shirt underneath and his longer signature sleeves were decorated with sparkling silver buttons. All this was matched with his usual black trousers. His hair elegantly framed his face and looked fluffy and soft. A white handkerchief with a lily printed on it was put in his breast pocket. He looked at me for a moment with eyes wide open, then bowed down and kissed my hand. “My lady, you look wonderful tonight.” I chuckled and thanked him for the complimemt. He looked very handsome tonight, too. On the way to the ball, my anxiety still overcame me and I couldn’t stop shaking. He put me aside in an empty hallway to ask me how I was. I just told him I had a rough night with some nightmares and was incredibly nervous. But that I was also looking forward to the evening. He looked at me worried and then said: “It’s fine. I have to admit.. I’m nervous, too. This is the first time I’m having someone next to me. But..” and here he took up my hand and squeezed it: “It’ll be fine. I don’t care about them or their words. I just want to be here with you and we can go whenever you like.” I nodded and smiled.

Usually teachers who are not head of houses do not stand in the first row when the opening dance is undergoing. Unless of course they are the chosen dance partners. Thus, I stood in the front with Severus as I was his official +1 (though I was invited individually as every staff member). Next to us stood Dumbledore who held hands with McGonagall, Flitwick who, as I was told, usually chose his wife but she was unable to make it this time, so he went with his friend Madame Pomfrey instead. Sprout had brought her tall red-haired girlfriend named Chloe. While we watched the head boys and girls dance, I could feel the eyes on me and Severus. He held my hand tightly but looked as aloof, desinterested and confident as always. I looked around and caught Remus sitting on one of the tables behind me smiling and winking at me. Sirius sat next to him in a dashing red velvet suit. He had put his hand on Remus shoulder and the other in front of his mouth, clearly hiding his laughter. I jokingly rolled my eyes when I saw him and waved.

After the head prefects had their chance to dance alone, the headteachers would be next to join. Remus told me that Severus had never joined in the dancing before and usually left quite early. This time it was different. He led me to the dancefloor and I almost tripped over my own feet because I was so nervous. But he was a marvellous dancer. Despite Remus’s training in the days before the ball, I was dead focused on not making any missteps. Severus though led brilliantly and thus it turned out ok. I think at least. He looked so satisfied and I forgot everything and everyone else in the room including my own anxiety for a while.

After the opening dance was over and the music changed into something faster and more casual, we returned to the tables reserved for the staff. Remus and Sirius came over our way. Remus was the first to talk: “Hello Severus, I didn’t know you could dance so well. That was a great performance. I could learn a thing or two from you.” Severus replied rather dismissively but polite: “Thank you, Professor Lupin.” And then… said nothing else. Silence. You could feel the tension in the air. To break the ice a bit, I said: “I hope I’ll see you two on the dancefloor soon. How are you, Sirius?” Sirius replied, after giving me a hand kiss while looking rather cheekily at Severus: “Oh, my lady, I’m doing very well tonight. And just you wait. Me and Remus have plans to dance all night and it will certainly be a show worth watching.” - he winked. He then turned towards Severus with the utmost politeness and a sarcastic little bow: “Hello to you, too Professor Snape! We haven’t seen each other for a long time. I’m glad to see you are well.” Despite these relatively harmless words you could tell he was enjoying this in a way he shouldn’t. Severus looked unimpressed with an elevated eyebrow on Sirius. He replied rather cold with a slight hint of sarcasm: “Hello Mr Black. Yes, I am. What a surprise to see you’re honouring Hogwarts with your presence once again.” “Well Sni.. “ and here Remus punched his elbow into Sirius side. “Professor Snape, someone has to take care of Remus as long as his girlfriend is gone. He isn’t exactly my type, but I volunteered to keep this scruffy professor safe.” And here he patted demonstratively Remus’s shoulder. Remus looked back at him with a very puzzling expression but then took him by the hand and said “We probably should get to the dancefloor now. Come on, Sirius.” Both waved at us and then moved towards the dancefloor.

I turned to Severus: “Well that was.. something. Sirius really tried. Why do you hate each other so much again? Remus just told me that Sirius was quite the troublemaker and you both didn’t get along at all back in school.”

Severus mouth frowned before he dismissively replied: “Long story not worth telling. But yes, I agree he was a troublemaker, always willing to put others down that he didn’t like. James Potter and he were a horrible combination that endangered the life of others. I see he hasn’t changed much, though he apparently can be polite now if he needs to… with a little help. But to change the topic: Who is Remus girlfriend?”

“ It’s Nymphadora Tonks. Do you know her?”

He nodded: “Yes, briefly. Smart girl but always seemed to be with her head somehwere else and very clumsy. Remus was always the most responsible one of the infamous Golden Trio. Guess, she is a good fit. In the end, we all got older. She might have changed.”

“She is really nice. They’re a wonderful couple.”

Severus looked absentmindedly around: “Indeed. Would you like something to drink?”. We both got some wine from the bar and sat at one of the tables in the back. It was quite empty. Most staff were either on the dancefloor or standing around it to watch the others. The bar was also rather crowded. Severus put his arm around me, and we were watching the dancing crowd. I felt a bit better now that the official dance was over. Some people continued to stare at us and then whispered in hushed tones. It made me feel uneasy but at the same time kinda proud. Though, I wanted to finally clear something up no matter how much I dreaded the question. I asked with a shaking voice: “Severus. Are we.. are we a couple?”

He looked at me like I’ve just declared that I was a lizard and the earth was flat: “What kind of question is this?” - he blured out. “I assumed that would’ve been the case for a while. I’m surprised you still saw this as an open question.”

Ouch…..damn me. “I mean, yes? I don’t know... You were so open in London but here. Obviously, we shouldn’t be all lovey dovey in front of everyone all the time but I thought you wanted to keep it a secret here. Either because you weren’t sure or because you were ashamed or something. Of course, now that we danced together and we’re here as a couple for everyone to see it’s more clear but.." I sighed..."Ok, I don’t know why I thought.. ugh.”

He drew in a long breath before saying: “You’re right but I wanted to wait until you act on your accounts. I don’t have problems showing affections here. But you seemed hesitant about it and maybe you’re not the type for that stuff. Yet, I’ve always seen us as a couple. I didn’t think we had to officially declare it somehow.”

“I’m sorry.. you know how I am.”

“Yes, I know. And that’s fine. Even though it doesn’t have to be said out loud, I say it now: I want to be in a serious relationship with you right now.”

I could feel how my cheeks turned pink and said in a hushed voice: “I do, too.” And then he leaned towards me and kissed me in front of everyone to see. I could hear more murmurs around us. But I didn’t care, and I think Severus did neither.

Remus and Sirius indeed put on quite a show on. Sirius was an absolute show off and danced like a professional pop background dancer at times but Remus was not far behind. It was clear that Sirius had learned how to dance to impress whoever he wanted at that moment. I could see how that works out though his occasional awkward breakdance moves are a bit too much at times. The rest of the staff were equally impressive. Dumbledore danced like a 13 year old in a tik tok video and the students loved it. I’ve never seen a 130 year old dancing that passionately while staying cool with the kids. I also joined them on the dancefloor at times and once sang loudly along Queen’s Bohemian Rapsody with Minerva, Sprout and Chloe. It was a lot of fun. At one point, the students of my drama group invited me to their little circle to sing along some songs. Severus stayed behind for most of the evening though he did talk with Flitwick and Albus. Every time I looked towards him, he smiled though. When I returned to him, he said:“It’s a marvel to see you dance.”

I blushed but then replied: “Why don’t you try it then sometimes? I’m sure you’d have fun.”

He cackled: “I don’t think anyone wants to see me on the dancefloor being silly. I’m not the type. Bats don’t dance after all.”

A slow song came on and the dancefloor organised itself in couples intimately intertwined. Suddenly, Severus stood up and offered me his arm: “But I think, I could make an exception with this song.”

I was beaming and we went to the dancefloor. The song felt like soft snow falling and the lyrics wrapped us in like a warm blanket:

_“I've been having a hard time adjusting.  
I had the shiniest wheels, now they're rusting[...]  
Pulled the car off the road to the lookout.  
Could've followed my fears all the way down.”_

Many thoughts ran through my head. I often was incapable of focusing on the moment. I still had to prove myself and my position at Hogwarts. The thing was the play. Would anyone notice if I had to go? Did I change anything in the few months I was here? And why do I still feel haunted and chased by all these old prejudices. I felt so battered and wounded.

_“And maybe I don’t quite know what to say.  
But I’m here in your doorway.”_

I never thought I’d find someone like Severus here. That I’d tried to love again at all. But there was still so much that lingered in my heart and mind. My life is far from perfect. I had to fix my sleeping schedule, to fix my fears and insecurities, to battle whatever is happening here. Why does he like me when he usually demands perfection from anyone around him? I still couldn’t explain that. But I knew I’d try my best to keep him, to make him happy, to hold him. My thoughts returned to his gaze. I was dancing with the most beautiful man at this school. My head on his shoulder, his hand on my waist, his breath in my ear. Still, I was scared, and I didn’t know why. 

_“They told me all of my cages were mental.  
So I got wasted like all my potential.  
And my words shoot to kill when I'm mad.  
I have a lot of regrets about that.”_

I thought about why I left London. Why, my life went like it did. There was so much he didn’t know about what happened to me, about what I did to others. About who I had been. But was this really important? On the other hand, he admitted he hadn’t told me much about his past either. Will this all last? He was like an enigma wrapped up in a riddle but at the same time… I felt like we were bound with an invisible string.

_“I was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere.  
Fell behind all my classmates and I ended up here,  
pouring out my heart to a stranger  
But I didn't pour the whiskey.”_

Once everything looked different. I was so full of passion, dreams and hopes. But they had been crushed up to the moment that I came here, defeated but hopeful to escape everything. Yet, I was wrong in thinking that nothing would happen. I remembered the first time I broke down and how Severus sat next to me. The first time he was truly kind despite my childishness, my broken memories. The first time, I saw my scares clearly and recognised his presence as my medicine.

 _“And it's hard to be at a party when I feel like an open wound._  
_It's hard to be anywhere these days when all I want is you._  
_You're a flashback in a film reel on the one screen in my town_ ”

The nightmare last night had hit me hard, made me remember things I’d rather forget. Yet, I’ve never been happier than in this moment. I looked at Severus, gazed into his black eyes and wanted to lose myself in him, to never think again. To drown in his eyes forever. His face was full of kindness and love. He was exactly how I always imagined love could and should be when I was a teenager dreaming. This realisation scared me at the same time. In that moment, he moved closer and kissed me in the middle of the dancefloor under the dim purple lights with the mirrorball above us. I melted in his embrace. He tasted like wine and daylight and a warming fire.

_“I just wanted you to know that this is me trying”_

And that’s all I wanted and all I’d ever do. Trying to make this work. Trying to create something from the broken shards of my life. I wanted to melt them down and start anew with you.

When the song ended, we went outside the hall. His hand in mine, he was beaming and even with his usual aloofness and control he couldn’t hide the fact that he was happy. And I was happy to see him that way. Though I couldn’t quite believe I was the reason behind it. To hold such a treasure and call it mine feels unreal. We stood on the balcony for a moment, looking at the Hogwarts grounds from above. His arm was wrapped around my shoulder and he seemed to hum along to the song we heard from inside.

I looked at him and said: “Never seen you this chippy before. I could get used to it.”

“Mhh..” he replied. “Yes, I can’t imagine why. Must be the wine. Or..”

And here he put his hand on my chin, closed the distance between us and said with a cheeky smile: “A certain nymph has enchanted me.”

I laughed: “Didn’t know anyone could do that to the famous master of potions and the dark arts.”

“Well, IT IS certainly possible but only when I want it to.”

“Then I feel honoured.” - I exclaimed and followed him back inside as it got quite cold.

Most of the staff had retreated to their sleeping quarters by now as it was very late. Even Sirius and Remus sat happy but exhausted on a couch deep in conversation about something. Small groups of students were on the dancefloor talking, dancing or just watching the DJ doing his thing.

Severus suggested the following: “What do you think about retreating to my quarters? I think we have served an appropriate time of duty at this party.” I agreed. I also felt the tiredness in my bones and I longed to be alone with him.


	15. A tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Severus spent an intimate night together and he seems to open up to you more and more. The morning comes with a rude awakening and you can't hide your frustration with Dumbledore anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took AGES. I’m so so sorry. Partly, because life is.. strange. Also due to my complete inability to write anything smut related. Sorry for the cringe in advance. There’s also fluff in there. And angst. Basically, a full package.
> 
> As always, thank you so much for reading, for your kudos and comments! :3 Comments are always appreciated.

We went through the empty hallways, down the staircases to the dungeons. When we stepped into his office, he locked the door behind us and led me to the fire. I sat on the couch after I had hung my jacket to a nearby hanger and put off my high heels. I could see that Severus carefully removed the handkerchief with the lily, looked at in thought for some moments and then put it on a small table near the couch, before going to the kitchen to get some tea. He came back, offered me a cup and then sat beside me. He was still smiling while putting his arm around me. I felt so warm and glowing with love and happiness. I sighed happily and put my hand on his knee. I asked him: “That handkerchief is pretty. Why a lily though? I know they are flowers of purity and virtue but seems very specific.”

His eyebrows furrowed and he drew in a long breath before saying: “…I bought it on a wimp many years ago. As a reminder.”

“Of what?” Wait, maybe I shouldn’t pry into this….I quickly added: ”You don’t have to tell me further. Just...”

He interjected: “No, it’s fine. Remus didn’t tell you anything about Lily Evans then?” I shook my head. “She was.. IS James Potter’s wife and I’m sure you’ve heard that name before.” – he said with a rather dismissive undertone.

“Yes, I think I’ve seen a picture of him in the Daily Prophet at some point because he was promoted or something? He was the guy who defeated Voldemort. I think Remus and Sirius are also friends of him. He lives in the US, doesn’t he?”

Severus nodded weakly: “I think so, yes. Lily and I.. We’ve been childhood friends, neighbours in a way. Went to Hogwarts together. I… liked her… a lot. She broke contact at some point. She was justified in doing that. I was an idiot but it still hurts.”

I think I’ve started to understand..in the end I commented “We all were idiots when we were young.”

“Maybe but I called her a terrible slur and I shouldn’t. Especially, because she was trying to help me when her precious future husband and a certain Mr. Black had me hanging from my ankles in the air.”

Oh Sirius… what an idiotic bully you’ve been. I only replied: “Ouch….you didn’t deserve that.”

“Maybe I did. Maybe I didn’t but it’s not like anyone but her cared. It doesn’t matter now. I know I did wrong. I know I was at fault. She never spoke another word to me after that and it’s fine. It’s long over now. I bought it to remind me of not doing that mistake again. But I don’t think I need that reminder anymore. At least, I hope so.”

“What.. slur was it?”

“You know.. mudblood, which in retrospective was pretty stupid. Thinking about the fact that I’m a half-blood myself.” - he said with a tired smile.

I gasped: “The head of Slytherin a half-blood?! Wow Salazar must turn in his grave.” I chuckled. “The person obsessed with pure-blood ideology has someone so brilliant and beautiful as a leader, who isn’t fulfilling his first requirement of ‘good’ wizards.” I kissed him on the cheek.

He smiled again,“That’s a secret though. Don’t tell my students.”

“But you’re the change they might need. So never tell me you’re useless again. And we’ve all said things that in retrospect were… shit. Like really shitty. We regret and learn from them. Some people forgive us and see our growth.. others don’t. In the end she married a bully so I guess she changed together with him, too. It’s sad she didn’t give you another chance though.”

Sadness cloudes his features: “I think I was always difficult to handle, especially back in those days. It was difficult to fit in a house that was full of rich and arrogant purebloods. But yes, you’re right. We’ve all changed, I hope. That’s the difference. In the end, it’s ok.. I think. I don’t look for her anymore, haven’t for years.” He exhaled and pulled me closer to me before adding cheekily: “I have to disagree with one point though, I don’t think Salazar would be particularly interested in the looks of his followers.”

I puffed: “Hello?! Have you seen his portrait?! He was certainly obsessed with his own looks. That cloak is extremely fancy and his pose so over the top.”

Severus laughed and I was relieved to see him happy again. Though, I had the desire to be closer to him now, to do more. With an unexpected rush of bravery, I saddled him on the couch. His eyes widened with surprised. I started to kiss him, softly at first but then more passionately. I could feel his hands wandering over my knees and thighs up to my back. I also wandered with my kisses to his neck until I could feel his hands tightening on my dress and an ever so quite moan escape from his lips. I liked hearing the ever so tight and controlled professor in a weaker position. But before I could expand on this new experience, he flipped me on my back in a swift movement and positioned himself between my legs regaining control. Unfortunately, the couch was a bit too short for that and we had to take care not to fall to the floor. He laughed and smiled, his face over mine, his long black hair falling softly around me. He said: “I think, we should continue this in a more comfortable environment.” I nodded, and to my surprise he carried me up in his arms like a bride to the bedroom. He cautiously laid me on the bed, continued his position from before and started kissing me passionately. I was completely lost. He smelled so nice and I loved feeling his weight on me, his hips on mine, his hands that slowly wandered down my sides. At some point my dress really started to bother me though. I couldn’t reach the zipper on the back like this nor was my wand in close proximity. So, I whispered: “My dress... Could you..”

“I understand.” He said and got to the side. I sat up and he helped me out of the dress by pulling the zipper down. I rather awkwardly moved out of it and he started kissing me on my neck and shoulders and I melted. He put his arms around me and tightly pulled me to his chest. “Oh, Severus – what are you doing with me?” I said softly with a shaking voice. He replied by whispering in my ears: “Let me worship you, darling.” And his hands wandered down to my bra, unlocking it, while getting rid of his shirt and pants. He leaned over me and I took a good look at him. He was mesmerising. I could see some scars on his hips and chest and made a mental note of asking him about them later but for the moment… I was enchanted and just drowned in his eyes. He looked like he felt the same before diving into another series of deep kisses. I could feel his hands on my chest, exploring, sending shivers to my core. His kisses wandering down and down, until he kissed the inside of my thighs, looking at me for consent. I nodded and he made me truly feel worshipped with his tongue and fingers until I fell apart. But I wanted more. He moved up to my mouth again to kiss me, removed his underpants and mine before lying on me. He gave a last questioning look before I confirmed again and then pushed deep. I could hear him panting, moaning quietly, a deep and holy sound in my ear, while he moved inside of me and my mind went blank with passion. Everything was just feeling, a fire moving between us until we both reached the peak.

Sweating and panting we laid in the darkness. I put my head on his naked chest and he ran his fingers through my hair before saying: “I…. sorry.. I feel like I can’t speak properly right now but.. shower maybe?” I answered with a heartily yes.

His bathroom was painted green and black and the walls were windows looking unto the Hogwarts lake. It felt like being under water as fish and other creatures swam by. Severus explained to me that the walls are not see through from the other side. He admitted, it’s weird at the beginning to get used to it. It was kinda cool though. Like showering in the sea. We went under the shower and the warm water felt fantastic. He pulled me close to him again and kissed me caringly.

When we went back to bed we just cuddled and I laid my head on his chest, hearing his heartbeat while he ran his fingers through my hair. After he sighed contentedly, he whispered: “I’ve never had such a pleasant Yule Ball night. Usually I leave the ball room early, punish some student couples who hide outside to do their frivolous activities and then go to bed early.”

“Oh, these nasty students” I laughed: “But yes, I agree. Thank you for the wonderful evening.” He kissed me again and after we talked for a little bit further we both fell into a peaceful sleep.

The next morning, I felt myself rather reluctant to do anything. In the end, most staff and students would probably sleep out their hangover, so this Saturday was intentionally left without events. Severus seemed to feel the same. He woke up earlier than I did but brought the breakfast on a big dinner tray to bed. He was very cute, sitting in his pyjamas with legs crossed on his bed, eating a croissant carefully over his plate. I took a sip from my orange juice and said: “I somehow didn't see you as the type to eat breakfast in bed.”

He smirked and scoffed: “Oh, what should I do then? Sitting on the fully set table, smoking a pipe and reading the newspaper every morning?”

“Would be very stylish indeed.”

“No. As reserved as I am, I rather don’t have breakfast at all or like that really. My family didn’t have a breakfast tradition anyway. I was glad to get a slice of toast on the way out on some days.”

“I’m sorry to hear that… though I often don’t have breakfast, too. I’m very bad in getting out of bed. It was different during my childhood though. My parents insisted on the morning ritual. I’m sorry to hear you that you didn't Is that the reason why you don’t talk much about your family?”

His expression dulled while he replied: “My parents were poor, my father was an incompetent and very angry fool. My mother suffered much. There is not much to say. It’s a boring story.” He shrugged. I told him that, independent of that, it’s part of him and I wanted to know if he wants to share. He told me afterwards that they died a couple of years ago and I said my condolences. He replied sharply: “Don’t be. It was probably the best for both of them. Though I’d wished I could have told my father what an asshole he is. I’ll never forget what he did to my mother in his rage.” I didn’t want to press further but it was certainly good to see him opening up bit after bit. He looked thoughtfully towards the ceiling.

A bell rang and disrupted our peace. Severus went to the door and told me to stay in the bedroom. He put on a morning gown and left. I could hear Filch speaking through the door: “I can’t find her. Her room is destroyed and Dumbledore sent me to you. Do you know where she is?”

Severus replied cold and distant:“...I do. Go to Dumbledore, we all meet up in his office.”

Severus explained to me that there was another break in. This time not in my classroom but my office. They were unable to break the spell protecting my private quarters but my office was turned upside down. Books destroyed, desk in half.. it was a sight. When I was standing in the middle of my destroyed office surrounded by Filch, Albus, Minerva, Sprout and Flitwick, I couldn’t hold in my anger anymore: “How did they even come here?! I thought Hogwarts was so protected?! You promised me that it wouldn’t happen again?!” I yelled in anger. I was frustrated and unreasonable and frankly, I didn’t care.

Dumbledore said in an overly calming tone, which kinda annoyed me: “They must have help from the Ravenclaw house” – here Flitwick looked to the floor ashamed – “The portrait hasn’t reported anyone not being a student of her house coming in but there are ways to conceal oneself. At least the protection on your private quarters worked. Of course, there is also a possibility that they didn’t want to go that far just to intimidate someone.” The headmaster got closer to me, grapped my shoulders in a comforting gesture before saying: “I’m sorry that happened. I truly am. I promise you we’ll find a solution and a punishment for the perpetrators. But if they were only students. they must have some help from someone who knows how to get around these spells. This isn’t taught at Hogwarts.”

I was devastated: “So, what?! It doesn’t matter! We knew who it was that did this to my classroom. What will you do now, headmaster? This has to end!”

“I know” – he said. “I’ll do my best. I’ll talk to him personally. To son and father. I’m sorry.” – he said sadly and turned away from me. That wasn’t as satisfying for me as it should be. I was disappointed and still angry. Minerva interjected before I could say more: “I don’t feel good with you returning to your quarters, darling. Maybe you should stay somewhere else for the time being. I wouldn’t feel safe knowing that someone was so close to my bed. Albus, you really have to consider that this was a direct attack on all of us. Please.” She petted my shoulders and looked at me with a pleading half-smile. I couldn’t be mad at her and she was right. I’d feel unsafe sleeping here for the time being.

“She stays with me.” – Severus interrupted sharply. Everyone looked at him and didn’t dare to challenge him on that proposition.

“Very well, Severus” – Dumbledore replied before adding “Under the proposition that Professor [y/n] wants that, too.” I nodded “yes, that’s fine with me. Thank you, Severus. I’m sure they won’t dare to break into your office.”

“And if they do, they’ll see what messing with me really means this time”, Severus said while looking closely at Dumbledore.


	16. And, most dear actors, eat no onions or garlic, for we are to utter sweet breath;

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A destroyed office leads to some kind of conciliation between two men who have much shared history. Also reader is in pain and needs some urgent help and distraction from the events that have unfolded. Her lover is more than willing to supply that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, that’s basically shameless (ok tbh rather shameful) self-insertion for comfort. So, expect FLUFF overload with all those happy, idealistic scenes because I needed them. We’ll also return soon to the theatre stage, so don’t worry. The play is still the thing ;D
> 
> Thank you for reading all of this, for your kudos and your comments!!! <3

Remus came running in shortly after. He complained loudly to Dumbledore, who was already in the doorway out, why he hadn’t been called in sooner (turned out he knew something was up from a Ravenclaw student he met in the hallway). Dumbledore simply replied coldly that it was a matter for the headteachers first before he left without saying a word more. Remus hugged me tightly and then joined Severus to analyse the mess and find out any clues about who it was and how they could break in. I stood helplessly next to Minerva who had put her arm around me and petted my hand as if to say, “Everything will be fine.” I appreciated her sentiment but at this point I was more angry than sad. Flitwick joined us and apologised for something he clearly isn't responsible for but I appreciated the sentiment. I sat down with Minerva and him and she quickly let three teacups appear for us to calm down. I watched Severus and Remus work silently next to each other for a while. They talked quietly about something they’ve found, and Severus was about to leave, his face cold and stern. But before the potion master was out of the door Remus walked after him yelling “Severus, wait!” Sev reluctantly turned around, looking rather annoyed pursing his lips. Then Remus spoke slowly: “Severus.. we haven’t been on the best terms. Rightly so. I turned my eyes away too often when I should’ve interfered and I mocked you enough. I'm sorry about that... but…” and here Remus played nervously with his hands: “I just want to tell you that I’m thankful that you take care of [y/n] and that you two are together. My skills in the dark arts are nowhere near your abilities but if I can help you in any way I want to offer you my services. Not only as a colleague but as a friend or at least someone who is definitely on your side this time.”

Severus glanced at Remus with his usual mixture of despise, annoyance and disinterest. However, after some moments of awkward silence (in which they’ve gained the attention of the entire room including Minerva who dramatically sipped her tea) Severus let out a harsh breath and replied sharply: “I think [y/n] is perfectly capable of taking care of herself. She doesn’t need me.” As weird as that sounds, I was actually flattered by this. “However..” he paused dramatically while moving closer to Remus and his features turned softer, “I appreciate you being apologetic to me when you also have no reason to.” Remus looked surprised. Severus continued: “You know, I’d work with you on this independent of our past, as I did before.” Remus nodded weakly. Yet..” and here Severus held out his hand “I’m.. thankful for your help.” Remus' mouth curved into a smile and they both shook hands. Minerva grinned while shaking her head, before whispering to me: “Oh, these silly boys. Look at them finally talking like adults to each other.” Severus left the room to report back to Albus and Remus went up to us saying: “Minerva, do you have a cup of tea left for me by any chance? I really could use one right now that was nerve-wracking..”

It was kinda nice. After a short and prolonged tea break, we picked up the pieces and restored order to my office as much as we could. To say I was tired afterwards was a massive understatement. I thanked everyone in the room but expressed my wish to just lay down for a bit. I could see they were worried, but Minerva accompanied me to Severus quarters after catching some stuff from my rooms. Alone in his bedroom, I simply let myself fall on the bed, fully dressed. I was too tired, and everything felt heavy. I fell asleep in mere seconds and had a dead slumber without dreams.

I woke up in the dim-light of evening. Next to me, I felt a weight shifting. It was Severus, who lay next to me in his white shirt and trousers without his jacket and shoes, just sitting in bed reading a book. One hand was in my hair, absentmindedly playing with it. I sighed and moved closer to him, laying my head on his thighs. He looked surprised and put his book away, looking at me with sad eyes, pulling his hand closer around me.

He whispered in his deep baritone: “I hope I didn’t wake you up. I tried to be as quite as possible.”

I shook my head: “No, it’s fine. How long was I off?”

“Couple of hours. Don’t worry about it. It’s the weekend after all despite such an unpleasant morning.”

“Any developments?”

“This time, Remus and I were successful in finding the specific wand magic. There is no doubt it was.. from a certain boy, his friends and one other person we couldn’t identify, which is worrying. However, we still don’t know how he was successful in breaking Hogwarts security. This spell is very rare and to be honest, I doubt Lucius knows of it. He’s a powerful wizard but more focused on style, looks and little power games than actual craftmanship.”

“I reckoned that.." I closed my eyes for a bit just feeling his arm around my shoulder, his warm thigh below me, his hands playing with my hair but then said: "I’ve overheard what Remus said to you. I appreciate you both.... making amends in a way?”

He scoffed: “Of course, you heard it if you take into account that he did that in front of you three sipping tea like a bored group of old witches at the theatre.” I chuckled before he continued: “But yes.. that’s a good thing, I hope. I know how close you both are.”

I pulled myself up and hugged Severus tightly. I couldn’t ignore that I was still in pain and felt wounded somehow. I just buried my head in his chest. I could feel my eyes welling up but I fought against it. There was just pain and exhaustion everywhere, spilling out, numbing me and I didn’t think it was just connected to what had happened this morning. Why did I feel like that.. despite people caring about me, despite this wonderful last night, I just… couldn’t shake it off.

Severus held me tightly in his arms, squeezed back as if he could feel my pain. He laid his head on mine without saying a word. I wasn’t sure if it was embarrassing him. I just hoped it wasn't. After a couple of moments however, he whispered: “It’s ok. Everything is going to be fine. I’m right here. We’ll make it all work.” And with those words my tears fell. I felt embarrassed to cry onto his clothes, to behave like a small child but I just couldn’t stop. And he just continued to held me tightly. I smelled his heavy perfume, felt his warmth and soft clothes on my skin. I wanted to stay like this forever, embraced by him. He took some of the pain for me, silent and strong. The outside world vanished for those rare minutes and I only looked up when my tears had dried.

His black eyes looked at me with deep sorrow. I muttered an apology but he shook his head and interrupted me by putting his hand on my cheek, leaning in close to kiss me. It was a soft and comforting kiss, no passion or desire just love, loyalty and understanding. It conveyed all I needed to know, despite none of us actually saying it out loud.

I continued to cling on him like a baby monkey and it’s weird that a man so cold and dismissive on the outside was more than willing to endure this. It seemed like he understood what was happening and knew what to do. I’ve never had that before.

After a while he said: “Would you like to eat something?”

“Absolutely”

We went together to the Hogwarts kitchen to, what I thought, get some ready cooked meals but instead Severus picked up a variety of ingredients but not before handing me a piece of baguette and some other things to hold. When he saw my confused face, he smirked and scoffed: “Come on, now. I can cook and it’ll taste better that way. I promise it'll be worth it.”

Back in his quarters we went to his kitchen and he pointed to his couch and ordered me to stay there and rest, throwing a green wool blanket over me. I wasn’t entirely satisfied with that though and whined: “Nooooooo I wanna help or at least watch, please?”

He laughed dismissively and rolled his eyes: “No, you should rest. I only brought you to the kitchen because I needed someone to carry the groceries and I thought a bit of movement would be beneficial for you. But now rest.”

“PLEAAASSSEE” I whined louder.

He sighed and shook his head (he was hiding a smile though) before uttering “Fine.”I clapped and followed him to the kitchen. Suddenly I felt much better and was eager to see the potion master cooking. He handed me an apron (he had put one on some minutes ago and damn this man can even make a chef outfit look nice) and I asked: “Ok, what can I do?”

He replied sarcastically: “What about cutting the vegetables.. carefully without injuring yourself?” I happily took on my new task.

After a while I said: “I didn’t know you could cook and you’re not using a lot of magic don’t you? That’s so.. traditional muggle.. ish.”

“I AM a half-blood after all. And I like it that way. It’s very similar to potion making and I believe it just tastes better. I know that’s probably just a psychological illusion but my point stands. Nothing against our kitchen, the elves do a marvellous job. I just think wizards are often too lazy and comfortable and I hate every single one of them all equally in that regard.” He smirked cheekily.

We both went on in the kitchen for a bit. He telling me how I could help while taking over the more difficult cooking tasks (and I was glad for it because my cooking skills were mediocre at best). In the end, we both ate at the dinner table and it was indeed delicious. The act of cooking also took my mind off all the things and feelings from before. I then realised that might have been entirely intentional on Severus' part. It felt so simple and peaceful. We talked about food, our classes, and the horrible dishes of the wizard world. I slowly felt the exhaustion crawling back into my bones, but it was different now. It was a happy content tiredness. I said a soft:“Thank you Sev.”

He was still nibbling on a piece of bread and pretended to be entirely clueless: “For what?”

“Shut up, don’t act as if you didn’t know. For all of this. I know you did it to distract me from whatever I was today. It means a lot to me”

He nodded but sighed and rested his head on his hands: “Yes.. but if you think this was just a distraction for you, I have to disappoint you. I had a small fight with our dearest headmaster earlier today.”

“I’m sorry.”

He shook his head: “No, it was necessary, and I hope he listens now. We’ve known each other for so long and fight often but he… he realised that something has to change. Maybe for the first time. I mean, one can hope in the end.” Severus smiled weakly. I went over to him to hug him. I rubbed his shoulders a bit and then said: “Well, but we certainly don’t do the dishes muggle way do we?”

“Of course not.” He scoffed, turning towards me, pulling my face closer to his and ultimately drawing me into a long kiss.


	17. The prince of darkness is a gentleman.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucious Malfoy threatens our protagonist. Dumbledore's choice of a slow and diplomatic solution frustrates everyone around him. Severus grows distant and our protagonist has to do something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter and very belated. Terribly sorry about that. My mental state has been catastrophic to say the least and many bad news have reached me over the course of the last weeks. I also think that this chapter is not necessarily good but i wanted to put something out there again.
> 
> However, I've written many scenes for future chapters, so I'm mostly dealing with the in-betweens now. I hope I can keep my two week schedule again.

Almost three more or less peaceful weeks later, I was walking down the hallway in the early afternoon. Suddenly, I was pushed violently from behind into an empty classroom. I landed on top of a desk and hit my head hard on the old wood. After the pain subsided a bit, I quickly reached out to my wand in my pocket and tried to find out what the hell has happened. However, before I could do anything, it was pushed magically out of my hands. I realised I couldn’t move nor speak and looked up to see whoever was responsible for this bad joke. I saw long blond hair and cold blue eyes looking contempuously at me. Lucius Malfoy stood there, his wand now pushed daringly into my neck. It was hopeless though to break his spells and I hated myself for not being able to cast wandless magic better. Lucius took some steps back and finally spoke with a disgusting grin on his face:

“So easy to overcome. I could kill you here and no one would notice until class returns in the morning. Hogwarts is indeed everything but a safe place for students.” I tried to say anything but no sound would come out. Malfoy shook his head and continued : “Tut-tut. Come on now, we can have a civil conversation but I need your word that you won’t alarm anyone with useless and hysteric screaming. I just want to talk. If you scream, I’ll only make it worse. I wouldn’t try, if I were you.” With this, he stepped slightly closer, pointing his wand at my face and I could feel how I was able to talk again. Despite my fear and urge to kick his face in, I said somewhat calmly: “You know, if you just wanted to talk, you could’ve just go to my office you know.. like A NORMAL PERSON.”

He chuckled amused: “Oh, where would be the fun in that? Also I’m everything but a normal person and you really need to learn how to defend yourself better, sweetie.”

“I’m not your..”

“Oh whatever.” - he interrupted me aloofly with a flick of his hand before saying: “Listen, I know you dislike my son expressing his… dissatisfaction with your classes but really he’s doing Hogwarts a favour. This place could live up to its name when it wouldn’t be led by an incompetent fool. You are just one of the last straws lost before this place will lose any respect. But my son needs his education and he only wants the best. Sadly the presence of a whoresome plays will distract him from that because you trash the whole place even more. I'm sure most of the school committee will be on my side. Why can’t you just go? I don’t think your play will be watched or enjoyed by anyone.”

“That’s for me to decide, Mr. Malfoy.”

“Oh, I don’t think so. I was called to Albus Dumbledore office today and you accuse me of things that a gentleman like me obviously would never do. And that includes my son. Of course, there isn’t any truth to your attempt of smirching my flawless reputation. But…” and with this he stepped in way too close, hovering over me and pointing his wand at my face again. “I have the means to get what I want. Don’t try to say a word against me or my son ever again or I’ll remind you of your place in the wizard world.” And with this he smacked me with the other part of his cane in my face, rushed out of the room and undid his magic. I sunk to the floor, in shock for some minutes before I started crying silently. I actually hoped that no one else would enter this classroom because I was scared and useless and didn’t know what to do. I felt a bit of blood on my cheek. Suddenly, I could feel a ghost flying over me.

“Oh, no! Ms [y/n] why are you crying? You’re bleeding, my lady?!” the Bloody Baron said. “Should I get help? I get help.”

“NO! Wait.. it’s fine. I can walk. Please just.. I’m better.” I got myself together and left the classroom. It was evening already. I realised I had only about five minutes until my drama class starts. Usually, I was in the classroom about an hour earlier to prepare, I would certainly be missed. What to do.. guess I just have to be strong and go on. I made myself somehow presentable in a nearby bathroom mirror and went my way.

I walked slowly upstairs but was still shaking. Then I heard a voice from the other end of the stairs.

“[y/n] I looked everywhere for you.” – Severus walked down the stairs and put his hands on my shoulders looking more worried than ever. “What… what happened?”

“I.. it’s fine. I can tell you later.”

“I don’t think so.”

“The students..”

“They can wait. I told them to rehearse on their own anyway already.” He said sternly. “You come with me… please.”

I took his hand and we went to his potion classroom. He looked really worried and scared and wouldn’t let go of me. I told him everything, reluctantly. But the more I said the angrier I got. I was physically abused and attacked with magic and yet, I didn’t think that anything would change. That this school would protect me. It’s depressing and frustrating. For a while Severus just stood beside me, holding my hand tightly but I could feel his anger. After a while of silence he just said:

“Go to your class and cancel the session. We’ll meet at Dumbledore’s office.”

When I entered Dumbledore’s office, Severus was already there, hovering over the headmaster’s desk loudly arguing:

“She was attacked and threatened! How can you not see that Malfoy has to be punished or at least expelled from the school committee? How is that something you just accept?”

“I do not accept anything, Severus. I simply think we should do that more tactically. I have a plan and Malfoy will get what he deserves in a world that favours wizards like him. But it takes time.”

“How is it that other people have been expelled from this school for way less but you let this guy threaten your own staff you promised to protect?!”

Dumbledore exhaled loudly. “I’m sorry, Severus. I truly am. But the minister is closely watching me and the school committee. I have to do this their way and their way demands time and paper work and a lot of procedures that don’t lead to immediate outcomes. I’m on it, Severus.”

Severus just looked utterly exhausted and angry at his colleague, friend and boss and slowly stepped aside. He passed by me and told me he’ll wait outside for me before leaving the room.

Dumbledore looked towards me with a caring smile. “I know you must feel utterly frustrated. I’m afraid, I’m not a very good employer at this point. I could understand if you want to find a job elsewhere.” –he sighed before continuing “However, I promise you the same as Severus. It will be solved in the end and your performance is part of all that. If you can convince the school committee it’s worth it then they’ll be against Malfoy, too.”

I nodded weakly but wait.. “So, the school committee will attend the performance?”

“Yes, sorry. I should’ve told you earlier.”

“oh, ok.” – no pressure, I guess. “I don’t think Malfoy will come though so it’ll be fine.”

Dumbledore chuckled “Yes, I think that’s very unlikely. If it’s any consolation… he won’t take a step on these school grounds ever again without being watched closely. The ghosts and portraits will track him and anyone related to him from now on. You will be safe from them.”

When I came out Severus was leaning on the opposite wall of the office entrance with his eyes closed and arms folded together. It looked like he might do some meditation of some kind to calm down. However, the moment he heard me stepping closer to him, he awoke from this state. I hugged him tightly and we went straight to bed without saying much. We’ve been too exhausted to do or talk any more.

We returned to normal within the following weeks. Well, kinda at least. Since that dreadful day Severus preferred staying away until very late at night and often skipped our rehearsals. Despite us basically living together we’ve only seen each other seldomly and he always seemed to be with his head somewhere else. My colleauges just told me he seemed to be in a horrible mood lately even more irritated than usual. Apparently students were visibly more afraid than ever of him. One weekend though we worked side by side in his office for the first time in ages. I just had to confront him.

“Sev, I know something is wrong. Why won’t you talk to me?”

“Nothing is wrong.”

“We barely see each other despite living together and the entire school seems to be afraid of you. I wouldn’t say that’s nothing.”

He just ignored me and continued looking very closely on the paper in front of him. Oh, I wouldn’t let him go so fast off the hook: “At this point I have to assume you going out of my way on purpose. Should I move back to my quarters? Do you have enough of me? I can just go you know. It’s not a duty of yours to be involved in my activities or my life.”

I could see him grasping the feather in his hand unnecessarily tight with closed eyes. Then he stood up. He hesitated going towards me but then just made his way to one of the windows, looking out with his back towards me. He was fiddling with his sleeves and seemed distressed. He finally spoke:

“I..didn’t want to make you feel this way. I just don’t know what to do. I’m so angry and depressed about it all. I visited Malfoy the day after he attacked you and he just laughed in my face and I couldn’t do much but put his stupid son in detention more often. I’m horrible right now. Moody, unfair, incredibly down and irritated. I’m always somewhere else with my head. I know I’m a despicable person at the moment. I don’t want to be around people, no one wants to be around me right now and I just can’t shake it off. I’m angry and depressed and I just don’t know how to solve this. I just thought... if I stay out of your way then maybe you’d stick longer with me.”

“That doesn’t make sense. Why would I stick around longer if you avoid me?”

“Because then maybe I could put up the illusion that I’m a more or less acceptable man that actually can protect the ones dear to him. A man who doesn’t smash the door in the face of everyone trying to be nice. A man who can deal with his emotions properly and is not such an useless fool who destroys anything good in his life.” - his voice cracked at the last sentence and he looked down. It was sad to see the person I admired so much so stressed and conflicted. 

“Sorry but.. that’s bullshit.”

“Indeed.” And he turned towards the door, willing to walk out.

“No, wait! That’s bullshit because you don’t need to keep up any illusion. I thought you trust me. Your feelings are valid and normal! I feel the same.. just let’s talk about our frustration.... or smash some old jars in the basement with Malfoy’s face painted on them or so. Please don’t cut me out. I feel the same and it would help me if I wasn’t alone with this. You are not alone in this. Just talk to me!”

He just stood there motionless, still turned with his back towards me. I stood up and just hugged him from behind saying: “I won’t go away Severus, I thought we had established that. You won’t get rid of me so easily. Just don’t cut me out, please.” After some seconds I could feel his hands on mine.

“Alright” he almost whispered with a shaking voice. I let go of him and he turned around, facing me. I could see tears in his eyes. I kissed him softly before whispering in his ear “Sorry, for bringing so much….drama into your life.”

He laughed “That was a horrible pun.”

“I know, I’m bad at this.”

“And never apologise for being in my life. I’m sorry I made you feel that way. Because meeting you was the best thing that has ever happened to me. Maybe just don't know how to deal with all of this, yet.”

Now, I was almost crying. “Oh Sev. I can say the same.”

He pulled me closer to him and wrapped me up in his arms. Suddenly he chuckled to himself and then said “But smashing jars? How barbaric! Jars are very valuable.”

I shrugged, “We could fix them up again with magic?”

“Yes, but they might suffer.”

I scoffed: “THE JARS? The very-not-alive jars?”

“Every jar is like a baby for a potion master.”

“Even simple jars with jelly?”

“Especially jelly.” - he said not entirely serious.

I pouted sarcastically: “Ok, fine. But I demand to smash things that look like Malfoy in any kind of way.”

He kissed me again: "That can be arranged."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should've cut the jar thing LOL
> 
> Also there will be a Christmas chapter very soon and it will be horribly cheesy. You've been warned..


	18. To dash it like a Christmas comedy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas is just around the corner and with it happy get-togethers, drunken snow-ball fights and presents! Let the happy festivites begin!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Halloween everyone!!! Here’s a Christmas chapter…
> 
> I have to say I regret skipping Halloween in this narration. However, I’m planning two sequels for this fic and one of them will be a Halloween special to make it up.
> 
> This is my attempt of bringing some happy Christmas thoughts into 2020 when I’m scared that I will spend Christmas alone  
> despite isolating and distancing as much as possible during the last months. All because people won't wear a mask..
> 
> In short: Stay safe, wear a mask! Take care <3
> 
> Song lyrics from “Christmas Tree Farm” by Taylor Swift
> 
> Comments and kudos always appreciated. Thank you so much for reading!

The Christmas holidays arrived faster than expected but I welcomed the break dearly. I was informed that Dumbledore was scheduled to appear in the next meeting of the school council and he would talk to several members in private. However, we could assume that all of this would happen after the holidays. So for now, there’s nothing more we could do in that matter.

At the last school day most students left in the morning with the Hogwarts train to spend their holidays with their families. Most of the staff, among them me, Minerva, Remus, Flitwick and Pomfrey, had a small celebration in the afternoon at the teacher’s office. Everything was decorated with Christmas trees and flying candles, with mistletoes and red shiny bows. It was beautiful. Minerva had organised some butter beer and mulled wine from Hogsmeade and the entire staff seemed to be relaxed and happy.

Remus told me he’ll spent Christmas with Tonks and Sirius at Grimmauld Place. He was excited but also nervous about his choice of Christmas presents. I had to assure him several times that yes – Tonks would love his present for sure. As the evening came along everyone became slightly more drunk and cheerful. I realised that I really enjoyed working together with this bunch of chaotic wizards and witches.

When I told Remus that I wouldn’t visit my family over the holidays, he immediately offered to come with him saying: “Oh, I know Christmas at Hogwarts is fine but if you want you can also come to us? We’d love to have you! Though, I can imagine you also want to spend Christmas with your broody lover at the castle who, as usual, honours us with his absence at the moment..”

I chuckled: “Well, yeah he might be one of the reasons. But I really appreciate the invite. Maybe I’ll come by some days after for New Year’s or so.”

He grinned and put his hand on my shoulder: “You’re always welcome. We keep some wine for you.” He winked. Minerva had overheard our conversation and came over with a worrisome look while asking: “Oh, I thought you’d maybe stay with family. All the younger staff usually does.”

I sighed: “It’s complicated… I haven’t spent Christmas with anyone in my family in ages and this year…. It’s a long story.”

She nodded knowing when to drop a topic: “Then we nevertheless welcome you here wholeheartedly. It isn’t as boring as you might think. Our Christmas dinner can be very entertaining. You certainly won’t feel lonely, dear. Oh, and of course you still have Severus. Albus forces him to come to Christmas dinner every year and he always pretends like it’s the most unpleasant thing in the world. But I know he really enjoys my Christmas cookies at least…. Maybe he’ll drop the act this year.”

After an evening full of wine and anecdotes, I returned to Severus quarters not entirely sober. On the way downstairs do the dungeon I looked at the perfect blanket of snow that has enwrapped the Hogwarts grounds. Then an idea came to me. When I entered his office, he was sitting at his desk grading papers. I know his workload is much higher than mine but he also needs a break from time to time.

I sat clumsily on his desk and surely had landed on a couple of papers before yelling: “HEEEEY, it’s Christmas!”

“It’s the 21st that isn’t Christmas.” Severus said without looking up.

“Yes, but soon right? And I know you have a lot of grading papers to do but also not as many students to supervise at the moment… soooooooo wanna do something fun?”

He looked up and pierced me with a mean glare, but he couldn’t hide his curiosity despite the effort of looking blatantly uninterested. He put his quill away, leaned back, folded his hands on his lap and said dismissingly: “And what would ‘something fun’ entail?”

“A snowball fight!!” And I threw a snowball in his face I had hid behind me and kept cold with a freezing charm. I think the alcohol got to me. Regret overcame me instantly. He’ll hate me. Break up immediately, throw me out of his quarters.. or no probably poison me and use my body as potion ingredients. Oh, it was a sweet life as long it lasted, wasn’t it? I mean I tried… somehow?

Instead of all this, he stood up, dried his face on his cloak, reached for his heavy winter coat on the hanger, threw me one of his scarfs in my face and simply said: “Well, if you want to win you need a lot more ammo.” I ran outside laughing to prepare myself.

I’ve never expected to see Professor Severus Snape on Hogwarts running around in his heavy coat throwing snowballs in my face with way too much precision and a strategy. Who has a strategy in a snowball fight? We might have been a bit too loud for that time of the day, so after a while I could see some prefects standing behind looking at us puzzled and not knowing how to deal with two teachers making such a racket at night. However, they were soon joined by Minerva who, looking a bit disgruntled at first but after realising what was going on armed herself for the infamous Hogwarts snowball fight of 19xx. After Remus heard of the news, he came, too. I and Severus then joined our forces in one team, Minerva and Remus formed the other and we built fords and tried to overcome the other with more and more magically refrained shots and strategies. There was no clear winner, so we just called it a draw and returned with flushed cheeks and a wholesome tiredness to our quarters.

Me and Severus were cuddled together on his couch in front of the fire, each holding a warm cup of tea in our hands. We enjoyed the blissful silence for a while but then Severus asked: “Are you actually going home for Christmas?”

I realised we’ve never talked about it until now and shook my head: “No…. I was thinking about staying here. You’re right, I never asked you before if that’s fine with you. I can also return to my quarters if that’s too..”

He interrupted me sharply: “You’ve just convinced me of running around in the cold snow for a snow ball fight for hours and I’m sitting here with my arm around you. So… no, I don’t want to get rid of you now. May I ask why though?”

I exhaled sharply: “Well.. I haven’t been home for Christmas for some years now. To be honest, yes, I originally thought I’d go this year.. at least to my sisters’ house. But she just got a baby and my dad really wants to see her.”

“And that’s a problem?”

“Yes….we better don’t see each other. He hates me and I simply stay out of his way. I don’t want to break up the family just because I insisted on coming when I could just stay here.”

He looked at me in silence for a while watching me emphatically. “Family can be.. complicated. But I assure you, Christmas dinners at Hogwarts can be just as awkward as family dinners.”

“I sure hope so.” I chuckled. “And the prospect of spending Christmas with you is also not that bad, you know?” I snuggled up closer to him.

“Oh, really? Well, I’m not much of a Christmas fan. Usually, I just spent the holidays working but for you I might make an exception.”

“Does that mean I can put up a Christmas tree here tomorrow?”

“Sure.” he replied and leaned down to kiss me softly.

Christmas eve was indeed something. Hogwarts looked fantastic. Everything was packed with decoration and lights and I couldn’t take my eyes from the beauty of it. I’ve never seen a more beautiful and festive place than Hogwarts today. The few students who had stayed were sitting around campus reading or playing games like wizard chess. I talked to some of my class and we could all agree: Christmas is truly magical here and no one was too upset about staying behind for whatever reason.

It was a small group at dinner. Me, Albus, Minerva, Sybille, Hagrid, Severus, Filch and a handful of very shy students and some prefects who sat with us at the long table. I sat between Severus and Minerva. The food was absolutely delicious and the table full of happy chatter and satisfied faces. Severus looked a bit tired but unusually content. He held my hand under the table and ever so often looked at me with a small but honest smile. Some presents were exchanged for Christmas morning. Among them was one from Minerva which was wrapped in sparkling blue and green paper as well as a package from Albus that suspiciously looked and felt like a big package of lemon drops. After everyone had eaten and became tired we all returned to our quarters.

When we reached Severus’ living room, he let out a deep breath he was apparently holding and exclaimed: “Finally this is over.”

I teased: “Oh, come on. It wasn’t that bad and I might even argue that you looked happy from time to time.”

Severus took off his jacket, put it on the hanger and let himself fall on his couch before saying: “I admit it was more pleasant than usual thanks to you but… I’m just not made for social situations of any kind. I rather stay on my own.. or with selected few.”

I bowed ironically and said: “Oh, I feel very honoured to be among those.” And laughed while putting our presents under the small but much decorated tree we had put up together next to the couch. They sat next to the two presents we put there before and I have to admit, I was quite nervous if Severus would like my choice.

I wanted to sit on the couch next to him but instead Severus grabbed me with a swift move on the hips and pulled me on his lap. I turned towards him and looked into these black beautiful eyes that mesmerised me every time. He put his hand on my cheek and let his fingers run over my skin. I got goosebumps from the intimate gesture; the touch of his warm hand made me melt into it. I put my hand on his chest, touching his heart, leaning closer until I was just short to his face. I felt his breath on my lips, our mouths slightly opened expectantly. He moved his hand on the back of my head, his other hand on mine, intertwining fingers. I whispered his name, moaning it almost before he closed the distance and we kissed. What began slow and soft turned more passionate, bodies crashing together when I put my knees on each side of him, straddling, pushing myself onto him. He still made me feel dizzy after all this time, losing any rational thought just him, him, him under me, glowing heat, exploring hands, loving grunts and moans and nothing but us in this moment.

I couldn’t imagine a better Christmas eve than this.

The next day I was surprised to see Severus still sleeping in his emerald green Pyjamas next to me. I was usually the one waking up late. I took this opportunity to silently stand up and prepare some coffee and a small breakfast in the kitchen. However, just moments later, I felt a familiar hand wrapping around my waist from behind, pulling me close. He kissed me on my neck before whispering to me a tired “Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas!” I yelled much too loud before turning around to hug him. “I made coffee! Well, one cup so far the other is still in the making. But you can have that one?”

He took the cup from my hand and watched me being a busy bee in the kitchen. After a while he asked: “Shouldn’t we like.. opening presents now or something? To be honest, I haven’t done this in quite a while.” He said before taking a sip of his usual black coffee, looking away slightly insecure. I nodded and led him to the living room. I put on my Christmas song playlist on the enchanted radio and sat on the floor to get the presents.

Severus watched me in confusion before saying: “I have a couch as you might know?”

“Yes, but… I don’t know it isn’t Christmas if I’m not sitting on the floor like a child opening them there.” He rolled his eyes sarcastically and joined me on the dark green carpet next to our tree. He groaned “I’m too old for this.”

“Shut up, you’re just 3 years older than me.”

He grunted: “I feel like 60 though. This job ages you.”

“Well, at least we’re aging faster together now” I winked. We now sat opposite each other, cross-legged holding our Christmas presents. They were small presents but wrapped with love, though that means in my case it looks a bit rubbish because despite my utmost attempts I can’t wrap presents properly not even with magic.. While we stared a bit awkwardly at each other, a new song started in the radio behind us.

_My winter nights are taken up by static_ _  
Stress, and holiday shopping traffic  
But I close my eyes, and I'm somewhere else  
Just like magic._

Suddenly, Severus eyes gazed downwards while he held his present. He was fidgeting and seemed nervous. He sighed and said quietly: “I can’t believe that… I’m doing this.. I mean, usually by this time, I’d be out walking around Hogwarts catching unruly students…”

“But this is better, I hope?”

“YES” – he swiftly said. “I just…I’m not good at putting it into words… I didn’t think I deserved stuff like this. I just want to say: thank you”. His face was soft, kind without the usual stiffness and hidden sorrow. I I put my hand on his smiling. “Thank you, too. Now come one, open your present!”

_Sweet dreams of holly and ribbon  
Mistakes are forgiven  
And everything is icy and blue  
And you would be there, too._

I got Severus an antique (not very valuable but pretty) collection of Shakespeare’s works. When he had opened it I said: “It’s nothing special I know… but you didn’t have copies of your own and I love giving books. I also put something else in there..” Inside was a moving photo of the entire drama group, including Severus who stood at the side. On the back every student had signed and written small messages thanking him for his help and support. Severus let his fingers wander over the photo before pulling me into a hug and thanking me with a cracking voice. After a while, he let go and just gestured me to open mine.

It was a small present wrapped very nicely in sparkling dark blue paper. It was a box and when I opened it a very old and rusty key was inside together with a small piece of paper with writing. I must have looked very puzzled as Severus said: “It’s a copy of the key to my potion archives together with the password. I want you to get whatever you need without having to ask me all the time. Just destroy the paper after you remembered it.”

I was shocked: “I.. you let no one in there?!”

“But you” he said softly. “I trust you and.. I’m sorry it’s not a very romantic gift but as you often had to find me somewhere in the castle when a potion ran out during a rehearsal.. it might help you.”

_Under the mistletoe_ _  
Watching the fire glow  
And telling me, "I love you"_

I stared at him. Now it was my turn to pull him closer to me. This gesture meant more than anything. This man trusted no one and certainly not with something as important as his potions. I could betray him, sell the entirety of the valuable contents of his archives or do whatever but.. this..

_And when I'm feeling alone_ _  
You remind me of home […]  
And when the world isn't fair  
I'll pretend that we're there  
Baby, baby, Merry Christmas  
To you_

With tears in my eyes I muttered: “What are you saying? This is the most romantic gift I’ve ever received…”


	19. But never doubt I love.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mere days before your performance, half of the cast mysteriously lands in the infirmary. Severus accepts a dangerous invitation. You confess what has long been hidden.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took a while but here is another chapter! I'm working on finishing the following one before the year ends so thank you for your patience! We're close to the grand finale! Though as I mentioned, there will be a sequel or two.
> 
> I wish I could've make this chapter more emotional and dramatic somehow. I had trouble putting the key scenes into context. I hope it's still ok.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! Comments and kudos always appreciated. Stay safe, folks!

The holidays went by way too fast and the end of the school year was upon us. Our performance was three days away. I actually felt confident and looked forward to it. But then when I entered our classroom my heart dropped as I only saw half of my cast sitting in front of me.

“Ms [y/n], the others are sick at the infirmary.”

I ran over with a bad feeling in my chest. Poppy confirmed what the others had said. “They have been hexed and lost their voices. They also have to deal with rather nasty headaches and stomach aches. It’s nothing life-threatening and they will make a full recovery but I’m afraid… it will take some days.”

After questioning every student affected with a heavy heart, I found out that they all had received a rather mysterious postcard wishing them good luck. Remus and I collected them from the different quarters for inspection. Remus confirmed what we feared; they carried a curse with them that now laid on my students. Thankfully, nothing too bad but I felt horrible. After hearing what happened, Severus joined us in the small DADA classroom. However, he was the bearer of more bad news and threw a piece of paper on the desk in front of us.

“I also received a letter. Not hexed though, I checked before I touched it as I didn’t recognise the owl nor the unusual paper. It was signey by Lucius though. He asked me to meet him tonight in his manor. To talk.” Remus picked the paper up reading aloud “My dearest friend Severus.. as presumptuous as ever, I see.”

I shook my head before sitting down on one of the tables: “Ok if this isn’t very obviously a trap, I don’t know what is.”

Remus agreed: “I also don’t think you should go. Especially after we now know that he probably was behind all this.”

“There is no proof though I agree.” – Severus said. “And I know only too well this invitation hasn’t been given out in comradeship. I’m not stupid and Lucius knows that, too. But…I think I’m going.”

“WHAT?!” I yelled. “No, this is the worst idea! What are you thinking?”

“We can’t confirm it was him, but I can get him to do so. Or at least collect evidence for it. We then could finally go against him officially having proof, definite proof to show his manipulation and meddling. Proof that can't be shaken off by anyone. He hexed students. This is a public matter now. You can't simply ignore the damage now. I’m sure I’ll find a way.”

Remus interjected and stepped closer to Severus “I believe you are a much more powerful wizard than he is, Severus. Yet, I don’t think it’s wise to go into the lion’s den that way. At least let me come with you.”

“No, he won’t let you in. Besides, he has to believe he has the upper hand that’s why I need to go alone.”

Remus sat down folding his arms: “He will believe that either way, Severus.”

Severus chuckled. “Yes, you’re right. But I want him to drown in this feeling. I know him well. I’m certain I can get him where I want him to be. I had enough time for my research thanks to our useless headmaster.”

I sighed: “Yet, I still don’t want you to go. It's dangerous and reckless, Severus. It’s his manor who knows what torture dungeons he has built in there.”

Remus laughed a little: “Knowing him and his family it’s probably as big the ministry of magic. Yet, this is not a laughing matter, I know... Severus, are you sure?”

“Yes, no discussions. I have to prepare myself. You two see that the students are well cared for and the play goes on as planned.” And he stepped towards the door. I had a very bad feeling about this. Something in me says this won't end well. I started to panic. No, no, no, no….I stood up and took his hand in a desperate attempt to stop him walking outside.

“Wait! Severus please, I don’t think that’s a good idea. I want him behind bars, too. My heart broke when I saw my students like this but… there must be another way.”

Severus turned around, let go of my hand and just looked at me with an emotionless expression: “Maybe but it’s not worth it when the solution is right there. I want to do it and you won’t stop me. I can do the job and I don’t care if anything happens to me when we can finish this now.” And with that he turned around walking briskly to the door. When he reached the doorframe, I yelled his name and he stopped, not turning around.

“Yes, Severus but I care! I couldn’t live with myself if something happened to you. You don’t have to sacrifice yourself for me or the play or the kids or anyone. I have a bad feeling about this. I'm worried sick about the students already and I don't want you to be the next victim. I love you and I want you to be safe!” – Silence. Severus didn’t turn around. And then I realised the weight of what I just said. This was the first time I told him that I loved him. And it was probably in the worst way possible. He didn’t say anything, but he looked downwards, his hand was clenched into a fist, he was leaning on the doorframe for some moments. And then he was gone without a word.

I felt arms wrapped around my shoulder. Remus held me tight. He always had such a calming effect on everyone even without saying anything. I wished I could be like that. After a while he said: “For all that it’s worth. I think you were right. But I also think he has a point. If someone can do it it’s Severus for sure. He’ll be fine.” I nodded weakly while trying to keep my sobbing quiet. Then he added: “He’s stubborn. Always has been.”

“I know.” I said wiping my face with my cloak. Remus cleared his throat before asking hesistantly: “Have you..told him you love him before?”

I shook my head: “No… I also didn’t want it to be like that.”

“I reckoned.” He sighed. “I’m sure he thinks that way, too. He’s just..“ Remus stocked but then turned towards me, holding my hand: “Come to my place. Tonks and Sirius are here, and we have a nice calming cup of tea and then we think it all through, ok? Let’s rest and see what we can do, alright?”

At his quarters, Remus put me on the couch squeezed between his girlfriend and best friend before hurrying into the kitchen. After telling them both what happened, Tonks just petted my back while Sirius held my hand saying: “Darling, I have to admit.. I’m actually on Snivellus side this time.” – Tonks shot him an angry glare but he continued “No, hear me out. Lucius is an asshole, he attacked the school, destroyed school property, attacked you, harmed students… it was about time someone actually did something against him.”

Remus sat on the chair next to us putting the tea on the table and replied nonchalantly: “Wow, Mr Sirius Black actually agrees on something Severus does. I think the apocalypse is upon us. But for real.. I understand him. It was frustrating enough to see all this happening and realise nothing changes.”

Tonks retorted: “Still he didn’t have to like.. run blindly towards Malfoy like a school boy seeking revenge for his stolen lunch box.” 

“Why not?!” retorted Sirius. “In the end, Dumbledore was and is useless sometimes. Don’t get me started on the lack of security measures and ignorance of bullying at this highly reputed school. I mean, we broke in basically everywhere back in the days.”

Remus smiled weakly: “With an enchanted map though. And it’s true. I generally think Hogwarts is a safe place though. But… well it’s difficult protecting wizards. They all have so many tricks up their sleeves, you know. Besides I'm sure Severus has a plan and thought this through”

“Oh and one thing more..” Sirius turned to me, squeezing up my hand, looking me intensly in the eyes before saying dramatically: “I’m sure he loves you, too or he can deal with me afterwards. I only made peace on the condition that you are well taken care of, honey.” Tonks hit his arm, shaking her head before he continued exaggeratedly flirty: “And if he doesn’t make up for this, I invite you to a date and show you what a real gentleman is!” Suddenly we all laughed. I pushed my elbow in his side and actually felt better, forgetting my worries for the moment. I do love these three dearly. But still… I hope that everything is going to be ok.

I couldn’t sleep but waited on Severus all night. Tonks actually followed me to his quarters and refused to go until we heard back. She was worried but also fell asleep at some point on the couch. I still appreciated her presence immensely. Around 5am in the morning an owl arrived at the window with a short message:

“Dear [y/n], I’m fine and got what I need. Will talk to Dumbledore next. No need to worry. We’ll see each other at the next rehearsal. Yours, Severus.”

It was hard concentrating on anything else but there was much to do. As our performance was tomorrow, I had to come up with a new cast, squeeze in some hours of additional rehearsal before the dress rehearsal and hope for the best.

“Ok, folks the show must go on and we can do this. I have handed out the new cast but there were some blanks in to fill as we’re not only missing casted students but also some of the very few understudies we had. Can anyone play Laertes? I know you've been rehearsing in pairs.”

“I can” a shy Hufflepuff student who was responsible for the lights replied. “We always went through it together so I think with a bit of practice I can pull it off. I think..” I assured her she can and would get all the help she needs. And this was the way we went through all missing positions. Most of them were minor ones and thus easy to replace. But we had two major roles left: Ophelia and Hamlet. None of the students from other roles or background tasks felt confident enough to do it with just a couple of hours rehearsal and I couldn’t blame them. The lines could have been taken care of but all the movement and attention. That was the role of the understudy but sadly they lied in the infirmary, too…Guess, there was only one way to solve this.

“I play Ophelia. It's not the first time so it'll be fine. But we're still missing the most important position.. Hamlet. What do we do…” Suddenly I saw the door opening and Severus walking inside looking like his usual composed self. After nodding silently to me and the class he took his usual seat. And I got an idea. After our little.. disagreement the day before it was a bit awkward to propose but I didn’t have another choice.

“Professor Snape will play Hamlet.” I announced. A collective gasp from the class. A very puzzled look from the potion master. “This is the only role I couldn’t recast so far. And you know the lines and scenes, you’ve played him before. And it’s a damn good advertising for all the Slytherin members of the parents counsel, isn’t it? Oh, and I’m Ophelia so no worries about that!” I pleaded to hide my desperation. The class slowly started talking and grinning. Severus still looked like he would cut my head off in a second but the class turned to him “Oh yes!”, “Please Professor Snape! You’d be perfect!” and so on. Severus rolled his eyes sighing before saying “Alright.”

When the students were busy going through the play again, Severus stepped towards me, whispering: “Lucius will have some visitors from the ministry today. And I doubt he’ll continue to be a member of the school council.”

I was flabbergasted: “How did you do that?”

“That’s irrelevant. All that counts is that he gets what he deserves.” I wanted to insist on an explanation. It couldn't have been that easy? But thinking about yesterday and seeing my students trying their best to make this play a success.. I let it go. For now. I replied: “Thank you, Severus. I...”

But he interrupted me sharply: “And I’m sorry about yesterday. I shouldn’t have dismissed you like that. You had your reasons to be worried and they were legitimate. I acted like a child.”

I nodded and took his hand. “It’s fine. Really. Just don’t make me worry like that ever again.” He promised. But I had a feeling that wasn't all. He looked directly at me, hesitating with something clearly. But when he opened his mouth to talk a student came up to us with a question. He sighed disappointed and we turned our attention back to our class. I wondered about what he wanted to say. However, for the rest of the day and morning we'd been caught up in rehearsing, putting up the stage and practicing our roles. I prayed for a good ending.


	20. That which we call a Rose by any Other Name Would Smell as Sweet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's here. The day you've been working for almost a year now. It's the day of your performance and despite your nervousness, everything finally falls into place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is it. The end after 20 chapters. It feels weird to end this little story. Feels weird to just leave them and the world they lived in. I hope you enjoyed it. That was something that maybe distracted you from this cruel world right now. If this story has achieved this.. even if it's just for one person than that's more than I ever dreamed of. I still think some chapters could have been longer, not as rushed as they might be but it's fine for now.
> 
> Thank you for reading, your kudos and comments! Many times they really made my day. Criticism, opinions, everything is very welcome. I'd love to hear what you thought of the overall story.
> 
> Stay safe, my friends. More about the future in the chapter notes at the end.

The day has arrived. We were mere hours away from our performance. The stage has been set up; costumes refined until perfection. I heard my students practicing lines last minute behind the curtain while I wandered around in the great hall that had been transformed into a theatre. Soon the entire school and counsel would enter, take a seat, read the programme and then we’ll see. Usually, I wouldn’t be so nervous for a school performance, having seen countless ones where quality didn’t matter. In the end, it's supposed to be a learning experience and make fun in the process. Yet, the presence of the school council who will decide over my future at Hogwarts… made it feel like a Broadway show premiere.

Looking absentmindedly towards the entrance door, I didn’t hear Severus walking up towards me. Apart from the fact of course that he was still the master of sneaking up to students doing mischief with the result of giving them the fright of a lifetime. At first, I felt a hand on my right shoulder which wandered to the left until it had wrapped around me. I heard a deep sigh and then his deep baritone voice saying, “It’s going to be ok.”

Doors opened. I peeked through the curtains after putting on my costume. A long old-fashioned dress made of white silk. The hall was certainly full to the brink, and I could see some unfamiliar faces in the front rows, which probably was the parent’s council. I called my class to stand in a circle wishing us luck, reminding us of our hard work while holding hands. Severus was clearly a bit uncomfortable with it but even he got used to a bit more body contact after we spend the last hours rehearsing so rigorously. I’ve seen his costume at the dress rehearsal of course but… the sight of the man who usually is dressed in long thick black robes outside of his own quarters is still a sight to behold. He still wears black, after all Hamlet is in mourning, but now wore a black shirt with wide sleeves pulled together at the wrist over which a heavily embroidered leather vest tightly hung. His hair was bound in a ponytail with a black velvet bow. It was much more fitting than the robes he usually hid in. You could see that he was, after all, a men in his prime with a marvellous figure and perfect posture. All of this made him appear way more approachable thant he dungeon bat. But in the end, that’s kind of the point of the costume, I guess.

Meanwhile the play had started, and it was freezing in the room. We chose magic to truly make the audience shiver a bit to bring the scene to life. I heard the watchmen talking and now, whatever happens, would happen. I had to concentrate fully on the moment, avoiding thoughts straying aside. Yet, before Hamlet went on stage for the first time, Severus stood a moment in front of the entrance to the stage and simply looked in concentration up to the ceiling with his eyes closed, his hands in fists behind his back. I watched him in awe. What a wonderful prince he would’ve made in this world. Such a fine, intelligent, and thoughtful man. He truly was a fitting Hamlet. And he truly had been changed after this school year. He was still brooding, stern and frightening to many. Yet, I think he opened his heart at least to me and my students. They looked different upon him and I think he does enjoy that despite his protestations. Then he stepped outside with the king and his entourage. I could hear the whispers from the stage. Sure, we announced he would play the main role but it’s an unusual place to see the strict potion master in and I hope it had the right effect. Let them be in awe and wonder. After a while I heard his voice saying, “A little more than kin, and less than kind…”.

Standing ovations, roaring applause. When we took our bows the students gleamed with pride and I doubt there was one soul in this hall who wasn’t impressed with our performance. All houses clapped and the school council looked at us with smiles and excitement. I couldn’t have wished for a better reaction. Despite me walking trying to stay in the back to give the students what they deserved, Severus took my hand to led me to the front while everyone on and off the stage clapped and cheered. I was happy and relieved at least for that moment.

Afterwards the students greeted their peers and parents. I changed my clothes before walking up to Dumbledore, who was in deep conversation with a tall lady with auburn hair. Upon seeing me she introduced herself as Cecilia Streep, the leading representative of the school council. “I have to say after Lucius devastating judgement of your teaching, I was worried what we put our students into. However, after that performance I think I can speak for all of us that we think you should continue this in the upcoming years. My, the story was so sophisticated and the students incredible convincing. I think everyone of us gets home with a lot to think about. Thank you so much for this!”

I nodded and thanked her cheerfully. Dumbledore invited me to the teacher’s office for a small party afterwards and we made our way there after talking to approximately everyone in the hall.

When I arrived Remus and Minerva hugged me, gushing about the play, being so proud that these “stubborn wizards finally recognise art”. After every colleague did basically the same, I joined Severus in the back of the room. He had changed his clothes and was just sipping on some champagne at the fireplace. I was glad to be at his side again. I said: “I know it’s basically our party but still… parties always make me feel like retreating into the back and wanting to leave.” Severus chuckled “I know the feeling. I’m very proud of you, too though. You really did it.”

“So do you. Your performance was smashing. I think I have to cast you every semester.”

“Oh, please stop it. You can give me some minor roles if you want but that was certainly enough attention for me. I can’t even remember how many hands I shook within the last hour.”

I teased: “I’m sure you still liked it a bit. You deserve it!”

“Maybe…” after that he did something rather unexpected. He wasn’t the type for drinking fast but he chugged his champagne at once, put the glass away and then turned towards me offering me his hand. “May I… lead you away from our party for a bit to take a walk outside?”

“Oh, you certainly can, my prince” I replied. I clung to his arm and he led me out of the room. After putting on our coats we walked towards Hogwarts grounds.

“Where are we going?” I asked after trotting in the snow for a while.

“You’ll see. Trust me.”, he just said mysteriously. We walked a bit into the dark forest and then arrived at a crystal clear lake, glistening in the moonlight, reflecting the stars. We stood at the fringes of it, simply staring at the beauty of nature for some moments while holding hands.

“You know” I then said looking up at the full moon. “As a child I said 'Good Morning' every day on my way to school. I lived quite far away and always walked in the early mornings when it was still dark. The moon was like a friend to me.”

“That’s cute…. I’m sure if the moon would be a living being it appreciated that.”

“I hope so.”

After some moments of peaceful silence Severus finally said: “Could you close your eyes for a moment?”

I was a bit taken aback from this but then agreed saying: “Ok.. but if I land in that lake I swear to God I’m dragging you with me.”

He laughed: “I can live with that.”

I closed my eyes and just felt the cold wind on my cheeks and the snow under my shoes. Then I heard how he stepped behind me, carefully put up my hair and placed a necklace around me, closing it behind my neck. When he gave me the permission to open up my eyes again, he wrapped his arm around my waist, standing beside me. I looked at the pendant hanging from a rose-gold necklace. A tiny rose entwined in something like resin. However, inside it there was a tiny mini snowfall pouring on the rose, sparkling around the flower. Enchanted necklaces really were something. It looked like an artifact straight out of a fairy tale.

“That’s beautiful, Severus.” I beamed. “Thank you! A red rose… you know how that usually means..”

“I love you.” – he interrupted suddenly with a fluttering voice. I felt his hands shaking slightly on my hips. I looked at him with wide eyes, my body frozen in suprise. Before I could say anything he repeated it softly, looking at me.

“I love you [y/n] and I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you earlier. I’ve always loved you all this time from the first moment I’ve seen you, held you.. I just could never put it into words directly. I was scared. Scared that if I ever formulate these words, something bad would happen. You’d be snatched out of my hands or ran away or rejected me or I’d break everything… I’m sorry. But I know that even if that happens.. I don’t care. I need you to know. You deserve to hear it, too. Because when you told me on that day… my heart stopped because I never thought I would hear it from such a wonderful person like you. But I was agitated, had my minds full of other things wanting to fulfill my mission. I just couldn’t…”

But I interrupted him by bringing my hands up to cup his face to kiss him. After the initial shock I could feel him smiling, pulling me closer, sneaking his hands into my coat, under my top, gentle holding me there making me moan into the passionate kiss. We broke it, gasping for air, smiling. I whispered with our foreheads touching: “I love you, too Severus. And I’ll tell you that over and over and over again forever and ever. Because I've never loved someone as much as I love you.” This time he pulled me into the kiss to distract from his teary eyes. His lips spoke for his mended heart and nothing could ever break us apart again. In the end, I found a home in his arms and for once all was well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promised some sequels and they will come in the near future as separate parts in the series! In the end, we still have a one last step to take before these two will be bonded for a lifetime...
> 
> And obviously I won't leave the Harry Potter fandom. There will be some more fics within that universe. I'll also continue some other fics I've started, so if you want to have a look at the rest of my work feel free to do so.
> 
> Thank you so much again from the bottom of my heart. I mean, yes, it's just a tiny fic on the internet but really this site gave me a lot of comfort during this hellish year.


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